A little bit of me

Tough morning

2010-09-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

This morning on our walk Tally and I had an encounter with a couple and their THREE Pitbulls. I've seen this couple before and I do not like them at all. They are, if you will excuse the phrase, white trash.

At first they only had one Pitbull, and then a second, and now today a third. I had this feeling when we were talking toward them on the sidewalk that I should cross to the other side of the street. But I didn't want to be mean. Oh how I wish I would have listened to that feeling.

As we were walking toward them Tally pulled in behind me, as though she was trying to hide behind me. The two full grown pits (the new one is a puppy) were being walked by the female of the couple and she could not hold them back. They lunged at Tally and she was bit a few times. It all happened so fast. I was really shaken up and tried to calm down enough to get their contact information. This is why I ALWAYS walk with my cell phone in my pocket. I took her name and phone number. They apologized a few times and said the classic line "He's never done that before" and I just said "Fine" and walked straight back home.

Once in the door I started crying. Tally was shaking and nervous. I checked her out as best I could and called our Vet. They fit us in an hour and a half later. Before leaving for the vet I tried calling the owner of the other dog and told her that I wanted the dogs name, her last name, and their Vet's information to verify that the dog was current on its shots. She said that they don't have a vet and that she has the paperwork showing a valid 4 year rabies vaccination. Then she went started yelling at me and saying that her dog got bit too and was bleeding and calling me a "fucking bitch" and saying that she wanted proof of my dogs vaccinations too and then hung up on me.

I hate some dog owners. I feel so badly for breeds like Pitbulls and Rottweilers because they get such a bad chance at getting a genuinely good owner. These people are exactly the type of people who should absolutely NOT own even one Pitbull let alone THREE!! I fear that it is all going to end very badly for those three dogs.

Tally appears to be mostly OK. Her Vet and I were able to find a couple of fairly superficial scratches that had bled a bit. She got a shot of antibiotics there and is now on antibiotics for a week and also some anti-inflammatories. Right now she is sleeping soundly and I'm still fuming.

From now on I will trust my inner voice when it's telling me to cross the street.

p.s. The label for this post "Dog Bit" now has an entirely different meaning.

Lacking

2010-09-02T11:47:00.001-07:00

Today I feel as though I am lacking in so many ways. Perhaps it's all hormonal but it is debilitating.

While searching Monster today I saw a listing for "the" real estate company that I would like to work for. It was a link to a test to take that would tell you if you match the "4 Core Capacities" of their top performing agents. Guess who doesn't match, me that's who.

As I read through my results I thought "that's right" and "yeah that's me" to these types of statements:

Understanding and compassion are central to your life strategy.
You strive to cause people and things to function well together.
Seeing potential and opportunity is a primary talent.
Strategic thinking is your forte.
You can always see another way to put things together.
You have wit and creativity in your thinking.
Understanding others and working with them is a key asset of yours.

You always want the results of these tests to feel accurate. You'd rather it ring true with you than to feel a complete mismatch. Then I got to the section where they described the results for their top agents. It's just not me. Their number 1 is my number 3. Their 4th category is my 2nd.

Even before I found this test today I was feeling out of sorts, and yes hormonal, but overall unsettled. What if this is the wrong path? What should I be doing? What do I really want to do? I'm really feeling so lost right now. So unguided and directionless.

When I got back home from my trip to MN and TX I was feeling fantastic but now the high has faded. I'm feeling scared and confused. I can't keep being unemployed, financially, or realistically. I want to be around people again. I want to be productive again. I want to...something again but what?

21, 22 & 23 Books

2010-08-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

Just before leaving on vacation I read "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson. Molly had read it first and passed her borrowed copy on to me. Everyone kept saying how slowly it started out and I can sort of see what they mean but I didn't feel at all disappointed. I plowed through it in no time. When I was done all I wanted to do was read the second one, which I carried around Target with me for about an hour before putting it back on the shelf. Spending $15 on a book is just not in the budget at the moment. So I started the last book sitting on my bedside table, only to not be able to concentrate on it. I think there is a child about to die in it and I'm not sure I can handle that. Even so, I packed that book with me for my trip along with "Pride and Prejudice" which is always a great read.

Then I got to the airport with nearly 2 hours to kill. What do they sell in abundance at the airport? Books. Glorious books. There is was on the shelf taunting me with it's glorious red-orange cover, "The Girl Who Played with Fire". I wanted it SO much! Again my hand reached out and pulled the trade paperback version from the shelf. Again I walked around a store wanting it and trying to justify the expense when low and behold my eyes caught sight of the mass market paperback version. Tentatively I turned it over to check the price.... $8. WAHOO! Now that I could much more easily swallow into my tiny budget.

The flight and the first days of the trip were filled with reading "...Played with Fire" and I liked it just as much as the first one. All too soon it was done and again I wanted. Oh how I wanted the third book "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". Each time I saw it I would give it's silver papered hardcover goodness a caress and sigh a sad little sigh. An $8 paperback is one thing but a $27 hardcover!!! That was out of the question. I had a book I'd borrowed from Liz and it would have to do. But oh how it just didn't cut it.

Then a miracle occurred. My dad and Liz went to the Mall of America to grab some glorious tax free clothing and when they returned I was surprised with my dearest wish "...Hornet's Nest"! They said it was a belated birthday present and I nearly cried. I'm such a dork but I don't care. Last night I stayed up late until I was finished and now I am sad once again. So so sad. But oh so thankful that I got to read the three books in quick succession and all for only $8 out of my pocket! Not too shabby.

Thanks Stieg for writing these books. I'm very sad that I will not get to read another book from you. May you rest in peace.

Let's try it again

2010-08-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

After reading "Pickles & Dimes" comment on my last post I decided to take Tally with me again on my run. She used the word "condition" and it made me realize that I really wanted to run with Tally so I just needed to get us both in the condition to handle it. Perhaps it's that the second time is the charm, but this time went better for us both. Perhaps this time we both knew what to expect so it was easier. I took the runs a bit slower than I might have but that was OK by me. It made the whole experience better to have her beside, well actually a bit behind, me.

Today's run was Number 3 of week 2. It will be the last time I run in WA for a while since I'm heading out to TX and MN tomorrow. Won't be back home until Monday the 23rd. Running in the heat of Texas and the mind melting humidity of MN is going to present a new challenge. I'll be running as early in the morning in TX as possible in order to avoid the 100+ temps they have been having recently. The trip also means that Tally won't be running with me for a while since she will be having her own vacation at my mom's house. Hopefully we will be able to get right back into it when I return.

The other thing that made it easier to run with Tally today is that she got a final clean bill of health from the cancer vet on August 3rd. The first time I ran with her I had this nagging thought that there might be something wrong. That she might be sick and I just didn't know it. I'm sure I'll still always stress a bit that she might have another health set back but for now that thought is a bit less nagging. She's fine. We're both fine. And we just might be getting better every day.

Off to pack for my trip. Oh look and the sun is coming out too. I think today is going to be a really great day.

Getting off the couch

2010-08-01T22:01:00.001-07:00

My brother mentioned a while ago that we should start running. We had been commiserating about how flabby, fat and lazy we've been feeling. Since he mentioned it, I've been thinking about it a lot. Yesterday he texted me saying that we start Tuesday which is his next day off. I quickly agreed.

Since mid-June I've been tracking my weight (using an iPhone app called TargetWeight) trying to get down to a weight that would make me feel better in my clothes and make my shorts fit over my rear. So far I'm down 7 pounds but have hit a wall, weighing in at the same exact weight for the past 4 days!!

I've read about a lot of people doing the Couch to 5K program, so I found an app for my iPhone that would "walk" me through it. Brother couldn't start today because of work but I was itching to get going. First, I needed running shoes (oh and that iPhone app). Off to DSW I went. Tried on several pairs with each one feeling better than the previous. Decided on a pair of Asics GEL-Kahana 4's. They felt great.

Tonight instead of our normal evening walk I took Tally on my first "C25K" workout. It was so great! I loved it. It was definitely hard but I always knew that I just had to make it to the next interval. Since the intervals are so short it never got overwhelming. And with the app watching out for me I didn't have to worry about timing or anything, I just had to run and walk. The app also lets you create a play list to listen to while running, a perfect distraction!

Another distraction and the big bummer was that Tally couldn't keep up during the runs. Since we were running in an enclosed area and I knew she probably wouldn't run off, I let her off leash for the last few intervals so I wasn't dragging her along to the finish. Poor girl, we are both so out of shape. It also took her a pretty long time to recover when we got home. I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I keep pushing her to go along? Should I leave her home? Ugh so stressful. She's got her last post-Cancer check-up on Tuesday which is my next running day so I don't have to worry about it until Thursday. I'd really like it if she could do this with me. Perhaps a call to her regular vet is in order.

Here's hoping that I stick with this. If today is any indication I'm actually going to like it.

And then there were 20

2010-08-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

Finished reading book 20 a few days ago, The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. Very easy, quick read. The author is based in Seattle and so is the book. Really fun to read all of the local references. Oh and did I mention that it is told from the point of view of a dog? Did you know that I really like dogs?

It wasn't great but it was a bit of fun.

Enough with the tears already

2010-07-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

I have been an emotional nut job lately. To the ten thousandth degree this is actually an understatement. I weep at TV shows. But have you seen "Th Choir" on BBC America? Tear fest! Or the slot car episode of "James May's Toy Stories" also on BBC America? Weep weep weep. Then there's Tally needing my nearly constant attention causing me to sob as well.

It doesn't help that I'm stuck in the house most all of the time. See when you go out places you spend money and when there is no money coming in that is a bad bad thing. So at home I stay with an adorable, yet ultra needy dog, at my side. With the computer in front of me or a text book on my lap or napping on the couch or watching TV and weeping.

It's nice to have been depressed and come through on the other side if only now it means that you can see these times for what they are, set backs that you can get through. I know that I won't always feel this way but damn does it make it hard to want to keep on going some days.

I've made good head way in the real estate classes but there is definitely a lot more to do. I won't be done by the end of the month and a lot of that is because my mood has gotten in my way. It's kept me away from the online class or the text book when I really should have been there. It's frustrating and the voice in my head that is telling me I'm doing the wrong thing and that I will most certainly fail is sometimes very difficult to shut up.

It also hasn't helped that my dad has had a big professional set back this month and my empathy level is at a peak where he is concerned. Talking to him the other day made my sad state even lower which is never good. Thankfully Molly came over to borrow something and I got to spill my tears all over the place with another human being rather than on my couch alone with Tally and BBC America.

So today is better, must be or I wouldn't be here writing about it. Took Tally on a long walk this morning and then took myself for a roller blade around Green Lake. Let me tell you that made it abundantly clear to me that I am out of shape in a big way. I could only go around once and it was hardly 3 miles! Oh well I've only been one other time so far this summer so I shall give myself a pass on that. At least I went. I was out there. Big yahoo for that.

So right now I have a dog giving me her sad little eyes wanting to go for our evening walk. I even had to feed her dinner early in order to distract her so that I could sit here and write this entry. This won't always be my reality. I will finish my real estate course and I will pass the exam and I will find a job. It's what I want so that's what will happen. Power of positive thinking hard at work here and I'm working at believing it. And enough with the tears already!

Book 19 of 2010

2010-07-23T16:21:00.001-07:00

Finished another book two nights ago, "Emotionally weird" by Kate Atkinson. I'd read her other book and thought it was OK. This one was OK too. No reason to recommend it but not horrible. High praise, huh? It was only $1 in the clearance area at Half Price Books so that makes it worth it.

Started reading book 20 last night, borrowed from Molly. It will be a quick read. Super large font and the narrator is a dog.

Delay in programming; 18 books and counting

2010-07-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been here. Reading the writing of the other blogs I love. I've been writing posts in my head even but never putting them to "paper". And since right now I should be studying I think I'll get you up to speed instead.

First of all I've definitely been reading. There was "Size 14 isn't fat either" by Meg Cabot which is #2 of 3 in the Heather Wells series. I'd already read #3 previously not realizing I was doing it out of order, YIKES! Hate that. So after reading this one I read the third again, "Big Boned". They are all good easy reads. I hadn't realized until picking up this book how prolific Meg Cabot is. Have I been under a rock? And then there was "Grave Goods" by Ariana Franklin. I really love her style. I pay full price for her books when ever I find them and I'm not generally a fan of historical fiction. Then there was "Sammy's House" by Kristin Gore. I'd read "Sammy's Hill" a while back and when I saw this one I had to have it. Again Sammy was a wonderfully flawed character that I kept rooting for. And only in reading this book did I realize that Kristin is Al & Tipper's daughter.

After that I had run out of book so I started a re-read of "Pride and Prejudice". I don't even know at this point how many times I've read it. Then on my birthday (Sunday 27th I turned 36!!) I realized I had a bag of books that needed to go back to Half Price Books for reselling. So as a present to myself I took them in and walked away with $6.50 for the bag and used it to buy two more books for only $3.00! Love it when my wallet comes out ahead and so does my nightstand.

So does all of that reading count as 4 more books for the year even though one was a re-read? I think so. And since I'm the one doing the counting who's going to argue? I think that brings me to a total of 18 so far for the year.

And in other news I've decided to take the classes for becoming a real estate agent. So far I've only made it through the first four chapters and I'm not making any head way while typing here but oh well. I'll get it done. I promise. My goal is to have the course(s) and the state exam done by the end of July. Hope that's not too lofty a goal since it's 90 credit hours of studying to do. I'm just not back into the study groove yet. I'm out of practice. Yeah, that's it. I'm not a procrastinator I'm just out of practice. HA!

There are other things occurring but I'm not sure if I'm ready to write about them here yet. So I shall let them be written in my head for a bit longer. Posting more than once a month seems like a good idea so I'll see if I can get back into practice doing this too. Hasta luego.

Two forgettable tales

2010-05-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

Thankfully they were each only a dollar. So only two of my hard earned buckaroo's went towards these two books. Finished the first a week or so ago and the second a few days ago.

$1 book the first: "The Perfect Elizabeth" by Libby Schmais. I'm sure she really tried to make the sisters memorable but alas it was not to be.

$1 book the second: "Project Jennifer" by Jill Amy Rosenblatt. Almost gave up on this one several times but I pushed through because, well, honestly what else do I have going on these days.

Now I'm reading two books at the same time which is very unlike me. One is a novel and the other a self help book suggested by my newly hired coach. Yes, I hired someone to help me figure out me. At this very moment I should be working on a questionnaire that is part of the book she assigned but I'm here telling this space about books I hardly remember even though I just finished reading them. I'm an world class procrastinator! Is that something that I should add to my resume? Perhaps not.

Oh Monica you write so well

2010-05-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my massage was cancelled so I decided to see if the nearest library was a place that I might be able to spend some "working" time instead of the nearest Starbucks. Turns out it's rather small so I'm not sure it's quite the right place for me. So to really apply some balm to my twice disappointed soul, I headed for Half Price Books.

I always start with the clearance section because there the books are usually only one little dollar. I picked out 7 books there and then went perusing the regular stacks for a few of my favorite authors. I found 3 that I just had to have. In the end I left 5 of the clearance books behind and only took 5.

The first one I read was by Monica McInerney whom I love to pieces. I started it last night and since it was only a scant 151 pages I finished it today. It's called "Odd One Out".

There is something about the characters that Monica creates. I can always relate to them. Her main character is always someone looking for a life change and they always get it in the best of ways. This one was no exception. I've got to read everything Moncia's written because I do love them so.

Wrinkle re-read; What's my line?

2010-05-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

I read "A Wrinkle in Time" more than a few times as a kid. A few years ago I bought it and the next two in the series and re-read them again. After I finished "The Fool's Journey" I had nothing else left from my last trip to Half Price Books, so I went rummaging through my bookshelves and picked up "A Wrinkle...".

Here's the thing, I don't remember much of it at all. Why is that? Why do I hardly remember a story that I've read at least a handful of times? What's wrong with my reading comprehension skills? Or is it my memory that's not intact?

The other day I started a career self-help book called "The Pathfinder". I bought it back before I decided to leave the job two jobs ago. I thought at the time that I would really try to figure out what it is what I want to do as a career or aka "what I want to be when I grow up". I didn't make it very far through it at the time and fell into another job and then fell into this last one.

The very first chapter of the book asks you to remember what as a kid you dreamed about as a career when you grew up and how you felt during those dreams. Here's the problem with these questions, I have no idea. I can't remember ever wanting to really be anything. I don't remember ever sitting around dreaming about being an astronaut or a fireman or a slayer. (Sorry watching a Buffy rerun and just had to throw that in there.)

The only thing that stands out for me is that I used to spend my spare money buying magazines full of house plans. I'd spend hours critiquing their layouts and imagining ways to improve it. What it would be like for a family to live in those walls? How would I make it better? Is that a job? Cause if it is, sign me up! But I'm thinking not so much. Right?

