Lacking

Today I feel as though I am lacking in so many ways. Perhaps it's all hormonal but it is debilitating.

While searching Monster today I saw a listing for "the" real estate company that I would like to work for. It was a link to a test to take that would tell you if you match the "4 Core Capacities" of their top performing agents. Guess who doesn't match, me that's who.

As I read through my results I thought "that's right" and "yeah that's me" to these types of statements:

• Understanding and compassion are central to your life strategy.
• You strive to cause people and things to function well together.
• Seeing potential and opportunity is a primary talent.
• Strategic thinking is your forte.
• You can always see another way to put things together.
• You have wit and creativity in your thinking.
• Understanding others and working with them is a key asset of yours.

You always want the results of these tests to feel accurate. You'd rather it ring true with you than to feel a complete mismatch. Then I got to the section where they described the results for their top agents. It's just not me. Their number 1 is my number 3. Their 4th category is my 2nd.

Even before I found this test today I was feeling out of sorts, and yes hormonal, but overall unsettled. What if this is the wrong path? What should I be doing? What do I really want to do? I'm really feeling so lost right now. So unguided and directionless.

When I got back home from my trip to MN and TX I was feeling fantastic but now the high has faded. I'm feeling scared and confused. I can't keep being unemployed, financially, or realistically. I want to be around people again. I want to be productive again. I want to...something again but what?

Enough with the tears already

I have been an emotional nut job lately. To the ten thousandth degree this is actually an understatement. I weep at TV shows. But have you seen "Th Choir" on BBC America? Tear fest! Or the slot car episode of "James May's Toy Stories" also on BBC America? Weep weep weep. Then there's Tally needing my nearly constant attention causing me to sob as well.

It doesn't help that I'm stuck in the house most all of the time. See when you go out places you spend money and when there is no money coming in that is a bad bad thing. So at home I stay with an adorable, yet ultra needy dog, at my side. With the computer in front of me or a text book on my lap or napping on the couch or watching TV and weeping.

It's nice to have been depressed and come through on the other side if only now it means that you can see these times for what they are, set backs that you can get through. I know that I won't always feel this way but damn does it make it hard to want to keep on going some days.

I've made good head way in the real estate classes but there is definitely a lot more to do. I won't be done by the end of the month and a lot of that is because my mood has gotten in my way. It's kept me away from the online class or the text book when I really should have been there. It's frustrating and the voice in my head that is telling me I'm doing the wrong thing and that I will most certainly fail is sometimes very difficult to shut up.

It also hasn't helped that my dad has had a big professional set back this month and my empathy level is at a peak where he is concerned. Talking to him the other day made my sad state even lower which is never good. Thankfully Molly came over to borrow something and I got to spill my tears all over the place with another human being rather than on my couch alone with Tally and BBC America.

So today is better, must be or I wouldn't be here writing about it. Took Tally on a long walk this morning and then took myself for a roller blade around Green Lake. Let me tell you that made it abundantly clear to me that I am out of shape in a big way. I could only go around once and it was hardly 3 miles! Oh well I've only been one other time so far this summer so I shall give myself a pass on that. At least I went. I was out there. Big yahoo for that.

So right now I have a dog giving me her sad little eyes wanting to go for our evening walk. I even had to feed her dinner early in order to distract her so that I could sit here and write this entry. This won't always be my reality. I will finish my real estate course and I will pass the exam and I will find a job. It's what I want so that's what will happen. Power of positive thinking hard at work here and I'm working at believing it. And enough with the tears already!

And then there was that thing that happened

Friday was certainly a life changer. I got to work, was called into the President's office, told I was being let go because he didn't think I could do the job, walked to my office to pack it up, turn in my bus pass, building id and company phone and right on out of the office.

The best news of the whole interaction was that I didn't cry! A small victory but definitely a victory. Oh I cried later, whole big piles of tears, several times. Many times. But right there and then I didn't. I held it together and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I really and truly did not see the getting fired thing coming. At all. In the just shy of two years that I worked there I never once had a review or a talking to or a notice of anything being wrong at all. It's not as if I was happy there or even wanted to be there, in fact, working there was starting to effect me physically, emotionally and mentally. But still, I was FIRED! Who would ever want that? Not me for sure. I would have much rather have left on my own terms. But here's the thing, oh well. I don't have to go back there. Never ever again!!!!

So I'm on a Spring Break of sorts. An unforeseen break in the action of the every day. Change of path and decisions ahead for me. Overall I feel lighter and already a whole lot better. And yet, I did just get fired. Blech.

Pincushion

Today at work I got a bit of a wild hair and decided to try acupuncture. My back/neck/shoulders have been killing me. And as has been well documented here of late, my mood has been in a dank dark basement below hell. Oh and there's always my period which has been acting the part of an evil manipulative beotch. Yeah, I got me a body that's in crisis.