How am I supposed to start me journey of finding my ideal future career if I can't remember what I dreamt of as a kid? I can't even remember reading a book I've read several times before. I really hope that "The Pathfinder" gives me some other assistance in this process or another starting point because otherwise I might throw it out the nearest window.

Two more for the bookshelf

2010-04-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

The morning before the fortunate incident that led to my being unemployed, I finished a book that I had borrowed from a co-worker, "Sophie's World". Fortuitous timing, huh? The co-worker had suggested it because I had been talking at lunch about "The End of Mr. Y". They are a bit similar. In "Sophie's World", the intersection between real life and the life on the page is blurred. It wasn't as good as "Mr. Y" and mostly focused on the history of philosophy, not really my subject of choice.

The morning of the fortunate incident I started a book called "The Fool's Journey". In the very beginning of the book, the part I read that very morning, the main character realized that she'd been stagnating in her career when she was passed over for promotion to full professor, so she resigned. Strange coincidence that I should read that very thing the very same morning my working life was going to change. The book didn't stay as strong through out but it sure was nice to have that woman in the same place as me at the same time. She found her voice in the end and I really hope that I do too.

And then there was that thing that happened

2010-04-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

Friday was certainly a life changer. I got to work, was called into the President's office, told I was being let go because he didn't think I could do the job, walked to my office to pack it up, turn in my bus pass, building id and company phone and right on out of the office.

The best news of the whole interaction was that I didn't cry! A small victory but definitely a victory. Oh I cried later, whole big piles of tears, several times. Many times. But right there and then I didn't. I held it together and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I really and truly did not see the getting fired thing coming. At all. In the just shy of two years that I worked there I never once had a review or a talking to or a notice of anything being wrong at all. It's not as if I was happy there or even wanted to be there, in fact, working there was starting to effect me physically, emotionally and mentally. But still, I was FIRED! Who would ever want that? Not me for sure. I would have much rather have left on my own terms. But here's the thing, oh well. I don't have to go back there. Never ever again!!!!

So I'm on a Spring Break of sorts. An unforeseen break in the action of the every day. Change of path and decisions ahead for me. Overall I feel lighter and already a whole lot better. And yet, I did just get fired. Blech.

Pincushion

2010-04-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

Today at work I got a bit of a wild hair and decided to try acupuncture. My back/neck/shoulders have been killing me. And as has been well documented here of late, my mood has been in a dank dark basement below hell. Oh and there's always my period which has been acting the part of an evil manipulative beotch. Yeah, I got me a body that's in crisis.

I googled acupuncture and found places near my office and my house. Checking out a few of their websites I chose one near my house and called to get an appointment. She was able to fit me in tonight!

I went, I was bit nervous, but also a little bit excited. The practitioner took me into her office to have the initial consultation. I'd filled out a couple of forms before hand but we hadn't talked at all about why I there to see her.

The first her taking a look at my right wrist. The very first words out of her mouth were that I really needed to have my uterus looked at. Um OK? Kinda creepy. She kept looking and told me that I must have had asthma problems as a child. Um, yeah, did that thing. And then, and then! Oh then she tells me that I have a really hard time eating greasy food. Seriously? How could someone possibly know that from looking at my wrist?

By this point I'm thinking that she's a miracle and I'll do each and every possible anything she says. Then there were needles which I really do hate, and then there was me pre-buying a billion and ten sessions because oh look a pre-buy discount!

I'm now an acupuncture getting person. I'll let you know how it goes.

Attitude crashitude

2010-04-05T14:06:00.001-07:00

My attitude is in the crapper. I hate being at work. I am not happy with my social situation. Rephrase that last one. I am happy when I have social situations to attend but more and more often I have a lot of alone time and I'm just not feeling up to trying to fill it.

I met with my Dr on Friday to discuss my current hormonal situation which has also been craptastic of late. She prescribed a bcp that is supposed to help with both the craptacular periods and my horrible mood. Sounds like a great up side. The down side is my insurance doesn't cover it so it's $70 out of pocket each month. Crap.

Perhaps it was a horrible idea for me to go off of the anti-depressants. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this job. Perhaps I shouldn't have, in a fit of loneliness last night, signed up for an internet dating site when I've been there done that more times then I can even count.

What the in the name of all that's holy is going to make me happy? Why does everything make me want to cry?

Friends whom I love dearly are having babies and I couldn't be more excited for them or more jealous. People ask the dreaded "why aren't you dating anyone" question and a part of me shreds to pieces.

When do you suppose I'll feel like I have a life that's something. A life that makes me want to get out of bed each day and take it on. A life that is enough for everyone to see and there are no more questions of "why aren't you" or "why don't you". I want my life to be enough and more. I do not want to regret my time here.

For now I'd really settle for being able to keep a lid on the tears while at work. Ugh. Makes my face hurt. Makes my entire head hurt. Makes all of this trying to cope crap even harder.

And on that cheery note I shall leave you with this quote from Real Genius just because:
"I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, 'I drank what?'"

Don't focus on what you don't want

2010-03-15T20:35:00.001-07:00

I find myself as searching for a new job thinking about only what I don't want. I don't want to work for another software company, do I? I don't want to work in manufacturing again, do I? I don't want to work with external customers anymore, do I? I don't want to work on the Eastside, do I? I don't want to work for a small company, do I? I don't I don't I don't.

So what is it that I do want? Why am I being so negative about this whole thing? Why can't I focus on what it is I do want instead? Really what is it? Gah!!

Positively shocking that I'm so negative. This job has got me feeling completely useless and luckless. I've lost sight of what I can offer and what I'm good for. What could I offer a company? What kind of company would want me?

But really it's not only about what they want, it's about me too. I get to make this decision as well, right? We get to decide if we like each other. I am a part of that equation. I get to choose where I send my resume and where I want to begin this whole thing. But that's the problem, where do I want to start?

Seven and Eight

2010-03-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I finished book seven of 2010, The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas. I'd read another book by Scarlett during my beach vacation in August and enjoyed it. So I was excited to see what she could come up with this time. She has an interesting thought process and point of view. This one is about a cursed book same name as the title. The main character Ariel finds a copy of the book, perhaps the only in existence, and reads it only to find a seemingly vitally important page has been torn out. After a series of odd events the missing page is found and Ariel's world is plunged into chaos.

The book brought up an interesting view on what is thought and consciousness. Does a persons thought exist as another plane of existence? In this book the answer is a resounding yes. There are people who can experience this plane, people who can alter this plane. Alter the thoughts and actions of others. Those people are able to explain the existence of things, how the world functions. Until those people think about the nature of something and create its definition that thing does not. Anyway I'm not explaining it properly but needless to say I liked this book just as much as I liked her other. I'm about to pass it on to my brother.

Number eight was just the end of last week, What was Lost by Catherine O'Flynn. Another great read even if too short. Is was thinking as I reached the end that I kept wanting more from the story. Over way too quickly. Could have been much more fleshed out. But still I liked it.

I've only one left from my last Half Price Books outing but I'll be putting that off for a little bit until I finish one I borrowed from a co-worker called Sophie's World.

Wanting

2010-03-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

There are so many things that I want. There are so many areas of my life that I want things.

Home- Redo the bathroom tile. Turn the washing machine around so that it is in the bedroom rather than behind the bathroom door. Build a larger bedroom closet. A Queen bed. A headboard. Bedroom rug. A rug for the den. Paint the house. Paint the den. Repaint the bedroom.

Professional - a management team I respect, a company that has a direction, a career path with growth, to know what I want to be when I grow up, work that will fill me, work I want to go to each morning.

Personal - A relationship with someone I can rely on, who can rely on me, who I can count on, who can count on me, who I can do things with, who I can talk things over with, bounce things off of, plan things with, raise children with, share the chores with, take care of, get taken care of by, laugh with, cry with, walk the dog with, plan things with, make dinner with, cuddle with, watch movies with, play games with, yell with, deal with,

How do you find all of the things you want? How can you make your life more than it is? Where do you even begin when there are so many things you want? Does making a list help you get there? What is the priority when you really want it all, all of it now, all of it this minute? Rolling Stones know that you can't always get what you want but I really wish I could. I really wish for all that I want.

Sixer

2010-02-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

Finished Book #6 of 2010 on the bus home tonight.,"Sammy's Hill" by Kristin Gore. The main character Samantha Joyce is mid-20's and working for a Senator in D.C. She's a bit quirky, fairly intense and very lovable. Her internal monolog is delightful and frenzied. She prays to the god of every conceivable cause. She tries desperately to keep her fighting fish alive and when they don't make it she has a lovely funeral with for each one. Oh and she loves talking to telemarketers.

Sammy is a great character. Flawed but perfect. The book ends on a glorious note with just enough wrapped up to feel closed but not trite. Really fun and I'm glad that made it into my shopping bag that day.

I really didn't want to

2010-02-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

Friday night was day three of 30 Day Shred and I was more than happy to participate. Tonight I just did not want to in the least. I spent all of Tally's walk trying to come up with a valid reason why I just couldn't possibly come up with one. I knew that I really needed to suck it up and do night #4.

So after our walk I fed Tally and changed into my workout clothes. Then I started up the DVD and sucked it up. Of course I spent the entire time bitching and moaning and whining in my head, and even occasionally out loud.

Now that I'm done I'm still pissed off about it. What an oddity I am.

And yet another

2010-02-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

Finished book #5 of 2010 on Friday night. This one was a bit of a miss. I just never felt as though it really got going. It's called The Birthdays and was written by Heidi Pitlor. The story of a family gathering for the father's 75 birthday.

Two brothers each married and a youngest single sister, all of the women are pregnant. I wish that I would have connected with the characters more but I didn't.

Still have a pile to pick from by the bed side. Not sure which one I'll start tonight.

Shred - Day 2

2010-02-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

It really is quite amazing how twenty minutes of a workout video can knock you on your rear. Really that woman is crazy and all parts of my body hurt like hell. But the pain tells you it's working, right? The pain certainly makes it feel like it's working. There are muscles screaming out that I had forgotten were a part of my anatomy. Going to keep going. Keep pushing and panting.

Spending and shredding

2010-02-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

Last week I bent down to pet Tally and split one of my two pairs of jeans that are worth wearing. I have two others but I do not like how they fit. So that leaves me with one pair of jeans and nothing else. So horror of horrors I had to go jean shopping. Blech.

Saturday I went to Nordstrom and spent a small fortune on one pair of jeans. Some obviously incredible designer that I've never heard of. I tried on so many pairs that my fingers turned blue. The gal who helped me was really sweet and of course the size of a little twig. At one point said she was jealous of my "curves" and didn't like her boy shaped body. Why do we always want what we don't have?

But the point is that I'm still having buyers remorse about the jeans. I'm not kidding about the small fortune part. I mean it's practically a car payment. Do I really need jeans like that? I think they look pretty good or I would never have spent that much money. But wouldn't they look even better without so much of me filling them up? I don't yet have an answer for the first question so I decided to really try working on the second, the squishy uncomfortable one.

I've started taking the stairs up from the transit tunnel, that's three flights. Then from there I walk up, and I do mean up, the two blocks to the farthest building entrance. By the time I get to the elevator lobby I'm breathless and my legs are burning. But really that's not enough. I've got to do more than a few stairs and a couple of blocks of hills. Tonight I added the 30 Day Shred DVD into the mix. My god does Jillian really hit you hard. I had forgotten how much your muscles feel used (perhaps abused) afterwards. Even though it's only 20 minutes it feels like a year. It's got to make a difference. All that put together has got to help the squishy spongy saggy parts. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm STICKING TO IT!!!

So the horridly expensive jeans have a reprieve. I'll give it a month, all four weeks, 28 days of February. If things are feeling better, if there's less squish back there, then I will give myself the gift of the designer jeans. Just perhaps I'll even get to exchange them for a smaller size. I think they are worth a month of hard work no matter what the size. I think I'm worth a month of hard work no matter what.

And then there were four

2010-01-27T17:36:00.000-08:00

Finished reading the fourth book of the year last night, "Roommates Wanted" by Lisa Jewell. A great story about an odd group of single people living together in London. So far I'm awesome at picking based on title and back cover blurb. British chick lit is oh so good.

There are several other books by the same author. I think I'll add Lisa Jewell to my list of authors to read more from.

Another closed cover

2010-01-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

I've been a reading fiend so far in 2010. Can hardly get enough. Up late. Turning off the TV to read. Read on the bus. Read during lunch. Read, read and then read some more.

So far I'm three for three in my choices. I've liked them all and they've each been different. Took a bit to get into this book because the author was very wordy. Her sentences going on and on for several long lines. But then I got accustomed to it and couldn't read it enough or learn enough about the characters.

This one was The Second Coming of Lucy Hatch by Marsha Moyer. The story of, well obviously, Lucy Hatch a recently widowed woman and her journey back to life from a stable but emotionless marriage. She moves back to her hometown and falls deeply amazingly passionately in love with a man, Ash, who feels entirely the same way. Well written love scenes. A wrenching depiction of Lucy's grief.

There is a second installment in the story of Lucy and Ash that I hope to read as well, called The Last of the Honky Tonk Angels.

The old switcher-oo

2010-01-18T16:21:00.001-08:00

After I've finished reading a book I really enjoyed I find it difficult to get into the flow of a new one. It's as if that old book is so burnished into my brain and the words of that author are the only ones I can process and all others be damned.

Book 3 of 2010 started with difficulty this weekend. I kept having to re-read sentences and start paragraphs over again. The sentences seemed to scatter into word pieces in my brain that I could not put back together into a logical flow. Wait now her husband died...how, wait now she's...a widow, wait now she's living alone...where, I duh huh?

Am I the only one?

Oh and about the meds

2010-01-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Just before Thanksgiving I decided to stop taking the anti-depressants entirely. No more half dose for me. The timing of it was fairly odd because it was right before the holidays which is of course a notoriously stressful time for most people. And having Thanksgiving with both of my parents for the first time in 15 years I should have been upping my dosage not stopping it entirely. But I just knew it was the right thing to do. I can't really even tell you why.

At first it was a bit like the when I cut my dosage but slightly different. I had these strange electric shock feelings every so often. They have stopped since then, which I'm very glad for because it was kind of uncomfortable.

So that's me, med free and feeling good.

And a Two

2010-01-16T13:38:00.000-08:00

Stayed up late last night and finished my second book of 2010, The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski. From the moment I started reading it I just had to finish it. It's the story of a mid-30's woman (June) who gives a new acquaintance (Marissa) a ride home and they end up in a car accident which kills Marissa. The whole story surrounds June trying to complete a To Do list that Marissa had written before her death.

The style reminded me a lot of Monica McInerney who's books I really love. The people are well written and the story progresses with a great flow. Really recommend it.

Back again; 2010 book reading begins

2010-01-13T20:07:00.000-08:00

Went away again didn't I? Not even sure what I wrote here last. So let's just start again, shall we?

Had a pretty good holiday. Dad came to visit for Thanksgiving. We painted my bedroom ceiling and walls. Took a while for me to get used to the wall color. It's an apple green. Still trying to find a duvet cover that works with the wall color and the new drapes I chose. The drapes are a dark gray. Also need to get myself an actual dresser. Haven't found anything that I like quite yet. Christmas was good too. I was a PMS crazed lunatic right before New Year's so I was asleep by 10:30. Oh well to that one.

Tally's doing really well. Still a sweetie and staying healthy. Yeah!

On January 3rd I hit Half Price Books and walked away with 9 books for less than $40. Made me so stupidly happy to have that many books waiting to be read next to my bed. Just finished the first one of the pile on the bus ride home tonight. It was The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King. It is the first of a series and I'm looking forward to reading the next ones. The story involves a young woman and her friendship and partnership with Sherlock Holmes. Really well done and worth reading. I'm glad that Peter suggested it. And that I finally found it at HPB.

Not sure which book I'll start next. I'll have to see what interests me on the pile before bed tonight. I shall try to keep up and not stay away so long again.

Regrets

2009-09-07T20:46:00.001-07:00

A post on a friends blog got me thinking about things that I regret. There are a lot of things as I'm sure there are for everyone but there are three in particular that are really nagging at me lately.

The first one happened a long time ago, perhaps 4 grade. W and I were at my house playing. We were standing in front of our pantry trying to decide what to have as a snack. She wasn't making a decision. For some reason it made me mad. I have no recollection why but I said to her that if she didn't make a decision I would hit her. She didn't and so I did. I hit my friend. I was what about 11 at the time maybe only 10. Even now at 35 it still bothers me. I still wish I could go back to that moment and not hit my friend.