I googled acupuncture and found places near my office and my house. Checking out a few of their websites I chose one near my house and called to get an appointment. She was able to fit me in tonight!

I went, I was bit nervous, but also a little bit excited. The practitioner took me into her office to have the initial consultation. I'd filled out a couple of forms before hand but we hadn't talked at all about why I there to see her.

The first her taking a look at my right wrist. The very first words out of her mouth were that I really needed to have my uterus looked at. Um OK? Kinda creepy. She kept looking and told me that I must have had asthma problems as a child. Um, yeah, did that thing. And then, and then! Oh then she tells me that I have a really hard time eating greasy food. Seriously? How could someone possibly know that from looking at my wrist?

By this point I'm thinking that she's a miracle and I'll do each and every possible anything she says. Then there were needles which I really do hate, and then there was me pre-buying a billion and ten sessions because oh look a pre-buy discount!

I'm now an acupuncture getting person. I'll let you know how it goes.

Attitude crashitude

My attitude is in the crapper. I hate being at work. I am not happy with my social situation. Rephrase that last one. I am happy when I have social situations to attend but more and more often I have a lot of alone time and I'm just not feeling up to trying to fill it.

I met with my Dr on Friday to discuss my current hormonal situation which has also been craptastic of late. She prescribed a bcp that is supposed to help with both the craptacular periods and my horrible mood. Sounds like a great up side. The down side is my insurance doesn't cover it so it's $70 out of pocket each month. Crap.

Perhaps it was a horrible idea for me to go off of the anti-depressants. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this job. Perhaps I shouldn't have, in a fit of loneliness last night, signed up for an internet dating site when I've been there done that more times then I can even count.

What the in the name of all that's holy is going to make me happy? Why does everything make me want to cry?

Friends whom I love dearly are having babies and I couldn't be more excited for them or more jealous. People ask the dreaded "why aren't you dating anyone" question and a part of me shreds to pieces.

When do you suppose I'll feel like I have a life that's something. A life that makes me want to get out of bed each day and take it on. A life that is enough for everyone to see and there are no more questions of "why aren't you" or "why don't you". I want my life to be enough and more. I do not want to regret my time here.

For now I'd really settle for being able to keep a lid on the tears while at work. Ugh. Makes my face hurt. Makes my entire head hurt. Makes all of this trying to cope crap even harder.

And on that cheery note I shall leave you with this quote from Real Genius just because:
"I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, 'I drank what?'"

Wanting

There are so many things that I want. There are so many areas of my life that I want things.

Home- Redo the bathroom tile. Turn the washing machine around so that it is in the bedroom rather than behind the bathroom door. Build a larger bedroom closet. A Queen bed. A headboard. Bedroom rug. A rug for the den. Paint the house. Paint the den. Repaint the bedroom.

Professional - a management team I respect, a company that has a direction, a career path with growth, to know what I want to be when I grow up, work that will fill me, work I want to go to each morning.

Personal - A relationship with someone I can rely on, who can rely on me, who I can count on, who can count on me, who I can do things with, who I can talk things over with, bounce things off of, plan things with, raise children with, share the chores with, take care of, get taken care of by, laugh with, cry with, walk the dog with, plan things with, make dinner with, cuddle with, watch movies with, play games with, yell with, deal with,

How do you find all of the things you want? How can you make your life more than it is? Where do you even begin when there are so many things you want? Does making a list help you get there? What is the priority when you really want it all, all of it now, all of it this minute? Rolling Stones know that you can't always get what you want but I really wish I could. I really wish for all that I want.

Back again; 2010 book reading begins

Went away again didn't I? Not even sure what I wrote here last. So let's just start again, shall we?

Had a pretty good holiday. Dad came to visit for Thanksgiving. We painted my bedroom ceiling and walls. Took a while for me to get used to the wall color. It's an apple green. Still trying to find a duvet cover that works with the wall color and the new drapes I chose. The drapes are a dark gray. Also need to get myself an actual dresser. Haven't found anything that I like quite yet. Christmas was good too. I was a PMS crazed lunatic right before New Year's so I was asleep by 10:30. Oh well to that one.

Tally's doing really well. Still a sweetie and staying healthy. Yeah!

On January 3rd I hit Half Price Books and walked away with 9 books for less than $40. Made me so stupidly happy to have that many books waiting to be read next to my bed. Just finished the first one of the pile on the bus ride home tonight. It was The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King. It is the first of a series and I'm looking forward to reading the next ones. The story involves a young woman and her friendship and partnership with Sherlock Holmes. Really well done and worth reading. I'm glad that Peter suggested it. And that I finally found it at HPB.

Not sure which book I'll start next. I'll have to see what interests me on the pile before bed tonight. I shall try to keep up and not stay away so long again.