The others are more recent in the past few years. Two friends got married. I could have, no wait I should have gone to their weddings/receptions. It would have meant traveling out of state which at the time would have been a bit of a financial strain but nothing I couldn't have taken care of. In both cases I couldn't make myself go. I've been up and down the past decade or so and that was a down time. I look back now and I cannot believe that I didn't go. I wasn't there when my friends wanted me to be. I wasn't even able to properly face it. I didn't RSVP either way to either event. I didn't even RSVP. I couldn't face telling them. I couldn't face any part of either event in any way.

I feel like each of these events are sticking with me for a reason and I hope to one day be able to get past each of them and make peace with it. But for now I'll just let it be known here; I feel horribly for each of them and would change them all if I could.

Damn you Bill

2009-08-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

Right now Hurricane Bill is speeding his merry way along toward the Eastern Coast of the United States. At any other point in my life I would not worry one little bit about said Hurricane. But the issue with our "friend" Bill here is that he's heading to the Eastern Coast of the United States where I will be vacationing next week!

This is my first vacation, of more than a long weekend, in two and a half years. Holy hell that's a long time. And I couldn't be looking forward to it any more than I am. I am longing greatly for a week of lazy beach time.

I swear I will torture all Bill's for the rest of my life if this Hurricane steps one little intrusive swirly cloud into my vacation. Let's all aim our high powered fans toward the East Coast in order to veer Bill from his currently predicted destination, OK? OK.

I'm a bit of a fan

2009-08-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

I've discovered the show "Bones" and I am loving it. It's in repeats on TNT and my lovely little DVR tapes all of the shows for me. Then I spend a lovely evening watching them. I play with Tally in bits and pieces because she doesn't like it when I pay obsessed attention to anything other than her. Tonight I've worn her out playing and she's passed out cold on the entry rug. It's a little orange rug and she really likes it.

Have you ever seen the show "Castle"? It stars Nathan Fillion. It's a great show. A lot like "Bones". Funny and interesting and well there's the lovely Nathan Fillion eye candy. My god is he the most gorgeous man. Funny and adorable and Canadian! I do believe that if he and I met it would be love at first sight. :)

And do you know what I'm also a fan of? Jelly Belly Sours. Almost as much as Nathan Fillion.

Where'd she go?

2009-08-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

It happened again. I stopped writing here. Can't figure out why but it did. It does.

Don't have a ton to say so I'll just start by telling you what's been going on.

Boss was gone for the last two weeks of July and it was fantastic. Loved it. Got to make the decisions about what people where doing almost as if I was actually fulfilling my job description! Also had a few meetings with Big boss (my boss's father) about how things were going with boss and how I should tailor my interactions with him to suit his style because that's what he needs. That's how he works. That's what I should do. Um wait a minute I say. Why is it that my style works well with everyone else in the office and not boss but it's me that has to change? Why is it that boss's style means that no one wants to work with him but we are the ones who have to change? Don't think so big boss. Things need to change and it isn't me that's the issue. He says he's going to make things happen. Little boss has been back a week and so far nothing's changed. Wait and see.

Got all of my plans for my vacation set. Flight, hotels and car. All ready to go. Now I just have to wait two more weeks and it will be vacation city for this gal. Tally's going to stay with my mom for the week.

Speaking of Tally she's been doing great. She's loving our longer summer walks and so am I. She's been shedding like crazy! The heat last week of July really killed her energy level and turned her into a shedding machine. I can't keep up with all of the hair. No matter how often I clean. This week her energy has been getting back to normal. She's playing a ton and seems really happy.

This past week a contractor has been tearing out the common wall between the bedrooms from Molly's side. So poor Molly has been having to live sleeping in her living room all week. Can you even imagine? Going from a small place (650 sq ft) and not having the use of an entire room for a week!!! Ugh. He took out the existing drywall and lame insulation replaced it with quiet batt insulation, homasote sound barrier board and will drywall over it all tomorrow. He's also been building out her closet in the plan I came up with. Then while I'm vacation he's going to build out my closet. I'm very lucky to not have to live through the construction like Molly has had to.

Well that's all I can think of for now. Perhaps I'll be back again soon.

What now?

2009-07-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

Vacation hotel has confirmed. So that's set. Now I still need the two nights in Norfolk on each end but I'll probably get that done this weekend. I think I've picked the place so it's just a matter of gettin' er done. So I suppose that means I've got myself a vacation. Right at the moment it doesn't seem real. I can't quite put my head around the fact that I'm going to go on vacation and by myself for that matter.

I'm not sure how it will be. If over the course of the week I'll get sick of myself. Get too stuck in my head and not be able to get out. I don't want a solitary vacation. I do want to interact with other people. I'm not sure how I'll do that while in a place I don't know. The logistics of a solo vacation are alluding me. But then again perhaps I'm over thinking it. Got a few more weeks to figure it all out.

The work week is going agonizingly slowly. Boss guy is on vacation for two weeks starting next week and I'm sort of looking forward to it. Without him there I actually get to do my old job again but I'm so unmotivated that I could care less. I just don't care about what's going on there. *sigh*

I'm lacking things to say. Wishing I had more to say. Today on the bus I couldn't read my book. Couldn't focus on it. Hate it when my brain can't put itself together well enough. Train of thought not following.

So that'll be all for now. Later skaters.

Time marches slowly for those keeping track

2009-07-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

Things have been slow at work. SLOW. I've spent most of today researching things to do on my vacation and creating a My Maps in Google maps marking all of the necessary spots. You know like the location of the nearest Starbucks. Just kidding there aren't any Starbucks where I'm going. Strange but true.

So far I've booked my hotel (I think, but they haven't confirmed yet!), my flight and the rental car. I've got to get a night at a hotel closest to the airport for the first night and last night. My flight doesn't land until about 7PM and I don't want to drive 130+ miles right after flying across country. The night I land I'll pick up the car stay near the airport and then head out the next morning. Same thing on the way back but in reverse. I'm really excited and wish it wasn't more than 6 weeks away. Summers always go by quickly so I'm sure it will be here before I know it.

Speaking of strange office chairs, this afternoon I've been sitting on one of those exercise ball thingys in a chair base. Hoping to improve my overall body shape before having to don a swimsuit for an entire week. GAH!!

Since you mentioned it, I've had two friends have babies in the last two days. Both are named Jessica W and both delivered at the same hospital. One delivered a little boy EARLY yesterday morning and the other a little girl early this morning. Babies babies all around. My co-workers wife who has been on hospital bed rest for the past few months is set to deliver in a week and a half. Babies babies babies everywhere.

And while I am being pretending sequitur but actually non sequitur girl I might as well tell you that Tally is doing really well. Shedding like the dickens, but really doing great. We had a milestone moment the other evening during bath time. I've learned over time that it's easier to get into the bath tub with her (in my swimsuit sitting on a little stool) than to reach into the tub on my knees. She doesn't really like baths and tries to bury her head as far as she can into my lap and away from the water. On Tuesday for the first time ever I was able to coax her into the bath tub all on her own! I didn't have to pick her up and place her in. It was GREAT! Perhaps some day she'll get comfortable enough with the water that I can wash her head. But I'm not banking on that. I'll take this small victory.

A half an hour left of my work day. How shall I waste it? What are your favorite ways to waste time at work? Do tell!

The news came before lunch

2009-07-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was just leaving the office to meet Amy and Peter for lunch when my cell phone rang. It was my dad. I'd sent him an email about and hour earlier and he thought he'd call me.

Grandpa died last night. Dad was the only one with him at the time even though just a few minutes earlier his room was filled with people. My dad got to be with his dad alone at the very perfect moment. They got to experience this final moment, just the two of them, father and eldest son.

My dad seems to be OK. Taking it all in. Processing. I am too. A bit numb now. Nothing more to say.

Am I supposed to work here?

2009-06-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

I've done a grand total (if I'm pushing it and rounding WAY up) an hours worth of work today. One little tiny hour. Since they got rid of the support department and made me it, my workload has become really cyclical. The nature of our software means that the beginning of the month and the beginning of fiscal periods are busy. The ends of the month before a holiday weekend, not so much.

So in the other million free hours I've had today I discovered that I might want to vacation to Hatteras, North Carolina. Ever been there? Me neither. I'm looking for a place on the ocean, that's a bit touristy with a small little town where I can relax and be a lump. Oh and yeah for a week. Oh and yeah by myself.

This will be the first time that I have ever gone on a vacation by myself. I'm kind of nervous and kind of thrilled by the idea of it. Perhaps after I get back I'll be revolted by the idea but you never know.

Initially I started out this quest for a vacation destination by trying to find a tour for single people. Not hard to find. But the more I read about them the more I realized that I didn't want to be around a group of strangers for a week going here, there and everywhere. I wanted to lay low. I wanted to do nothing at all. I wanted sun and water and surf and sand and a book or seven. That's it.

Not sure yet if it's going to be Hatteras but the Outer Bank is sounding right. Maybe further north around Kitty Hawk or Kill Devil Hill or Nags Head. Going to keep on researching and see which spot it will be.

Since I've been gone & Tally's FINAL CHEMO

2009-06-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since my last post. Was it really a week and a half ago? Time has flown by.

First off grandpa is still hanging on. He's such a trooper. He started talking a bit on Friday, the 19th and talked to us all day long on Saturday. Most of it was not in the current time period but oh well. He started the day in the near time frame only going back about 25 or 30 years and thinking that he had to get to the firehouse for work. Then at one point he thought he was on the USS Boise which is where he spent all of his time in WWII. Then at the end of the day he was a slick teenager hitting on me and my cousin. Some quotes were amazingly funny. Like the one where he said to my Uncle's girlfriend that she had tied him up really well last night and that he was glad there weren't any fires. We all nearly peed ourselves laughing. Saturday was his best day. Sunday when we got to the hospital he was really agitated and asked for ice water and said yes to the question about pain medication. Little did we know that the ice water request would be the last intelligible words we would get from him. After getting his pain medicine he was out for the day. Everyone else left on Sunday and dad went to work on Monday so I went to the hospital by myself. I was not prepared for what I was about to witness.

I just happened to arrive at the same time his orthopedic surgeon did to perform a post-op check. Overnight grandpa had deteriorated and his sugar level had sky rocketed. Apparently the overnight nurse wrote in his chart the the insulin was refused at midnight. Let me tell you that grandpa most certainly was not in any position to refuse any medication. The day nurse and the surgeon went spinning into action saying that they needed to get the primary physician on the phone now and that maybe grandpa needed to go to ICU. It was a really overwhelming way to end my visit with grandpa.

He pulled through that craziness and has since been moved back to the care facility where he's been living for nearly a year. He's in his apartment there with round the clock care. No tubes, or wires or needles. Just grandpa. They have figured out how to manage his discomfort and he seems to be settled in for as long as he can hold out. I'm so glad that he's not in the hospital and around all of that insanity. He's home and peaceful. You can hear the calm in my dad's voice when he talks about grandpa now. Whereas before it was TENSION!!! I'm so glad that I got to see him one last time. It was well worth the emotional turmoil.

Came home late Monday night the 22nd. Britten brought Tally with her to pick me up at the airport. It was SO great to see my little puppy girl again and I was looking forward to a night's sleep in my bed and a calm week. On Tuesday during our evening walk Tally started limping but kept on moving and I didn't think much of it. I gave her paw a thorough once over when we got home and then went off to my hair appointment. When I got home she was limping even more and really freaking me out. I sat right down in the middle of the living room and kept asking her if she was really going to make us run to the ER. Really? Come on Tally. Just for mama can't you shake it off? No. Damn. In the car we went.

The ER Vet shares a space with her Cancer Vet so that made me feel really good. They were all very sweet with her and in the end the Vet thought she must have just sprained her elbow. We left with some anti-inflamatories and orders to rest for a week. Gave her one of the pills when we got home and another in the morning. During our morning walk you would have thought I'd made up Tuesday entirely. She was FINE! Nary a limp or hitch to be seen. So I figured she was just getting back at me for leaving her for the weekend.

Then comes the final Chemo appointment on Friday June 26th. What a great experience that was. The awesome Cancer Vet and I had a great conversation trying to determine the follow-up process and then proceeded to talk about my vacation plans. Then it was time for the actual Chemo treatment. I was up in front paying, as usual, and when Tally was done she did her normal full force run from the back of the office straight to me. This time though she was wearing a little red bandanna with the words "I'm a Cancer Survivor" on it. I nearly started crying. It was just about the most adorable and most inspiring thing that has happened since all of this cancer craziness first started.

Here's a picture of her in all her post-chemo bandanna clad glory!

The next day was my 25th oh wait my 35th birthday! Although with the way I tore it up you may have thought I was turning 25. Started the day by meeting Heather for breakfast at Portage Bay Cafe in South Lake Union. Jess had hoped to join us but she was hit full force with something evil that was causing her to lose all of her insides out both major orifices since 1AM that morning. So needless to say my very pregnant friend thought it best to stay home. Heather and I missed her dearly but forged on as best we could. Since neither of us are preggers we decided to have a bit of the bubbly, so mimosa's it was. Then we went to REI were I got some new sandal's, had a hilarious exchange with the REI shoe department employee and tried on some swimsuits. Wait scratch that last thing. Nope no swimsuits were tried on. Really it was just the shoe department. That's all. (See Heather I told you I wouldn't mention it ever again.)

Then home for a bit for some Tally time and then off to Mani's and Pedi's. This time it was Molly, Ali, Amy and Jessica. There was more champagne, cookies, fruit and a lot of laughs. Back home for Tally's evening constitutional and then on to dinner. Our group grew to 12 at dinner. Amy had made reservations at La Carta de Oxaca and man was it amazing. Margarita's, amazing Mexican food, little puzzles, stickers, and a lot of laughing. For dessert we headed over to Cupcake Royale where the entire store sang "Happy Birthday to me!" I reveled in every moment of my day and enjoyed it ALL!! Thank you to Brooke, Cliff, Brent, Amy (mama), Peter, Dave Peck, James and girlies for so much fun! What a day. Even the hangover on Sunday couldn't diminish my smile.

Sunday was my first book club meeting and that went great too. I had a lot of fun talking about the two books, "The Alienist" and "Judas Child". I felt smart, funny and interesting. Yeah me!

So I have to say if this is 35, I'll take it.

Off to Texas. Off to say goodbye

2009-06-18T16:00:00.001-07:00

Last weekend my grandpa (dad's dad) fell, breaking his elbow and hip. In order to fix the hip they had to completely sedate him, something they didn't want to do. Since then things have not improved at all. He developed pneumonia, began to have trouble swallowing, and wasn't able to speak.

Turns out he had a serious stroke as well.

He has left instructions that he does not want any heroic measures including a feeding tube which would be the next step. Hospice has been called.

Grandpa hasn't been happy ever since grandma died. He just hasn't seen the point of being around with Betty not by his side. He doesn't seem to be fighting to stay around so we are all preparing for him to go.

So I'm heading to Texas to say goodbye to my last grandparent. I don't know how to do it.

Chemo #5 - Checking in

2009-06-14T20:48:00.001-07:00

Friday morning was Tally's 5th Chemo appointment. Overall I'm shocked by how well she does each time. She's always so sweet and happy to see all of the people at the vet office. But I suppose that really shouldn't shock me. She's generally a happy easy going dog.

The side effects are fairly minimal. The list of what could happen is rather long and so far hers are centered around the lethargy and a bit of a stomach issue. This time the stomach hasn't been as big of a deal. But she has been pretty tired. I'm not sure if I'll know what to do with her when this is over and she wants to start playing again. That will be strange.

But really she is doing great and it's almost over. Only one more to go. Can't wait for it to be over. The vet said that she's not sure yet how to monitor her afterwards. So I'm a bit nervous about that. I'm sure it won't be awful but I'm not good with unknowns so I'll be really glad when that's all sorted.

And now for a graceful switch of topics today I did a bunch of stuff around the house, inside and out. Started by waking at 5:20 even with my newly purchased sleep mask. That's frustrating. Stayed up for a bit and then back to sleep for a bit. Up for good at 9. Then a Tally walk and off to Home Depot. Had to buy some plants for a big container on the patio, some mulch, and black spray paint. See I've got these two red and white patio chairs that are looking a bit worse for wear so I decided to spray paint them black. That way they will match the new chair I bought this year. Unfortunately today it was too windy. So when I got home it was all about yard work. Blech. But the pot is now full of color and one of the beds is fully mulched. Also got a bit of weeding done on the patio. Then inside to paint the ceiling in the hallway and do laundry. Full day all around.

Oh and I think today was day 7 of the Active 30 day challenge. After figuring out my earlier issues with the system (the position you hold the remotes in is VERY important) it's turning into a really great workout. I'm feeling better about my body in lots of ways. Huge step forward there. The med taper is still going well. I don't HAVE to nap any more and if I do it's only an hour or so, not 3 or 4.

Spent time today researching vacation options. My mom called yesterday and offered to take Tally for me so I can go somewhere. The best time for her is August so I've been focused on that time frame. I'm having a hard time figuring out where to go and what to do. I haven't ever taken a vacation by myself and I'm not sure what it will be like. Should I take a tour somewhere or just lay low somewhere? Pros and cons of both. Tour means no alone time, right? Lay low means all alone time, right? I like the idea of being active and I like the idea of being lazy. Mountains would be nice and ocean would be nice. Can I somehow have an active, lazy, social, alone, beachy, mountainy vacation? If so, where?

Another graceful topic change; I joined a book club. I found a listing on meetup.com for a book club that seemed like it might be interesting. It meets once a month and for June they chose two books! I've finished the first and read a few pages of the second last night. The first one was The Alienist. Didn't love it. Thought the writing was a bit forced because it was written in first person recollection. Way too many times where he said "but I didn't know it then" or "it didn't occur to me then". Clunky. Hopefully the next will be better. No matter what it adds a social outlet that I need. I've also joined a few other groups too. Haven't gone to any actual meetups yet but I joined the groups. Does that count for anything? My little brain says yep.

I believe that's all for now. See you all later.

Grrrr

2009-06-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

I am in a HORRIBLE mood today. Capital H-orrible. It all started on Monday night when doing the EA Active workout my little avatar wasn't recognizing that I'd finished an exercise. That day I also had nagging sinus pain. The workout and some decongestants helped. Then yesterday the sinus pain resumed. The workout kept telling me during my warm up that I was intermittently running too slow even though I wasn't changing my pace. I got pissed off and turned off the game to try to see if there were any suggestions in the manual or on-line about this issue. The web site wouldn't process my registration of the game and just hung there. There's nothing in the manual about a sensitivity issue. So I started the workout again but decreased the intensity level.

It was probably the right thing to do but I would rather have been eating an entire box of cookies or cutting my head off than working out at that point. During one section I got so pissed off at the remote I nearly threw it across the room, but that didn't work because it's attached to my wrist. Grrrrr. So I threw little hissy fits at various points but in the end I finished the routine. By then my head felt worse so I ate dinner, drugged up and read my book.

Oh Tally actually wanted to play a bit last night which is a GREAT sign, but it also made me cranky because that means that she's feeling better just in time to go back for her next chemo.

So I played with Tally a bit, until she tired out and then back to my book. Went to bed early and slept fairly well. Then this morning.

My hair is horrid. My face is breaking out like crazy and I've even been having some back acne. GROSS! I feel huge. I want to SCREAM! And why yes I should be getting my period at any moment why do you ask??!?!?!??!?!?

I'm a hormonally charged - bad hair day having - jeans too tight wearing - basket case today. I'd suggest keeping your distance until the Emily you thought you knew returns. Perhaps tomorrow. But you never know. Best to approach from the side and not engage the monster head on.

You have been warned.

I'm Active

2009-06-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

The day after EA Active was released for Wii I ordered it up from Amazon. It took a few days for it to arrive, I immediately removed it from the package and placed it on the shelf. That's where it sat until tonight.

At work today a co-worker said that she bought it last night and was going to start the 30 Day Challenge. I got really excited and told her that I was going to start tonight too! I mean how perfect is it to have someone to give me a little motivation. I mean I certainly don't want to show up to work on Monday and have her beat me! :) Oh and besides she's not a very nice co-worker and told me once that I had no impact on her job and her priorities, which let me tell you as her PM pissed me OFF!! But I digress. This is about working out and not work.

I had to borrow Molly's scale because I don't have one. I filled out my profile and chose a medium intensity workout. Medium intensity my arse! Wow. It felt great and my little personal trainer said I was really doing awesome. So yeah for me.

During one portion they have you do "inline skating" that involves squats and jumping. Well let me tell you that section was too much for Tally. She thought I was playing with her and started to pounce and lunge right along with me. More than a little bit distracting. She also really wanted to be involved when I was doing the side lunges, even got in my way so that I couldn't complete a rep. I was hoping that by taking her to the dog park earlier it would have worn her out, but nope. Hopefully that she'll get used to me being "Active". (holy cheesy comment!)

I always forget just how great I feel after a work out. Hopefully I'll keep this up. I'm thinking that with a bit of motivation/competition I just might.

It's time for an update

2009-05-31T11:03:00.001-07:00

Tally had Chemo #4 on Friday morning. This one was really easy. I can't believe I just called Chemo easy. But it was a lot less difficult than the first three. I'd say nary a side effect to be seen. WAHOO! She's still being picky about eating her normal food but I've been able to combat that by adding the canned version to her dry. She eats it all up lickey split.

This morning we took our normal walk and weekend Starbucks stop. Tally's usually very compliant when I leave her outside but today she just couldn't stand me leaving her behind. She kept barking and drawing me back out to her. A couple with a pug, wife getting the drinks and husband staying with the dog, offered to watch her while I went in. Tally was still very concerned that I was leaving her even with her new friends keeping her company. We usually get to Starbucks a bit earlier than we did today so there was a lot more activity than normal. I think that's why or at least that's what I'm sticking with. Right now she's passed out tummy side up.

And let's see an Emily update. The med taper is going fairly well. The shaking and jitters seem to have passed. Still having problems thinking of the proper words at times but oh well. My energy level has increased, which is GREAT! I'm able to go an entire weekend without a nap. That in itself is a miracle. I seem to need a lot less sleep overall which again miraculous. I've been tackling tasks around the house and generally able to keep moving. On Tuesday it will have been two weeks on the decreased dose and I'm not sure when I'll stop entirely. Maybe a few more weeks. I'll give it time. Take it slow and easy. For now I'm really happy with how it's going and I'll keep it at that.

Off to get more done around the casa. Perhaps I'll get those under cabinet lights installed. Certainly have to keep going on the den.

Happy weekend to all!

Those little annoyances

2009-05-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

Shauna at Pickles & Dimes brought up some of the irrational things that annoy her and I realized that I have a LOT to say on that topic right at this moment. Rather than fill up her comments section I thought I'd write them down. Hang on here we go.

1) When someone on the bus talks on their cell phone or to their bus friend as if the rest of us aren't all stuck there having to listen to their conversation. 'Cause really all I wanted to do on the ride home was listen to you. Nope, didn't want to read my book in peace at all.

2) When people don't pay attention to the situation around them. Like when a long line has formed in the left turn lane and there is someone with ten thousand car lengths between them and the car in front of them and it would completely change the flow (or non-flow) of traffic if that one person would just move their car forward. Or in the grocery store when they just stand there in the middle of the aisle contemplating the rice cake selections when I need to get by. Or they stand in the middle of the escalator when a group of people have piled up behind them. Perhaps this is really several items in one?

3) Working lunches. The only time I have to get away from you people and now I have to eat lunch with you. Similarly when you have to come in early for a meeting. Please, as if my sleep isn't precious or anything.

4) When a book is assigned reading for work. Um, seriously? I have enough to do while I'm at work do you really think I want to read about work when I'm not here? That's a big old NOPE!

5) When someone is congested and is constantly snorting their snot as if we aren't all sitting here having to listen to their phlegm parade.

6) When people won't take no for an answer and keep pushing for you to try food. No really just try it. NO I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I'LL EAT WHAT I WANT!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

7) When my hair just won't do what I want it to.

8) When my pants are too tight.

9) When I can't find a single solitary object of clothing that I want to buy even when I have a gift card to spend.

10) And last but not least, people who drop their cigarette butts every where and anywhere because the world is their garbage can OF COURSE!

Shaking and fidgety

2009-05-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Last night when I got home from work Tally seemed to be doing OK. We had a pretty good walk. She didn't eat anything except a few treats but she was holding steady. Then as the night wore on she started to get the shakes. It was so sad. She didn't want to lay down in her normal spot on the couch so I let her lay on the other side of me and wrapped her up in a blanket where she stayed comfortably for the rest of the night and on into this morning. It really made me sad to see her like that. I hated having to leave her this morning since she didn't eat her breakfast either.

Then there's me and my meds tapering fidgety self. So far it hasn't been too bad but it is a bit odd. It feels like every so often I lose control of my motor skills and have to fidget and contort. And I feel a bit of an odd tight headache which could also be due to the insane allergy issues I been having but who's to say. The feeling makes it hard to sit still or focus. Especially with one of my co-workers who expects me to automatically have all of the history and back story on tasks without even trying. He just says things and expects me to know the who, where, what, when and why of it and I can't think straight enough to figure it all out.

It's only day two so I'm going to keep on keeping on. Here's hoping it gets better and not worse. Same goes for my little Tally bear. Better not worse. BETTER NOT WORSE!

Chemo #3

2009-05-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

This morning was Tally's Chemo #3. She did really well. I stayed home with her for the morning and then went in to work. It was hard to leave her right afterwards like that. I always get so concerned about her.

When I came home she was waiting for me at the door, which is always a great sign. She didn't want to eat any dinner and has been acting fairly uncomfortable all night. I was able to hide one of her anti-nausea pills in a treat and she ate it. Hopefully that will help her be more comfortable. Or at least be able lay down and settle in for more than a few minutes.

Time to put away the computer for the night and give her some attention. As if I haven't been already. :)

I'm a taperer

2009-05-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

The tests my doctor ran last week all came back normal except my Vitamin D level which is low. Not a shock for someone who lives in the PNW. She's going to prescribe some D for a bit and then see how I'm doing. The other thing that I'm going to do is taper off my anti-depressants.

I've thought about going off them every now and again over the past few years. There was always a reason not to. This time it seems like the probable side effects are too great and out weigh any benefits I might be getting. So starting this morning I'm on a half a dose and will stay on that for a while. Not yet sure how long since there really isn't any strict protocol for going off them. It's sort of a try this and see type of thing. So that's what I'm going to do. I figure I'll take it slowly and see how it goes. No rushing it.

Wish me luck. I'm a bit nervous but I'll handle it. No matter what I'll handle it. Off I go. Off the meds I go.

No sir not today.

2009-05-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Tally's neutrophil count was 1100 today, which while higher than her low point of 900 was still lower than the 1500 threshold that the Awesome Cancer Vet determines for a suitable treatment level. So no Chemo today. But she did decide that we are only going to do a total of 6 treatments. So far we've got two down. Four left and they will be every other week from here on out.

Her energy level has been fairly decent this week. She's been picky about her food but I can handle that. When we got back from the Vet she was playful and actually ate her normal food with nothing added. I think she gets a vitamin shot after they take her blood so perhaps that accounts for it. Right now she's laying low. Or at least she was until I typed that sentence. She always knows when is the best time to need attention. It's hard to type with one hand.

********************************

Brother just stopped by to give me this month's car payment. Yeah money!

********************************

Just took Tally out for a quick potty break. Cold and rainy tonight. Now I'm going to make myself some hot chocolate. It's a spicy hot cocoa. Numm Yummy.

On Monday I went to my Dr. to see if she can figure out what's going on with me. I am tired all of the time and sleep a LOT!! I can get a full 8 hours of sleep wake up for a few hours and then nap for another four hours, up for a few hours and then back to that napping thing. Lots and lots of sleep. She asked me a bunch of questions, obviously, and decided on a bunch of blood tests. Haven't heard back from her yet. One of the things that might be causing it is the anti-depressants and I'm kind of hoping it is them. I'd like to stop taking them, finally. I've been on them for more than 7 years and it just seems like time to be done. Hopefully it will go well. Makes me a bit nervous, the thought of the side-effects that is. Getting off the meds seems right. Not sure why.

And that is all for today class. See you again soon.

Gratuitous Picture/Video Post

2009-05-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

A while ago Shauna asked for some more pictures of Tally so I'm going to honor that request. :)

Here's a short video I shot in the park nearly a year ago 5/17/08. She LOVES to run in the dirt of the ball field.

And here's a picture I took the day she had her tumor removed. Such a drugged out sleepy head that day. 2/2/09 **Edit: This was actually after her scope procedure. Not tumor removal.**

And then one about a week later sleeping with her little bee. 2/12/09

A few of her shaved parts from IV's and ultrasounds. 2/26/09 & 3/25/09

In this one I just love her little face. 3/25/09

And this one is from tonight. You can see how much her tummy hair is growing back in. 5/7/09

So there she is. I have to remember to post pictures more often. She's so photogenic!

I drugged my dog

2009-05-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning Tally wouldn't eat and I was feeling crappy myself. After a walk and her trying to eat every blade of grass in sight I decided it was finally time to give her some of the anti-nausea pill. I took one out of the blister pack and used every trick I could think of to get it in her. In the end it was the old pry her mouth open and shove it toward the back of her mouth on that worked. Then we both hit the couch for a nap, after I'd called in sick to work that is. I'd been asleep for about an hour when I woke with a start and realized that I was only supposed to give her half a pill! Half! Holy crap I'd drugged my dog. Frantically I picked up my phone and called the Cancer Vet, of course since by this time it was only 7:15 AM they weren't open yet so I left and message saying what I'd done and that I was going to call the emergency clinic. Emergency Clinic called, fears allayed. Apparently three times the dose is safe. Thank god. Back to sleep we went. Around 10 the Cancer Clinic called to make sure I had gotten the info I needed. I told them that she'd hardly budged in three hours. Snoozing like a big old log. They said that was one of the side-effects. Either that or hyperactivity. Boy am I glad that she chose sleep instead of the other option.

She and I spent the rest of the day snoozing up a storm. But still that night I couldn't get her to eat anything. This morning I took her on a short walk, called in sick again, and dragged myself to the pet food store. Picked up more stinky foods and even stopped at the grocery store for myself.

Home again, pile of stinky food served and eaten! And joy rang out! Tally has had her first meal in a day and a half. Big sigh of relief for doggie mom. Then tonight just as I started to write this post she even tried to play for half a second! Wahoo!!! And she went to her food bowl and ate a few bites of her normal food. Of course now she's conked out again on the couch but still. It's great. I'm thrilled.

So I drugged my dog and she slept for a day and a half (well, so did I) but we are both bouncing back.

This week's chemo was a go

2009-05-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

Tally has been a bit off since Saturday. Her appetite is not its usual voracious self. She can't lay still for more than two minutes at a time. She hasn't wanted to play for days. Grass is a MUST eat. Of course I've been terribly worried. I even made Molly come over last night to help me take her temperature. I was convinced that she was feverish and on the verge of death. I had even checked to make sure that the Emergency clinic next to the Cancer vet was open 24 hours.

Of course, she's fine. I'm an insane worry wart and she's fine.

Awesome Cancer Vet was a bit concerned about why Tally's been off the past few days. We talked about it and went over it and thought about it. In the end we decided to go ahead with the plan; blood test and then if that turns out OK chemo. Had to wait longer than the first week. A lot longer.

Now she's trying to sleep on the couch. On her back, legs straight up in the air. After much testing of every other spot imaginable. I hope she's able to sleep for a bit. I certainly hope that she sleeps tonight. Last night was rough. I think she moved around ten thousand times. Woke me up just as many.

Wish me luck that we have a better night tonight.

Chemo #2 a no go

2009-04-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today was scheduled to be Tally's second chemo appointment. They do a CBC beforehand and then decide if they will do the chemo. Today based on her white count they decided not to. In fact she's now on antibiotics for three days. At this moment she's passed out on the couch.

Hoping that she doesn't get sick and that we can get back on schedule next week. I really do not want this to take longer and keep going on and on. It's all really weighing on me. I'm hanging in there but man am I tired. Tired.

I'd love a vacation. I'd really like to stop having anything to worry about. I'd like everything to be calm and easy. And while I'm at it I would like to win the lottery that I don't play. I'd like to drop 10 pounds without trying. I'd like my hair to quit this frizz thing it's doing. I'd like my house to be in exactly perfect condition. And then there's that whole world peace thing.

Lamb Tripe smells like A**!!!

2009-04-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

The short list of side effects of Tally's Chemo include any of the wonderful following items:
1) Vomiting
2) Diarrhea
3) Constipation
4) Fever
5)Lethargy
6) Anorexia

Isn't that a wonderful list? So far, no Vomit! WAHOO! Diarrhea, well this mornings "outing" was a bit off but I'm keeping my fingers crossed against that. Constipation, nope, see previous symptom. Fever, oh god I hope not because I'm really not sure I can handle taking her temperature up her you know what. Lethargy, Check! Poor little punkin is so tired. Anorexia, oh hell yeah. She turns her little nose up at her food as if I've poisoned it. Earlier this week I added some chicken based baby food to her regular dry food and she ate it up!

In a fit of nerves I stopped at the hipster Pet Store last night wanting to get her something that was made for dogs and not babies. I asked one of the sales people what food she would suggest. She said the smellier the better and suggested Tripe. There was a brand of canned dog food that was a few different varieties of tripe. My stomach promptly turned over at the mere mention of it. I talked with her more about it and she offered to give me a can of my choice to try for free. Couldn't pass that up so I took a small can of Lamb Tripe home along with a can of pureed Sweet Potato and pureed Pumpkin.

Her food from that morning was still sitting in her bowl so I added what was left of the baby food and some Sweet Potato and hoped for the best. Baby food, check! Sweet Potato, no way are you kidding me I'd rather lick around the rest of the empty bowl than eat that crap. So the option left for me was the Lamb Tripe. Oh god please don't make me feed her tripe.

I opened the can. IT IS HORRIBLE! My dinner nearly came up as I dug it out of the can and mixed it into her dry food. She loved it. Damn dog. Then this morning my empty stomach nearly rebelled when I reached in to remove the sealed container from the fridge. My stomach is doing flips right now just writing this.

Perhaps #1 on the side effect list had nothing to do with her but was all about me. Oh lord.

Tally Chemo Treatment #1

2009-04-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

Tally had her first Chemo treatment yesterday. I took the afternoon off of work to take her. She of course was her usual uber excited self when getting in the car at home and getting out at the clinic. She was really happy and sweet when meeting the new vet tech. And happy to see Awesome Cancer Vet again. Then came time to actually take her back into the room where they give the Chemo. She didn't want to go with them. She practically attached herself to my legs so I had to walk with her into the room and then leave her with them. They don't allow owners to be back there because they don't want us exposed to anything. Heart wrenching to leave her behind straining on the leash to be with me.

I retreated out to the waiting room nearly in tears and was pacing back and forth. I tried to occupy myself by reading the paper but that didn't work. I paid the bill for that day's treatment and then paced some more. I can't even begin to tell you how long it took because it seemed like forever but then she finally came bounding out of the room down the hall and straight to me. My god do I love that dog.

We then went home and had a pretty typical evening together. Sat out in the sun on the patio with Molly for a bit then off for a nap on the couch. She was fine eating her dinner and I thought we would get through that night without issue. Then around 10:30 when I was just about to get ready for bed she started to dry heave. Ugh. It was only a few times but I decided that was enough of a warning so I covered the living room rug (the only rug in the entire house) with towels. I then tried to sleep on the couch with her. Around 12:30 she wanted to go out to pee so we did that. Then she calmed down easily and so I took a chance and went into my bed. I left my door open so that I would have quick access to the living room just in case. Luckily no puking last night.

This morning she was very tentative about eating her food. She ate about a third of it and then left the rest until after our walk. Any time she doesn't devour her food I just know that something isn't right. On our walk she REALLY wanted to eat grass. I let her eat a bit hoping that it would help soothe her tum. The vet gave me some medication to give her if she has problems with things coming and going from either end.

I'm very nervous about how she's doing. I'm going to leave work a little bit early today. What I really wish is that I was home with her right now. My mind won't stop wondering how she's feeling and coping. Her next appointment is Tuesday the 28th and I'm going to take that entire day off. They didn't have an appointment time available that was late enough to make working a partial day possible so a full day off it is!

Can't wait to get home and take care of her.

And the diagnosis is...

2009-04-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

Canine Transmissible Venereal Tumor. The Awesome Cancer Vet called on Friday afternoon with the details. The prognosis is good with a 90 to 95% cure rate! Such a load off my mind. First Chemo treatment is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Now that I don't have to worry about what it is she has I'm worrying about what the Chemo is going to do. Aren't I just a bundle of laughs?

It was a really good weekend and I think it was mostly due to the fact that I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I know what kind of cancer it is. Now I know what we are going to do to treat it. Now I know how she got it. Now I know. Yes, there are things I don't know and those things are still stressing me out but I'll get through it.

My weekend started out with a great walk around Green Lake with Tally. Then a call from Amy asking why I wasn't where they were. To which I replied "I didn't know you were anywhere." She then told me where and off I went. We had a great time thinking of puns on Tally and her sexually transmitted cancer. Tally Ho is now very appropriate. As the night wore on I realized that the reason I was there was because of the other single guy who joined the group shortly after I did. Didn't really get to talk to him much because it was a large group. But Britten was inviting us all for a BBQ on Sunday so I figured I'd get to talk to him there anyway. Then Saturday was some weeding and a friends birthday party. Brought Tally with me and had a great time. Talked with Britten for a bit about Mitch and told her I knew that's what they had in mind. She said she hadn't told him either so no worries. Got home around 10 and Matt came over for a bit. Could not fall asleep for the life of me. Finally conked out around 1 I think. Then woke up at 6 on Sunday. That day was a dog park outing with Jean & Jet and then the BBQ at BnB's. Mitch had brought his foster dog and of course I brought Tally but unfortunately they didn't get along very well. Lucy an adorable pit bull was not at all happy with Tally so I wasn't able to talk to Mitch any more that night than Friday night. Brought my brother with me and he had a great time. He'd never met any of them and loved it all. He's also got a man crush on Duncan which I easily predicted before hand.

Such a lovely social weekend. I enjoyed every minute of it and totally wore Tally out. Not sure if it was all of the activity or something else entirely but she threw up on Sunday late morning. Of course that has me worried. As always she laid low as I left for work this morning in her usual protest. Boss says I can leave early today so I'm going to head out of here in a few minutes and fully soak up the sun that is SHINING out there!

Oh and I also got Mitch's email from Britten and sent him an email asking him out. See what happens there.

Follow-up to Cancer day

2009-04-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

So Friday the 3rd was Cancer Day and who'd of thunk it but it went really well. The Cancer Vet was awesome. I loved her just about the minute she stepped in the room. She's got a great bedside manner and was very easy to discuss the issues with.

A synopsis:
1) She will not make a diagnosis based on the information/testing that has been completed thus far.
2) She said that the pathologists report from the tests is very vague and not at all sufficient.
3) Contrary to what the surgeon told me, she does not read the Lymphoma test as being negative rather it was not positive which could have been for a number of reasons.

Her Action Items:
1) Ask for a second pathologist at the same lab to review the test results and report.
2) If that report is as insufficient as the first then she is going to have the sample pulled and sent to a lab at UC-Davis for testing.

She has Action Items! She has a Plan!! I love her!!!

Before I left her I asked if I could give her a hug. That was how happy I was with her and what she is working on for Tally. Oh and she was also rather shocked to learn that the Surgeon just wanted to treat Tally with the information that he had and did not offer a referral to a specialist. And since that shocked me as well I now feel like I'm the smartest pet owner in the world.

So I still haven't gotten any results from the second pathologist but I have faith in Amazing Cancer Vet whom I believe that we should all now refer to as ACV. Those are the facts as I know them. Now I shall venture homeward to spend a lovely evening with my lovely dog. Night all!

Tomorrow is Cancer Day

2009-04-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm taking the afternoon off from work tomorrow in order to take Tally to an appointment with the Animal Cancer Specialist. I have no idea what the outcome of that appointment will be. It makes me nervous.

It's been 5 weeks since I got the call from the Surgeon that the growth he removed was cancerous. 5 weeks and I'm simply spent from all of the waiting and worrying.

My boss pulled me into his office this morning for the first time since the last round of layoffs to see how I was doing. Moron that I am I started crying. HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT!!! I realized when he was asking me that my stress is not related to work. Don't get me wrong now that we have lost half of the employees here I have a lot more work to do and I'm having to learn a LOT more, but that's not what is stressing me out. Tally's unknown cancer is stressing me to near my breaking point.

She's my little piece of family. She's why I race home every night. She's who I worry about and fret about. She's who I talk to at night. She's my constant companion. I adore her little face. She fills the being single with no kids void that I feel.

So tomorrow I hope we find out what we are dealing with and start dealing with it. I need that. I need to move on from the unknown into a process of healing a known.

I've also probably gained 10 pounds during the past 5 weeks which ugh let's not even get in to how I feel about that.

Here's to knowing and dealing with what's to come.

Still here

2009-03-27T11:15:00.001-07:00

Three more people let go today at workplace but I'm still here. Last to arrive and still here. Should I still be here? Sweaty palms and nerves all a jitter. But still here.

Radiologist says: All's well

2009-03-24T16:19:00.001-07:00

So the Radiologist took a look at Tally's chest Xrays from Friday and says all is well. He thought her liver looked a bit small but the ultrasound didn't think so, which means ultrasound wins that argument. Sigh of relief. So far.

After getting these results I called the Animal Cancer Specialists back and got an appointment for Friday, April 3rd for a consultation. The appointment should last an hour. I have no idea what they will say or what the outcome of the appointment will be. That's a bit nerve wracking. I'm going to try to keep a positive outlook because so far so good. Whatever this cancer is it doesn't appear to have spread around. Yeah to that.

I'm very much looking forward to having a diagnosis and getting little miss T on a treatment plan. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I do not like not knowing what it going on. Admittedly April 3rd sounds like a LONG time from now. Which it is really. I mean by that time it will already be P&D's last day of her two weeks notice. See that's a long time! :) Tomorrow it will be four weeks since the surgery procedure. 4 very long weeks.

Off I go now to play with my little bear dog.

A Positive Tally Update!

2009-03-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday the Surgeon called to say that the test for Transitional Cell Carcinoma was inconclusive. He suggested that we start her on the Chemo any way because it is probably what she has. Well I wasn't interested in starting her on Chemo without knowing what she has so I went off in search of a second opinion.

I called the Animal Cancer Specialists who said that they don't usually get involved in the diagnosis phase but that they would pull together her records and give me a call back. On Thursday they said that they would like her to have a Chest XRay and an abdominal ultrasound before they saw her. So I called her regular vet and scheduled those for today.

Dropped little miss T at the vet this morning and just got the call from them that all looks normal. The Ultrasound person did not see any abnormalities anywhere. The XRay looks good but is going out to a Radiologist for confirmation.

So I'm taking those as good signs. Signs that the cancer is not all over the place. Signs that she is strong and fighting what ever this is. I may even get to breathe again for a couple of days.

They had to shave her belly for the ultrasound. She was just looking normal from the scope and growth removal procedure. Oh well. She doesn't mind looking a bit goofy. I mean she's already missing her ears, whats a bit of hair to worry about.

Love you little Tally bear. Can't wait to pick you up tonight. We shall celebrate with some big old treats and tummy scratching.

Random emotional rambling

2009-03-16T10:11:00.001-07:00

I'm having a hard time not knowing what exactly is going on with Tally. They still haven't gotten the results of the tests for Carcinoma. Still waiting.

This weekend I laid low. Very low. Slept on and off all day yesterday with her curled up next to me on the couch. My emotions are all over the place. Spent therapy hour on Saturday crying my eyes out. Spent the rest of the weekend hiding on the couch. I'm alternately sad, mad and numb. I actually find myself getting mad at her because I just want it all to be over. I'm mad at her because she hasn't died yet. What the fuck. That makes me sick to even type that. But it's really how I'm feeling. How I'm dealing with this whole thing. Wanting to cherish every single second but wanting it all over and done with so that I can just move the hell on with it. What ever it will be. I can't imagine anything without her but I also can't imagine having to deal with her anymore.

I want to know what to do if she dies at home but I can't bring myself to Google it. I can't have that information because then it will be real. And yet it is real. But I don't know what is real yet. Damn this limbo is going to drive me insane.

Trying to hold myself together and keep her happy. I'm over feeding her because she loves food so much. I just keep giving her more. I keep giving her what ever she wants. My god I love that dog. What am I going to do without her. How am I possibly going to handle this. And then it seems like I can of course handle this because she's just a dog. But she's my dog. I am supposed to keep her safe and I'm failing her and yet I know I didn't make this happen to her.

How do I reconcile all of this disparate feelings? I don't suppose it's possible. I don't have any idea what's possible right now. Not knowing is hurting me every single day.

Well, it's not Lymphoma

2009-03-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

So the tests came back that Tally does not have Lymphoma. They still have not gotten the results of the test for Carcinoma. Specifically Transitional Cell Carcinoma. Which of course since she said those words over the phone I have Googled a thousand and ten times.

I found a very interesting, if infinitely depressing, article here
http://veterinarymedicine.dvm360.com/vetmed/article/articleDetail.jsp?id=335708&pageID=1&sk=&date=

I love detailed information I just wish that the details weren't so dire. The other thing I don't understand is how she got this. They say it usually occurs in older dogs and specific breeds are more susceptible. She's only 3-ish and not any of those breeds. Perhaps it's because of her bad first years of life. Who knows that the hell she was exposed to in Taiwan.

Oh my poor little punkin. I have a little part of me that keeps hoping that the Carcinoma test will come back as negative also because then maybe she'll be OK. I'm also trying to prepare myself for the worst. How do you remain optimistic but be prepared? I'm having a hard time. A very hard time.

Calling all pet surgeons & Happy Adopt-a-versary!

2009-03-09T12:17:00.001-07:00

Called the vet surgeon on Thursday after not hearing from them (at least I think it was Thursday, it might have been Wednesday). Nope now I remember it was definitely Thursday. Told them I thought that Tally was tired from the medication and they advised I stopped it to see what happened. Well she was even more tired off of the medication. So this morning I started it back up again. They also told me during that call that I should have the final diagnosis early this week probably today.

Man does that make me nervous. So so nervous.

*************************************************

Sunday was our Adopt-a-versary. Took Tally one of her favorite places in the whole world, the pet store. Wanted to get her a new toy and start her back on the Venison & Sweet Potato food. She's been on a Hypoallergenic food for a month or so and I just don't feel like she's getting enough food value from it. I also got her these awesome Dried Sweet Potato chews. She eats them up SO quickly and loves every second of it. I didn't find a new toy that I liked so I opted for a treat and food only outing. Perhaps another pet store run is in the cards for later this week. She really likes to play tug so I was trying to find something good for that. I'll keep looking.

Happy 1 Year Adopt-a-versary my little kookaburra. Love you to pieces. And keeping all of my digits crossed that the news is better than expected from the vet peeps.

Way to demotivate & Tally update & Suckitudeiness

2009-03-04T13:51:00.001-08:00

Brought up an issue to boss who then proceeded to tell me that in the spectrum of things that he cared about this was at the bottom. Cool, huh? And now I just got called into his office with one of the install techs so that I could be told what someone else is doing wrong and then make her do it correctly. This doing the thing wrong person is the Office Manager. One of the 5 people on the Management Team. Me = not on the management team. My boss = on the management team. But yeah I get to tell Office Mgr that she's doing it wrong. Good thing she and I have a great relationship. I am not enjoying my job today.

*******************************************

I called the Vet Surgeon place on Monday to see when I'll find out about the additional tests for Tally. Two weeks. TWO WEEKS I have to wait for a final diagnosis. That makes me mad. I also asked if there was anything that I should be doing during those two weeks and was told that the surgeon would get back to me. That was Monday. Today = Wednesday. Call = Nope.

********************************************

Oh and I have a headache. And I ate a stupid salad for lunch because I am trying to be 'good' but all I want to do is go home and finish off the pint of mint chocolate chip Gelato in my freezer. Wednesdays can suck it.

It's the big C

2009-03-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

So they thought it was nothing but it is something. Got a call on Friday around lunch that Tally does in fact have Cancer. They are not yet sure of the type of Cancer. One option, a Lymphoma, would mean chemotherapy and perhaps another year or two. The other is a Carcinoma and that does not respond to Chemo and would mean less time than the other.

They need to do more testing to determine the type which will take 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! Can you even imagine waiting for two weeks for more information? TWO WEEKS!

Spent the weekend trying to keep things normal. Well OK truth is I spent most of the weekend wondering how I would possibly deal with this and how I could possibly make her life as full and amazing as possible.

She's my little bear and I love her.

Tally's all better now but a bit odd looking

2009-02-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

So Tally had her appointment yesterday for a complete scope of her female bits and etc. The surgeon wanted to do the full scope to make sure that there was nothing else going on in there other than the polyp my vet saw. Of course this was all after the surgeon put the fear of death on me about what the polyp could actually be instead of being a polyp. Let me tell you the other options I DID NOT LIKE! Oh holy hell did they frighten me. So of course in true Emily style I proceeded to stress about all of that from the day of our consult until the day of the procedure which were one week apart.

So yesterday I dropped Tally off for a day of beauty with the surgeon. I nearly started bawling my eyes out when she walked away from me with the tech. I got to work and a few hours later they called to tell me that they had started the procedure. Then a while later the surgeon called to say that it was just a polyp and everything else in all of her bits looks good. He also said that he was going to try to remove it using the scope rather than another more invasive method that involved scalpels and stitches and all sorts of nasty things. Success! The 2 to 3 cm polyp was removed using the scope and Tally could be picked up later that day. WAHOO!!!! There was much rejoicing. I walked around work with a shit eating grin on my face telling each and every one of my co-workers that Tally was fine! I'm such a goon.

So I went to pick her up and talked to the surgical tech for the post-op information. First thing she says when she came into the waiting room was how adorable Tally was and how much everyone loved her. Yes, it's true I have the most adorable dog on the planet! Then she left to get Tally. Oh my poor little girl was SO hungover. She staggered her way along the hallway bumping into door frames and slumping on the ground after getting to me. Then she staggered her way to the car and I was able to lift her into the back seat. She spent the ride home trying with all of her might to keep herself propped up rather than lying down. Why didn't she just lay down? No clue.

Then when we got home she was really disoriented and tried to get away from me when I went to get her out of the car. So I went to the other side of the car and she promptly moved to the other door. Finally I talked her out of the car and into the house. Once in the house she staggered around in circles for a bit and then passed out. A few hours later she stirred enough to get up and stagger around in circles again and look longingly at me up on the couch. She decided she couldn't possibly jump on the couch and collapsed where she was standing. Then a while later more longing looks and finally an attempt to get on the couch. Partial success. She got up there but her back legs lagged behind. And again it was pass out city.

After a while I tried to get her to take a pain pill encased in peanut butter but she would not have it. So I tried smearing the peanut butter pill on a piece of her food. Nope. So I pried open her little jaws and smooshed it down on the back of her tongue. Not long after that I was too tired so I went to bed. This morning she didn't do her normal wake up routine nor did she want much of a walk. She slowly ate breakfast and I got a pain pill in her before I left for work which is good. Now I'm nervous that she had a tough day.

Oh and for the scoping they had to shave several parts of her body. The shins of her front legs, the calf of one of her back legs and her entire private region. I'll see if I can get a good picture of it tonight. You know for posterity not to poke fun at her or anything. :)

So it's all good. My little Tally bear is on the mend. A Thousand $$$ later but oh well.

Scratch that last post

2009-02-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

So I guess my excitement was misplaced. Just got an email from him saying that he doesn't want to see me again.

Dating is the single worst thing that I have ever done in my life. Or perhaps I should say ever tried to do because I am not proving to be capable.

Fuck.

Patience I do not have

2009-02-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

I really have no patience. I don't like waiting. For anything. Probably part of the reason I don't like to cook is that you have to wait for the food to be done. Annoying.

My patience is being put to the test right now. Met someone new on Sunday morning that I'm very interested in seeing again. He said he'd call. He hasn't yet. He mentioned that he had a vendor in town on Monday and dinner with them Monday night so it's safe to assume that's why I didn't hear from him last night. The thought of waiting to see if he might call tonight is about to kill me. I truly might keel over dead right now as I type this.

What would you do? Should I wait to see if he calls tonight? Should I jump first and email him? Or what? Help I do not know what to do!

Man am I bad at being single and dating.

Recap and another Shred

2009-02-09T10:48:00.000-08:00

Had a nothing much weekend. Could have been social and hid instead. On Sunday I was expecting a call from an elementary school friend but she didn't call. Feeds right into all of my insecurities. Instead I vacuumed out my car, took Tally to the dog park, and did another day of 30 day shred. So in truth Sunday wasn't all bad but it was supposed to be better.

Saturday I took Tally for a long meandering walk more than an hour to Green Lake and back. That felt good. That was all I did that day. Didn't even shower. Naps and way too much DIY TV. I got a call from a friend to go to a movie, let it go to voicemail and couldn't bring myself to call him back.

This morning there was snow on the ground. Snow in Seattle is becoming all too common and I do not like it at all.

I called to get Tally a surgery consult appointment to remove the polyp. An hour long appointment next Tuesday afternoon for $125. That's just the pre-op. God knows what the actual surgery will cost. Oh well she is more than worth it. She woke me up Sunday morning puking again. Wish I could figure out what triggers that.

That is all.

Audible SIGH

2009-02-06T11:17:00.001-08:00

Today should be good day. I mean it's a Friday. Friday, that day of the week that you dream for until your longing is so bad it hurts. But for some reason today sucks major poo holes. OK not major but serious.

I've got a headache. It's raining, gray and drab outside. Work is blech. I was supposed to have a massage last night but my gal cancelled. Talked to my dad last night and some of what he had to tell me mad me very sad. Right before he called I was about to start day 2 of 30 Day Shred but after the hour long call I just couldn't must up the motivation.

I tried to lighten my mood by having a comfort food breakfast. See:

That's a Grande Non-fat Chai and a Chocolate Glazed Old Fashioned Doughnut. And, yes, they were both nummy nummy nummers. But they are gone now. And to that I say dang, darn, drat.

So *SIGH* it is. Hopefully my smile will come back. Hopefully.

She's home and mending

2009-02-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

Tally has a polyp. The vet is going to check with a surgeon today to see what method they recommend for removal. Seems to be nothing too scary or problematic at this point. I suppose once they remove it they will run some tests to determine the nature of the polyp. The vet said that they are usually benign.

Poor little gal was so groggy when I picked her up last night. They had just finished the procedure about an hour or so before. She came to me with her ears pinned back to her head and only stopped for a moment to get a scratch before heading straight for the door. She was so groggy and out of it in the car ride home that she passed out on her face. When I turned around and saw her laying down I freaked out. She never lays down in the car. She always watches out the window the entire time. So I reached back to see if she was still breathing. Yes, I actually thought she might have died. I'm such a freak.

By the time we made it home she was so out of it that I had to carry her into the house. I laid her down in her bed and she stayed there for the next three hours hardly moving. Some time around 9 she finally pulled herself from her bed and laid down on the living room rug. Then about an hour later she finally made her way over to the couch and up to sit by me.

This morning she was still a bit tentative but seems to be recovering well. She was fine on our walk even if much more calm than her usual self.

Glad to have her back at home and its great to know what is going on with her. Even if I now have a whole new set of things to worry needlessly about.

Nothing titular comes to mind

2009-02-02T13:49:00.001-08:00

Tally is at the vet all day again. Dropped her off at 8 this morning. She finished the antibiotics on Friday morning and then Saturday morning she was bleeding again. I called the vet and the next step is to sedate her and send a scope up her nether regions. So there she is and here I am trying to concentrate on my job but failing miserably.

All I'm doing is thinking about. Thinking about the possible scenarios. Of course none of them good in my fatalistic mind. I'm so distracted. Unable to form coherent thought. Cannot possibly analyze the current state of the task lists and prioritize or forecast.

Had an awful intestinal bout last night. Still suffering today. Probably shouldn't have just eaten that caramel apple with peanuts but damn did it taste good and I really needed something.

Just want to leave and walk Tally in the sunshine. That's all my brain and intestines can handle today. It's only 2. I wonder when they'll call me to let me know what's going on. I don't like waiting. Not knowing. Worrying. I'm tired. Should have had some caffeine today I suppose.

I have this spot on the side of the pointer finger on my right hand. It's really dry and rough and almost like a callous. Seems like it should be from where a writing implement rubs or something but that's not where I hold a pen/pencil/marker/crayon.

The backs of my knees, my kneepit I guess, gets itchy a lot. Did you know that it's nearly impossible to see my kneepits? I just can't seem to see them no matter how I stretch or flex.

Saturday night I got a parking ticket. I've never gotten a parking ticket, well except for that time in high school when I was actually 'parking' in the minivan and the cops flashlight only flashed the front seats. $44 for parking in a Zone Parking Only area. Grrrrr.

Still tired. Perhaps caffeine is in order. I shall go check out our stock of free pop and such all the while wishing for my cell to ring and have the vet tell me that all is well with my little bear dog.

Feeling harfy & Weekend Recap

2009-01-26T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today my intestines are trying to stage a coop. They are threatening to leave my body entirely by which ever end they can get to first. Not a lovely feeling at all. Trouble is we are already down 5 people today and it's only a 16 person office. So here I stay sipping Mint Tea and praying to make it until 4:30. I think I can. I think I can.

I made it to the grocery store on Sunday. Inspired by P&D's comment. Made it easier to handle and for that I am eternally grateful, Shauna. Even though I was only gone for under 40 minutes Tally made sure to show me her disgust at my leaving her behind by attacking the Kleenex box from my bedroom. She just loves to tear up those little pop-up tissues. She must have a runny nose or something.

Saturday evening/night I actually got out of the house and ran errands and had Thai food with friends. It was really great! Should try to remember that I do like being social. 2009: Not the year of the Ox, the year of being social! Go forth and socialize. I guess I'll go waste time on Facebook now. That's social, right?

I hate the grocery store

2009-01-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

I don't like going grocery shopping. I put it off all of the time. I'm at the point right now where my fridge consists of condiments, a couple of tortillas, and a nearly empty bag of shredded cheese. That's worse than many bachelors I know.

Food is my enemy. I don't like to cook just for myself. I don't like to spend time at the grocery store just to by food for myself. I do not like it at all.

I had thought about starting to use Amazon Fresh. They deliver to my neighborhood. It would save me the dreaded trip to the store. But then the layoffs happened at work and I got scared. Scared of spending a bit of additional money on food when I should be scrimping every single cent I possibly can because my god have you noticed the economy is in the crapper and people are losing their jobs all around you?

But I still hate the grocery store and wish I could make food magically appear in my house through little to no work on my part. Certainly that could happen with Amazon Fresh or ordering pizza or Chinese every night. That's not logical and neither is my detest of the grocery store but that doesn't mean I'm not sitting here right now dreading the fact that I need to go to that evil place tonight. Evil hated awful place.

She's back. And Our President is Barack!

2009-01-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

Tally was back to her usual energetic self all afternoon and I loved every single second of it. While she was at the Vet yesterday, I stopped in a pet store and bought her an "Industrial Strength" tennis ball. Today she played the heck out of it. She loves to toss it up in the air and then lunge after it slipping and sliding across the hardwoods. And a few times she decided that I simply had to play with her as well. I've also been able to leave her e-collar (cone) off for the entire day which is a huge bonus as well.

She and I spent the early morning @ Ed's watching all of the inaugural fanfare with Melanie. What a glorious moment in our history. I'm thrilled and excited for what is to come.

Tonight I'm going to sit, pet my dog and wish I wasn't going back to work tomorrow.

Tally update

2009-01-19T19:47:00.000-08:00

This morning Tally was very off. She'd spent most of the day Sunday sleeping and didn't even ask to go out for a walk. Then this morning she didn't do her usual waking me up routine. She didn't push open my door right after the alarm went off. Then I went out to feed her and she hardly wanted to eat. And let me tell you that is NOT like her at all. Usually she can hardly contain herself wanting to eat so badly. She did get her breakfast down but her reaction freaked the living crap out of me. So I jumped in the shower to get her to the vet as quickly as I could.

She was already scheduled to spend the day there getting some more tests done. So I dropped her off and cried as I drove away. I hate leaving her there even though I know that each and every person there just loves her to pieces.

Called Heather crying asking if I could spend the day with her and the kids. That was the best possible thing I could have done to keep my mind off where Tally was and what might be wrong. The kids as usual were fantastic and Heather was of course a perfect friend.

Around 4 I couldn't stand it anymore and called the Vet. They said that she was doing fine and that the Dr would give me a call as soon as she could. About an hour later she called and said that Tally was fine, that the swab from Saturday revealed she definitely has an infection of some sort and took some urine in order to determine what kind. She got a shot of an antibiotic and some pills that she'll start on tomorrow.

Right now she's cuddled up next to me on the couch and sleeping soundly. I couldn't be happier to have her home with me. She's still a bit off but I'll keep hoping all is well and do everything in my power to keep her happy and healthy. She's got my heart and I think I've got hers. We're a matched set us two. Stay around for a lot more years, OK little miss Tally bear? Hugs.

What is new-ish

2009-01-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

Things have been tough at work. 6 people laid off on Thursday. Much more work landing on my desk. Makes me nervous that I won't be able to keep up but I still have a job. Thank goodness for that.

Tally has a vet appointment tomorrow. She'll need to stay all day. They are going to put her under to do several tests. I'm very nervous about it. I hate leaving her there. I hate the thought that something is wrong and we don't yet know what. More symptoms and fewer answers. Stressful for me. Hopefully not so for her in the long run. First time I've had to have her anesthetized and that alone makes me nervous. I'm going to say a million pleases between now and when I pick her up at the end of the day tomorrow. Please let her be OK. Please let this be easy to cure and solve. Please. Do you hear me? Please.

Taking tomorrow and Tuesday off of work. Was hoping to get somethings done around the house. So far I've not accomplished anything, well except finally posting here again. Hoping to get a bit of painting and organizing done but seems unlikely the more time that passes.

Been reading a lot. Always on the bus and before bed. Love reading on the bus. Makes the commute pass so easily and quickly. Except for during the Christmas snow craziness. That was a bus nightmare. Part of the reason I've taken Monday off. My usual bus isn't running and I just cannot stand the thought of having to take another. What a snob I am. But there it is. And I wanted to take Tuesday off in order to watch the inauguration. I've never seen one but this one seems too important not to.

Back to the books. There's been "The Amazing Adventure of Kavalier and Clay" which I had tried to get into a few times before but was never able to. Made it through quickly this time. A really great book. Then there was "Outlander" which I'd also tried to read several times previously. Made it through this time and enjoyed it. Not enough to read any of the following books but a good read nonetheless. A few weeks ago I went to Half Price books and bought several new ones. Right now I'm reading "The Alphabet Sisters". I enjoy the author and have read two of her others. There are four more books next to my bed as well. Lots of reading for me.

Not sure what I want to accomplish today. Nothing or lot of things... Nothing is so much easier but lots of things to do. Have to see how it goes. Go with the flow or something like that.

The dates of 08 (and end of 07)

2008-11-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

For the past week or so I've been chronicling the dates I've been on over the past year or so in my head. It's quite a long list and I thought that it would be better to put it into written form here rather than waste all of that precious brain space.

So here goes:
December 20th, 2007
Date 1 & 2 - Guy from Speed Dating Event #1. Date One was at the Seattle Art Museum. He was a half an hour or so late. Date Two was dinner at Mama's Mexican Kitchen and then walk around Belltown. Ending up Speed Dating him at the next event even though I had gone through all of the trouble of saying no thank you already. Ugh.

Date 3 - Another guy from Speed Dating Event #1. Tried to go bowling but it was league night. Went to drinks/apps in Ballard instead. Never heard from him again.

Date 4 - Guy from match.com. I just went through my old sent emails to find him. Would never have remembered. Met @ Peet's in Fremont. Barely any recollection of him at all. Yikes.

Date 5 - Guy from Speed Dating Even #2. Met him for dinner @ The Garage. He then emailed and said that he wasn't up for dating right now.

Date 6 & 7 - Another guy from Speed Dating Event #2. Met for coffee on first date and went to the Frye Art Museum for second date. Then I totally flaked and cancelled on him for our scheduled third date because I just could not bring myself to go. We were supposed to go see a band a the Showbox.

Date 8 - Friend of Mel's friend (I think). Walked around Green Lake on a dreadfully rainy day. I had just gotten Tally and was very preoccupied with her on the walk. I emailed him and he said that he'd like to be friends but there wasn't a spark. I said I have enough friends.

Date 9 - Guy from match.com. Met at Duke's @ Green Lake. He was a half an hour late. He was a teacher I think. He was really interested in telling me how smart he was. I never contacted him again.

Date 10 & 11 - Went geocaching twice with a friend who wanted to see if we could be more.

Date 12 - Heather's standmate from Orchestra. We met in Kirkland for tea and a walk along the water front. I emailed him and he replied with a LONG email and said there wasn't a spark. I didn't email him back.

Date 13 & 14 - Teacher from Mel's school. First date was dinner @ a tiny little Italian place and then a walk around Ravenna Park. Second date was high school soccer game and a Thai restaurant by his apartment. Third date was scheduled but then it just felt like we had no reason to go out again. Told him so and he agreed.

Date 15 - A guy from match.com. We met for drinks at the 74th Street Ale House. He is not what I was expecting. He emailed a few times. Last time was just today telling me that I should have at least responded to his emails. Just couldn't think of what to say to him so I didn't email anything. Oh well.

So there you have it. 15 dates in 11 months. Seemed like a lot but now that I put it out there in written form it doesn't. Strange.

She's brilliant!

2008-11-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

After reading my last post Amy sent me an email with a brilliant idea. She said that when she feels similarly she makes a list of the things that she can feel grateful for in her life. So in honor of her brilliance I am going to give it a try.

I am grateful:

For my friends, like Amy, who really truly care for and about me.
Tally, who always has a wagging tail to greet my arrival.
For my new car and its seat warmers.
That I have money in the bank and a zero balance on my credit card.
That I am listening to my iPod right now.
That we will have a Democrat in the White House again.
That because of facebook I've gotten back in touch with a few people that I have really missed having in my life.
For the raisins I'm currently snacking on.
For Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm.
That I can read on the bus.
For my morning cup of Chai.
That I live in Seattle.

I started writing this nearly an hour ago and can't think of anything else right now. Perhaps I'll have some inspriation later and can add on to it then. Thanks again Amy!

Release

2008-11-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

My frustration is boiling over. People need me to tell them when things are going to be done. I have no way at all of being able to give them that information. People want help with their questions about how/what/why that I have no possible way of answering. I'm a PM with no way to M.

I'm not in charge of anyone and yet I'm in charge of the work they are supposed to do. I'm supposed to have the answers but I can't even make them perform the tasks, they do not work for me. Boss is out today. One of the tech's went to part-time. Another is on long term leave. Another is home fighting a fever. I have two people to "manage" but they don't report to me. I can't tell them what to do or how to spend their time.

The salesreps want to know when and all I can say is I have no idea. I have no idea when the item the customer wants will be completed. I have no tools to use. I have no people to throw at your issues.

I usually don't feel this powerless at work. This job has been a good thing for me for the most part. Yes, I did cry at work last week but that was because of those other pesky things. Those other things I deal with or don't deal with outside of here. Today I feel pointless. I feel as though I could leave and no one would even pay any mind. Tally would most certainly notice if I were home today but nope, I'm here feeling like I have no reason to be.

Today I'm feeling large and frumpy as well. Such a lovely combination; large, frumpy, pointless and powerless. Makes you want to be me, right? Really who wouldn't.

I've been focused on the bad and the sad again lately. Halloween weekend was awful and I've been fighting against it ever since. There was that evening Tuesday November 4th that was pretty damn fantastic but unfortunately that feeling has proved fleeting. I'm feeling my eyes close over again. I'm not seeing the life and things around me again. But then again I'm sitting here writing about it. So maybe that is progress. But it really feels like I should just be sending out invitations to Emily's Pity Party. Not a party I want to attend but I can't figure out a way to leave.

Going off the pill has succeeded in making me feel more hormonal in a more active way. I want some contact in a way I've never really felt before. And with nothing looming on the horizon in that department, let's just say frustration is quickly taking over.

I spent a billion dollars at the grocery store yesterday in the hopes that I would be able to start eating better again. Perhaps that will help. I keep thinking about exercising and that's where that stops. The couch wins against that thought each time.

Can I make anything different just by wanting it to be different? Does fake it till you make it really work? What power do I have? What can I change? It's times like this where it feels like I have no control at all. I'm not the one who says what will and what will not happen. I'm not in charge.

Less and More

2008-10-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

After a lengthy personal discussion I've decided to stop taking one of my medications. Since I still have allergies I'm still taking that pill. Since I still seem to need my happy pills I'm still taking that pill. But it's that little pill mostly referred to as "The Pill" that I decided to remove from my daily repertoire.

For the past several (many) months I've been feeling like the pill was letting me down. I've been on the same version for about 3 years perhaps longer. I was going to talk to my Dr about switching to another type and then on Carol's suggestion thought maybe I should try going off it entirely. Since it's main duty does not need to be fulfilled at this point in time it seemed like a good idea to try.

I'm on day three of no pill. So far I don't think I've noticed any change. Not sure when I should.

And on the more category, I've joined facebook. Such a crazy place! I joined on Thursday of last week and already have 75 friends. No idea if this is a lot but it sure seems like it. Many, in fact most of them are people I knew in high school. Some people I've known since Elementary school. It's a bit surreal to see what all of these people are doing now and get updates on them. Perhaps it will calm down a bit after a few more weeks and I'll settle in to it. But for now I'm finding it an odd odd place.

Attitude equals the crapper etc. etc. etc.

2008-09-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

My attitude is in the old horrid today. Perhaps it started last night or maybe it attached itself this morning. I am not knowing where, when or why. What I'd really like to know is how to make it improve? What method can I use to drag it from its lowly position and back to something I recognize as a workable version of me?

Eating tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich for lunch while reading "The life of Pi" didn't help. A shot of vanilla bean ice cream with caramel sauce from Tully's didn't help. Well perhaps it helped a little because when does ice cream not help at all? Never that's when.

Now I've plugged my ears with my iPod and I'm hoping that music will help to calm my currently savage soul.
_________________________________________________

Tally ran away from me last night. OK she didn't so much run away from me as run off like a shot after some squirrels and a cat that were across the street. Because I'm thick skulled and don't learn, I had let her out so we could walk across the patio to give Molly the mail we had collected while she was gone. All of 20 feet without her collar and leash on. It's not a good idea. When will I learn that? Perhaps last night was the last time I'll do it. I seriously hope so. I had to quickly hand Molly the stuff I had in my hands, corral Tally in a corner, pick her up and carry her 30 pound self home. Oh and to top it off there was a lovely elderly lady across the street who took this precise moment to tell me "You know there's a leash law! Don't get me wrong I like dogs, I just don't want them shitting in my lawn." To which I said "This was not on purpose. I do not want her off leash at your house. And I assure you that she does not shit on your lawn." Ugh.

To make matters worse I then dropped Tally back in the house and like a child I slammed the front door behind me. Or so I thought. My stupid front door doesn't actually close correctly so all it did was swing back open and out Tally came after me. I was nearly beside myself at this point so I took her down onto her side and held her there until we had both calmed down. Cesar Millan would not have been impressed with me at that moment. I was not calm assertive in any way shape or form. Well, I wasn't hysterical or anything but I was definitely worked up as the door slamming is evidence of.

Tally is such a great dog in so many ways. She's so very loving and gentle. I adore her. I just wish that I wouldn't forget she's still a dog. Squirrel and cats are just too much for her to ignore. She has to have them (Oh and geese too but those are much less likely to cross our paths). She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. Got that? You'd better because one of these times there might be a car crossing that street at the same time she does and you'll be picking up the pieces.
_________________________________________________

I can't get myself to work on the dating side of my life. I can't bring myself to write back to the guy who emailed me from match or the two who winked at me. I can't do it. How do I do it?

Here's more of me

2008-09-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

I spent nearly two full days of this week home sick. Sick with what? I cannot even quantify it for you. It was an illness of unknown origin that started on Sunday afternoon when my shingle (the rash spot on my neck) started to itch. Monday I felt all a jittery and a buzz (see previous post) and then on Tuesday I felt like the floor of a city bus. I lasted all of two hours at work and then made my way slowly home via the bus.

When I finally got home Tally was quite excited to see me. However, she was not happy with me that I went straight to bed for the next four hours. Every hour or so she would come in and perform her little protest of my prostrate position. When I told her in a firm voice "No" she would turn around and walk away but always to return. Finally, her adorableness was too much and I decided to get up and join her in the living room. On Wednesday I realized that I was in no position to go into work and didn't even try. I did make it to the living room and tried to nap in there on the couch. Again Tally performed her protest of my sleeping position this time by nudging my head with her nose and even one time licking the inside of my ear. It was the inside of the ear lick that got me this time not her cute little mug.

Yesterday I made it to work the entire day and only started to feel the pain near the very end, which makes me quite happy. Today I'm feeling nearly 100% (or as close to it as I generally come) which is great. Just in time for a fun filled weekend!

Tomorrow I get to watch the little J-man while Jess and Josh are both at work. I cannot wait! I haven't seen him in WAY too long and it will be a great way to spend my Saturday afternoon. Saturday night my mom is going to stay with me and we are going to grab dinner where Matt works. Mom hasn't been there yet and she wants to check out the new swanky digs her son is working at. Not sure what I'll do Sunday yet but the weather is supposed to be great so I'm hoping to spend it outside.

Later skaters! Have a great weekend!!!

My own internal buzz

2008-09-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

Shall I just pick up where I left off? I would but I'm not entirely sure where I left off here. I've been gone for a while and so rather than try to figure it out I'll just start spilling some things and see what sticks.

On Labor Day weekend I bought a whole big lot of fun stuff. Started with a Roomba on Saturday. Oh Roomba how I love thee and your dirt sucking nature. Then there was the Wii on Sunday. Oh Wii and Lego Star Wars how I adore thee and your time sucking nature. And then there was the Volkswagen Tiguan on Monday. Oh Tiguan how I worship thee and your... well... nothing sucks about you oh Tiguan of my dreams.

Since then the majority of September has slipped by and I have hardly noticed its passing (blame it on the Wii). How did it get to be the first day of fall 2008? I mean wasn't Y2K just yesterday?

I did get a few things done around the house. Nothing earth shattering like taking down walls, that would be so fall 2007. This time it was those tiny little things that sit undone and mock you in their undone-ness every time you pass them. Edging the front planting beds with the leftover patio pavers being one. And the partial weeding of the "backyard" being another.

Nothing new on the foot or should I say toe front. I'm thinking of getting a second opinion but am going to wait until after I start on the insurance plan at new workplace which is October 1st. My shingle outbreak started to itch yesterday for no reason at all that I can determine when it hasn't bothered me in quite a while. Today I feel as though I forgot to take my meds but I'm nearly certain I did. The "forgot my meds" feeling is one of a nearly panic attack like jittery going to bust out of my skin at any moment type of thing. Perhaps this is why I'm actually taking the time to write. That and Amy said I should. (Hi Amy!)

At this very moment Tally could be at home filling it with poo. She has never gone two walks in a row without a numero 2 except last night and then this morning. It makes me nervous. Perhaps my attempt at getting her poo to a better consistency..... Wait am I oversharing about my dogs poo? Feel free to skip this paragraph if you'd rather not have all of these details. See she has this issue with her anal glands filling up and then needing to be squeezed or un-filled. You know that they need to be attended to because she starts dragging her little behind on everything and anything. Molly's legs not included, she just licks those. Anyway I digress. I've had to bring her in twice so far for anal gland attention and in order to try to alleviate that I was told to add some fiber to her diet. Benefiber was my fiber additive of choice. So far she loves it when I add the Benefiber and licks her bowl clean afterwards but there had been no change in her habits and output. And then last night and this morning there was no output. Nervous. It makes me nervous.

Enough of that what else?? Oh I should be focusing on dating. Should be but am having a very tough time actually putting it into practice. The thought of dating makes me more nervous than Tally's bowels. I wish I wasn't single. I'd rather not be single. But the thought of doing anything at all about that situation brings me to tears (Right, Girls?). So is that why I feel like I forgot my meds today? It's just a physical reaction to my mental struggle with the world of dating? If you have an answer for that I will pay you much hard earned cash monies.

So I believe you may have had quite enough from this insane person today so I shall sign off for now. Hopefully I shall return sooner rather than later.

Ugh, I am falling apart

2008-08-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

I now have a diagnosis of my foot pain. I saw a podiatrist this morning and I have developed (am developing) osteoarthritis in my big toe(s). It is more pronounced in my right foot but also a bit in my left as well. I'm a bit on the bummed side about this because well it's a bummer. I have a bone scan scheduled for Friday to get some more information about my feet and a follow up appointment with the podiatrist for Monday to go over the scan results. So anyway at least there's a bit of information about that. More as I know it.

And here's the other reason I'm falling apart. I was diagnosed on Monday with Shingles and not the ones you put on the roof of your house. Anyone who's had chicken pox can get shingles because they are caused by the same virus but still. You know it's not your week when one day you find out you have one disease and then to discover a day later that you have another.

So there's that. I'll say it again, Ugh.

Shop like a shopper

2008-08-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

The high temperatures this week have been progressively climbing up the thermometer. Today's high is said to be near 90 and tomorrow as well.

So when getting ready for work today I wanted to wear an outfit that would be acceptable for the air-conditioned office and the non-air conditioned bus ride home. I decided on these really comfy chocolate brown capri's I bought last year at Lucy. But alas and alack I do not own the proper foot ware to accompany said comfy chocolate brown capri's. I made do with another pair of shoes but spent my morning in an unhappy foot ware state of mind. Then came lunch. On a whim, I walked the two blocks to the bus stop that would take me to where the shopping lives. It's only about 8 blocks and I've walked it before but today I was on a mission and didn't have the time to waste.

I hopped on the #3 bus and got off outside the downtown Macy's. Quick round through their shoe department turned up no good options. So back outside to head over to Nordstrom. A fly by of their shoe department yielded the perfect adorable chocolate brown Reef's. And yes I know that given my current foot pain I should not be wearing flip flops. 90 degrees people! Feet cannot be forced into shoes when it is 90 degrees outside. It just cannot be done.

Flip flops purchased, two blocks back to the bus, 8 blocks on the bus back to work. There and back with shoes purchased in a half an hour. Awesome. I even had a bit of money on a Nordstrom gift card that needed using. So all in all I'd say I made out like a thief.

Now here I sit in a Friday lull at work. People are on vacation, people are leaving early, and I am posting on this here blog. Hopefully Tally is enjoying her day and the house hasn't become a sweltering oven of 90 degree heat. Hope everyone has fantastic weekend plans ahead of them. Mine still involve dealing with the den. Perhaps some day I will have wonderful AFTER pictures to show you. I certainly hope so.

Where do I go?

2008-08-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

I keep feeling as though parts of me disappear. I stop posting here and at the same time seem to stop paying attention to other areas of my life. It happens with regularity that I have yet to be able to pin point. Is it based on the phases of the moon? Or perhaps the phases of my cycle? Perhaps I should take a look back at my posts here. I'm positive that I've talked about this plenty of times before.

The song that shouldn't come up on shuffle on your iPod at this precise moment is Rhett Miller's "Come Around" with the refrain of "Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?" This is the thought that seems to pervade these times more than any other. It's the one that paralyzes me into inaction. I can't break out of the fear. The "lonely for the rest of my life" thought is too scary to face, so I face nothing. I hide from most everything. The dirty dishes start to pile up next to the sink. The clean dishes still fill the dishwasher. The den project cannot be tackled. I'm not moving forward or anywhere at all.

I invent reasons why I can't use my computer at home to work on my match.com situation. The room is too messy. The desk is too messy. I really should clean the kitchen first. Tally should really have a bath before I start that huge project.

The den has become a symbol for my dating life. Don't pay any attention to that place in that corner. Avoid it at all costs. Keep looking another direction, any other direction but not that one. Makes me wonder if the northwest corner of the house is the relationship corner in fung shui land. Do you know?

So what do I do? Carol says that I'm ready. To date that is. She thinks I'm ready to take it on. That I need to take it on. Well, I know that I need to but I just can't. I can't face it. It's too much. I'm mired down in an uncomfortable, spiky, painful place.

PMS is that you talking? If so, please go away soon.

Feet and other feelings

2008-07-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

Today at lunch I walked the two blocks to the nearest drug store in search of the heel cup shoe inserts the Dr told me to get. No where on the wall of shoe inserts was a heel cup shoe insert that wasn't made of a ultra thick layer of super squishy silicone. Not quite what I wanted and I don't think it is what my Dr described to me either. So I decided, after much hemming and hawing, to purchase the Dr Scholl's tri-comfort orthotics. The package says they are "clinically proven pain relief for Heel, Arch, Ball-of-Foot, and Lower Back." So far I'm not sold. Or should I say soled. Ha Ha Ha. Next up on Project Footpain, the find yourself a podiatrist challenge.

And in the other feelings category I had a very strong reaction this morning to this post over at Pioneer Woman. For a very long couple of moments I felt an intense longing to have a baby. Now this is not necessarily a "new" thing for me. I've always known that I'd like to have kids but this was different. More intense and much more of a physical response then I have ever experienced before. Is this what people say when they hear their biological clock? It probably doesn't help that someone I've known since 5th grade also had her first baby this week.

So I have babies on the brain and no outlet for it. Perhaps I should try to find a date or ten so that it feels like I'm making head way in the whole life-partner portion of the have a baby dream. Now where did I put that match.com UserID and Password information?

The saga of the feet

2008-07-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

So here's the much requested answer to what the Dr thinks is wrong with my foot... He doesn't know for sure. He wasn't completely without ideas. He instructed me to only wear my running shoes, not to walk around barefoot except in the shower and ice my foot every night. Then if in 5 days or so it's not getting better then I'm to go back and get an x-ray. So far it is not feeling better even after being really lazy and mostly off my feet this weekend. Which makes me think that I'm on my way to that x-ray. I also think I should try to find myself a podiatrist because I think that my feet hurt more often then they should. More often then most people's feet do. How often would you say your feet bother you?

Lightening poll.
Please comment and let me know in the course of a given week how often your feet bother you. I'd really like to know if I'm an oddity or more of a norm. Thank you!!

My day began this way

2008-07-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

This morning I missed my bus. It's the second time I've done that since I started taking the bus to my new job. The first time it was really my fault because I pushed leaving the house too far just to see how far I could push it. This time it was only partially my fault. I left the house on time but my stupid foot kept me from walking quickly enough to get there on time. So I sat on the bench and waited for 20 minutes until the next bus.

The weather was practically perfect this morning and inspired me to try out the camera on the crackberry new workplace gave me. This was my view while I waited for the next bus.

Then there was the issue with my cup from Starbucks. There were two or three tiny holes in my cup that only started to leak as I rode the escalator up. So I had to walk all the way around to the down escalator to get a new cup. The barista even double cupped the new one but both of those cups also had holes in them which, since I'm apparently slow, I didn't actually notice until it started to leak all over my keyboard and desk.

Here's hoping that these are the only two set backs of my day. How's your Friday going so far?

Oh and about my stupid foot, I've got a Dr's appointment this afternoon. So there's that.

Brain lacking, thought difficult

2008-07-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

I realized about an hour ago that I didn't have any caffeine this morning and that's why I have no brain cells currently in firing position. I'm blaming it on that because the other option is that I shouldn't eat Thai food for lunch and well, that is just not possible. So caffeine deficiency it is. So this afternoon I have been a blob of unproduction. Is unproduction a word? Spellcheck says no. Oh well.

Sundry's post today was exactly what I think all of the time. Those blog posts that I write in my head while walking Tally or eating dinner or riding the bus are always so eloquent and thought provoking. The pictures I would take if only I had my camera with me are always wonderful snippets of my life. But do you see any of those things here? Big old nope.

Of late all I have bored you (and myself) with are the ins and outs of the J-O-B. Well if that isn't enough to put you straight to sleep I don't know what is. Oh new idea. Write the most inane blog posts ever and market this space as a sleep aid. There might be money in that. You never know.

So for now I shall blame the caffeine or lack there of. And tomorrow perhaps I shall blame my new haircut. Always place blame squarely somewhere else. That's my motto.

Happy Tuesday!

When it doubt blog it out.

2008-07-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm having an odd morning. Nothing much is happening. I don't really have anything to really work on at the moment. There will be tasks assigned to me soon but those who might assign them are all in a meeting. The people shear number of people in said meeting lead me to believe that I should probably be in there too but since I was not invited here I sit. And since I did not want to sit and be entirely unproductive I thought I'd blog. But the truth is I don't have all that much to say. Perhaps I shall just ramble until work needs me. See how long that takes.

Let's start with a weekend recap shall we? Spent Friday night doing something which as of right this moment I cannot exactly recall. Must have been riveting good fun huh? Saturday I do definitely remember. The morning started out with an early wake up by little Miss bear dog. She's been a bit unsettled as of late. Not sure why exactly. Perhaps she needs more exercise. Perhaps she needs more mental stimulation? Perhaps she needs some of her mommies meds. I do not know. We had a rather nice morning walk through the community college and then back home for breakfast. Arrived back home to a voicemail from Amy with an invitation to go out to breakfast. I love me some restaurant breakfast so I quickly called her back and said hell yes I'm coming. Had a lovely breakfast of Buckwheat Pancakes and some/most of Amy's potatoes at Portage Bay Cafe. Then a plan was hatched that involved Denise and furniture shopping (Amy's most favorite activity ever!). We travelled over to West Seattle in search of the particular furniture store and found out it was Summer Fest in West Seattle. A large part of California Ave was blocked off and filled with a variety of odd booths and way too many bouncy houses for kids. We gladly strolled the booths and a couple of stores and spent time accosting the furniture store. Then we all felt that a beer or Margarita was definitely in order so we headed toward Alki none of us actually knowing what we would end up finding. We parked immediately and walked quite a while along the water only to find condo and house after condo and house with no eating establishments that didn't reek from a million miles away to be found. We turned around and tried to hatched another plan which then involved the deck at Pyramid Brewery. Denise and I gobbled up a bit of dinner and Denise and Amy got their sought after beers. My spicy black bean burger was so very good. Then we called it a day and I trotted back home to rescue the little Tally girl from her leg crossed pee pee dance. Another nice evening walk and back home for some couch time.

Sunday was much less full than Saturday. The night was even more sleepless than the one before. Tally seemed to be suffering from a bit of insomnia or something and woke me up at odd hours. I slept fitfully when I was asleep with strange dreams and anxious thoughts filling every moment. It took me a long time to really start my day on Sunday and in the end all I was able to accomplish was taking Tally to the pet store to pick up her food and a new collar/leash combo. I am really liking the new leash. It's from Red Dingo. And so is the collar. They have a great range of colors and I was going to get both in Orange but thought better of it and just got Red. Their leash handles are really comfortable. I'm, like I said, really liking it. Since I had/have nearly no food in the house I opted to have someone bring me my dinner and ordered pizza. It was good and I have the leftovers for lunch today. Is it lunch time yet? Once it got to early evening I thought I should finally deal with killing the bees that have made their home in the hole left when I removed the non-working door bell button. I found three dead bees this morning and think that I may have to do more killing this evening. Hopefully all done with no bees biting me. That would be bad.

And that's all the update I can think to post today. Happy Monday to all.

New job = no blogging on work hours; and etc.

2008-07-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

The new job has left me with no time (except right this very moment) to blog during work hours. So that's where I went. Surprise that I actually have to work at new job rather than sit and do nothing like I was able to do at old job.

New job is going well. Only a few days in so it could all change but for now I'm having a good time. Starting to feel my way around and through all of the "processes" that I am supposed to be helping to sort out and streamline. Let me tell you it's going to take a whole lot of brain power on my part to determine the Standard Operation Procedures (SOP) around here. It is convoluted to say the very least. Even those people who have been here a while have no idea of what should happen when and what triggers what. It is a mess. I love sorting out messes.

Now for a non-job update. This weekend was a nice long one for me. Job was closed on Friday the 4th and I took an unpaid day off on Monday the 7th. Four days off did me some good. I had a pretty good 4th. Went to a pot-new where everyone has to bring something new that they've wanted to try making. There was a TON of good food. I had been dying for some sweet potato fries for a while and thought I would try making them myself. It was a shock but they actually turned out really good. Soggy but still oh so tasty. They got very favorable reviews from other party goers and were quickly finished off. I now have two official hits for potlucks: black bean and corn salsa (thanks to Liz for that recipe) and baked sweet potato fries. I'm nearly a gourmet cook.

As a general rule I am not a fan of the 4th of July. It's the normal people setting off fireworks all over the place that gets to me. I feel as though I am one split second away from getting blown to bits and it's almost more than I can handle. So I spent Saturday recovering from my trauma (no there wasn't any REAL trauma but my head thought there was) and nearly slept the day away. Tally was very sleepy as well so we were two bumps most of the day. Very nice. That evening I started to scrub my shower surround in preparation for sealing it. My shower surround is slate as is the floor and I'm nearly certain it was never sealed after its installation and before I bought the place.

So that brings me to Sunday where I actually sealed the slate and nearly died. If it weren't for Amy showing up and waking me from my slumber Tally and I may have succumbed to the fumes. Not really but apparently my house was uber-stinky and I didn't even realize it. Fast forward to Sunday night where I try to fall asleep with a raging headache most likely from all of the nearly dead brain cells trying to regenerate themselves. Ugh.

Monday was paint, patio set and plant buying day. Molly and I agreed very easily on the patio set and the plants. We even got the plants in the ground last night as well. I swear that I will get some pictures soon. Probably once the patio set is put together cause then it will look all pretty and stuff.

Today I am back into the swing of things at work or something like that. I'm also feeling very very very abnormally large. So tonight I am hoping to get up the courage to take Tally roller blading for the first time. Wish me luck.

I have missed you dear blog and I do apologize for my absence. I will pay more attention to you I pinkie swear.

Lasts and Firsts

2008-06-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day at current workplace.

Today is my first day of being 34 years old.

What a big day this is for little old me.

Two pairs, nearly no waiting

2008-06-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time at current job (only two whole days left!) surfing the web and other wise wasting time. Yesterday I decided that I needed to find some new shoes since I didn't find any this weekend. I started perusing Zappos because Britten had had good luck there. In no time I had three pairs in my shopping cart. I wasn't going to order all three but I wanted to be able to compare them all in one place, so in they went.

Then I sent Britten an email asking for her opinion based on the luck we'd experienced this weekend I knew I had to have her opinion. She liked them all. Uh oh. I scanned the three pairs again and removed one from my shopping cart and bought the other two. This was around Noon yesterday.

Last night I got a confirmation email from Zappos that they had shipped and since they loved me so much they were expediting my shipment and I'd get the shipment information shortly. Sure enough this morning I had an email containing the tracking number. Since I really enjoy watching the progress of my purchases (wait is that strange?) I checked it out. By god in heaven they were scheduled to arrive today! Can you even fathom that? Today as in the day after I decided to buy them.

The day went on, as days do, and I thought I'd check on my shoes once again. Delivered. What? DELIVERED! At 10:30 AM Seattle time my new shoes arrived at my house. Not yet 24 hours had passed since I'd hit the buy button and I had shoes. Well technically my front porch has the shoes and since I'm at work I won't get them until just before 5 but STILL!

Zappos if these shoes work I may just profess my undying love for you every day until I have spent every dime in my bank account because you deserve it you speedy delivery nearly instant gratification you. And if they don't work, well I'll just have to blame myself (and maybe Britten) but that will not tarnish you in my eyes Zappos. I will still adore your speed and responsiveness.

Obviously I'm made of money

2008-06-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

It's the only thing that explains the sudden out flow of cash from my life. This weekend was a shopping extravaganza. Saturday 5 hours spent downtown with Britten lots of money spent and lots of great items to show for it. There are the MIRACLE jeans, all of these cute tops (several I cannot find on the website), and two pairs of Eddie Bauer shorts (which I can't link to because their site just doesn't want me to). So that's 1 pair of MIRACLE jeans, 5 tops, and two pairs of shorts. A stunning achievement in clothing purchasing for this gal.

And now a word about the MIRACLE jeans. They are not in fact called MIRACLE jeans but they should be. Britten and I both bought a pair because they looked really great on both of us. I mean REALLY great. These jeans also have the distinction of making every single other piece of clothing you are wearing look perfect on you. Britten and I started trying things on specifically with the jeans on because they really would make everything look better. I advise each and every one of you to go out right now and try on the MICHAEL Michael Kors Greenwich Stretch Jeans. I'm not kidding. Go now. They have them at Macy's. You can thank me later.

Enough about clothing, really all of that purchasing is noteworthy, but I now move on to the financial outlay from Sunday. One word: Target. This trip to Target was a big one. I have not filled a cart there in years! I bought an obscene amount of stuff. I "needed" to get a new set of sheets for the new item I will tell you about in the next paragraph. Oh and that item also "needed" a throw pillow and then these new curtains jumped into my cart too. I can tell you that the den/guest room is going to look adorable. As soon as it does I'll post a picture.

Last weekend is when the financial outlay began in full force. I bought the Troy Twin Sleeper. That purchase is what brought about the Target run. Troy the second is scheduled to arrive on the 28th (happy day after my birthday to me!) just in time for Liz to be the first to christen it's twin sleeperness.

That was my weekend in a nutshell. Stimulating the economy. It was great.

Just because I wanted to share

2008-06-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sitting here at workplace listening to my iPod on shuffle and up popped the Rufus Wainwright song "Beautiful Child". I don't have the right words to describe how much I love this song. The shear amount of music and instrumentation in this piece actually makes my heart beat faster and my skin tingle. I feel like I can accomplish absolutely anything and everything when I hear this song. It's like I've just gotten a shot of adrenaline.

The various lyric sites have a few different versions of the words but here's the one that feels right to me. Enjoy!

"Beautiful Child"

When I am older than these small god damned hills

And there's no reason for my mind to be still

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

When I have finally found my room filled with toys

Be banging on my crib excited by noise

Oh, how I'll feel

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

And when there's nothing to gain

Or bring me pain

Or pin the blame

On you or myself

And when they finally fall

These wailing walls

And burning crosses

God's twilight and all

Oh how I'll feel

Oh how I'll feel like a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

A beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

When I am older than these small god damned hills

The posts they don't write themselves

2008-06-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

When I take breaks from really writing anything in here it generally corresponds with times when I take breaks from many other things. For the past week and a half (or perhaps longer I'm scared to really know) I've been very lazy about taking care of things around the house that need to be done. The kitchen has gotten filled to my version of overflowing, the pile of shoes by the front door is threatening to trip me without provocation, the dirty clothes are busting out of the confines of the bin, the den is one big pile, the bathroom, the living room, the hall closet ugh. All of the rooms of my tiny little house are threatening to overtake me with their mess and dishevelment. And I do feel overtaken. I feel overwhelmed and nearly beyond hope. Nearly.

Last night there was a flash or perhaps flicker of hope. I ran the dishwasher and cleared off much of the counter cluttering crap. The kitchen now is a faint ray of light shining out at me in its mostly visible horizontal surfaces. But will it continue? Please I hope so.

See in general I am a rather tidy person. Well that is to say when I am in my functioning state it is generally a clutter free organized one. Then there are times like this past week where that all stops. I start making do with things as they are. Items don't return to their proper places. Empty Kleenex boxes that should be crushed and recycled still sit in their original place only now with a newly opened box sitting next to it. Bills that would usually be paid immediately sit on the kitchen counter. The recycling bin in the kitchen threatens to topple.

What is it that brings on these episodes? I am not really certain. Perhaps it's just par for the course for a person struggling with depression, most likely. Perhaps it's the change in my hormone levels once a month, possibly. No matter what brings it on I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do not like it at all. Not one tiny bit. But not liking it and doing something about it are two very different things.

During these episodes (I don't like that word but can't think of anything else to call it) I lose the will to make any effort no matter how small. The tasks that often are easy for me when functioning seem well beyond my reach when non-functioning. I've been in therapy and on antidepressants for years. How long has it been now? Six? Or is it nearing Seven? Anyway I'm working on myself, really I am, but still these times return. And each time they do I feel helpless and hapless to kick them out. But then somewhere out of nowhere my drive and my self return. I'll wake up again and begin seeing the things that need to be done and actually start taking care of them.

During these periods it does feel almost as though I am asleep. Last night I nearly woke up, hence the kitchen, but it only lasted for a few hours before retreating again. Luckily I have my therapy appointment in an hour and am desperately hoping it will awaken me a bit more.

I have no pithy way to end this post so I shall just say see you again soon. I hope.

No mail for me. No work for me. What is for me?

2008-06-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

My personal email is not cooperating. There's not much to do at current job. I've already read through all of the new items on by Reader. So what's a gal to do to fill up her time? I'm listening to a "This American Life" podcast on my iPod.

(By the way I know I need to soak up all of this week day free time right now because it will all end abruptly once I start new job.)

The title of the podcast is "Nice Work If You Can Get It". Perhaps new job will be nice work. That's my hope. That's what I want for me. Oh that and working email and unlimited unread items in my Reader.

A little bit of me

Tough morning

Lacking

21, 22 & 23 Books

Let's try it again

Getting off the couch

And then there were 20

Enough with the tears already

Book 19 of 2010

Delay in programming; 18 books and counting

Two forgettable tales

Oh Monica you write so well

Wrinkle re-read; What's my line?

Two more for the bookshelf

And then there was that thing that happened

Pincushion

Attitude crashitude

Don't focus on what you don't want

Seven and Eight

Wanting

Sixer

I really didn't want to

And yet another

Shred - Day 2

Spending and shredding

And then there were four

Another closed cover

The old switcher-oo

Oh and about the meds

And a Two

Back again; 2010 book reading begins

Regrets

Damn you Bill

I'm a bit of a fan

Where'd she go?

What now?

Time marches slowly for those keeping track

The news came before lunch

Am I supposed to work here?

Since I've been gone & Tally's FINAL CHEMO

Off to Texas. Off to say goodbye

Chemo #5 - Checking in

Grrrr

I'm Active

It's time for an update

Those little annoyances

Shaking and fidgety

Chemo #3

I'm a taperer

No sir not today.

Gratuitous Picture/Video Post

I drugged my dog

This week's chemo was a go

Chemo #2 a no go

Lamb Tripe smells like A**!!!

Tally Chemo Treatment #1

And the diagnosis is...

Follow-up to Cancer day

Tomorrow is Cancer Day

Still here

Radiologist says: All's well

A Positive Tally Update!

Random emotional rambling

Well, it's not Lymphoma

Calling all pet surgeons & Happy Adopt-a-versary!

Way to demotivate & Tally update & Suckitudeiness

It's the big C

Tally's all better now but a bit odd looking

Scratch that last post

Patience I do not have

Recap and another Shred

*Audible SIGH*

She's home and mending

Nothing titular comes to mind

Feeling harfy & Weekend Recap

I hate the grocery store

She's back. And Our President is Barack!

Tally update

What is new-ish

The dates of 08 (and end of 07)

Audible SIGH