Regrets

A post on a friends blog got me thinking about things that I regret. There are a lot of things as I'm sure there are for everyone but there are three in particular that are really nagging at me lately.

The first one happened a long time ago, perhaps 4 grade. W and I were at my house playing. We were standing in front of our pantry trying to decide what to have as a snack. She wasn't making a decision. For some reason it made me mad. I have no recollection why but I said to her that if she didn't make a decision I would hit her. She didn't and so I did. I hit my friend. I was what about 11 at the time maybe only 10. Even now at 35 it still bothers me. I still wish I could go back to that moment and not hit my friend.

The others are more recent in the past few years. Two friends got married. I could have, no wait I should have gone to their weddings/receptions. It would have meant traveling out of state which at the time would have been a bit of a financial strain but nothing I couldn't have taken care of. In both cases I couldn't make myself go. I've been up and down the past decade or so and that was a down time. I look back now and I cannot believe that I didn't go. I wasn't there when my friends wanted me to be. I wasn't even able to properly face it. I didn't RSVP either way to either event. I didn't even RSVP. I couldn't face telling them. I couldn't face any part of either event in any way.

I feel like each of these events are sticking with me for a reason and I hope to one day be able to get past each of them and make peace with it. But for now I'll just let it be known here; I feel horribly for each of them and would change them all if I could.

The news came before lunch

I was just leaving the office to meet Amy and Peter for lunch when my cell phone rang. It was my dad. I'd sent him an email about and hour earlier and he thought he'd call me.

Grandpa died last night. Dad was the only one with him at the time even though just a few minutes earlier his room was filled with people. My dad got to be with his dad alone at the very perfect moment. They got to experience this final moment, just the two of them, father and eldest son.

My dad seems to be OK. Taking it all in. Processing. I am too. A bit numb now. Nothing more to say.

Off to Texas. Off to say goodbye

Last weekend my grandpa (dad's dad) fell, breaking his elbow and hip. In order to fix the hip they had to completely sedate him, something they didn't want to do. Since then things have not improved at all. He developed pneumonia, began to have trouble swallowing, and wasn't able to speak.

Turns out he had a serious stroke as well.

He has left instructions that he does not want any heroic measures including a feeding tube which would be the next step. Hospice has been called.

Grandpa hasn't been happy ever since grandma died. He just hasn't seen the point of being around with Betty not by his side. He doesn't seem to be fighting to stay around so we are all preparing for him to go.

So I'm heading to Texas to say goodbye to my last grandparent. I don't know how to do it.

Grrrr

I am in a HORRIBLE mood today. Capital H-orrible. It all started on Monday night when doing the EA Active workout my little avatar wasn't recognizing that I'd finished an exercise. That day I also had nagging sinus pain. The workout and some decongestants helped. Then yesterday the sinus pain resumed. The workout kept telling me during my warm up that I was intermittently running too slow even though I wasn't changing my pace. I got pissed off and turned off the game to try to see if there were any suggestions in the manual or on-line about this issue. The web site wouldn't process my registration of the game and just hung there. There's nothing in the manual about a sensitivity issue. So I started the workout again but decreased the intensity level.

It was probably the right thing to do but I would rather have been eating an entire box of cookies or cutting my head off than working out at that point. During one section I got so pissed off at the remote I nearly threw it across the room, but that didn't work because it's attached to my wrist. Grrrrr. So I threw little hissy fits at various points but in the end I finished the routine. By then my head felt worse so I ate dinner, drugged up and read my book.

Oh Tally actually wanted to play a bit last night which is a GREAT sign, but it also made me cranky because that means that she's feeling better just in time to go back for her next chemo.

So I played with Tally a bit, until she tired out and then back to my book. Went to bed early and slept fairly well. Then this morning.

My hair is horrid. My face is breaking out like crazy and I've even been having some back acne. GROSS! I feel huge. I want to SCREAM! And why yes I should be getting my period at any moment why do you ask??!?!?!??!?!?

I'm a hormonally charged - bad hair day having - jeans too tight wearing - basket case today. I'd suggest keeping your distance until the Emily you thought you knew returns. Perhaps tomorrow. But you never know. Best to approach from the side and not engage the monster head on.

You have been warned.

It's time for an update

Tally had Chemo #4 on Friday morning. This one was really easy. I can't believe I just called Chemo easy. But it was a lot less difficult than the first three. I'd say nary a side effect to be seen. WAHOO! She's still being picky about eating her normal food but I've been able to combat that by adding the canned version to her dry. She eats it all up lickey split.

This morning we took our normal walk and weekend Starbucks stop. Tally's usually very compliant when I leave her outside but today she just couldn't stand me leaving her behind. She kept barking and drawing me back out to her. A couple with a pug, wife getting the drinks and husband staying with the dog, offered to watch her while I went in. Tally was still very concerned that I was leaving her even with her new friends keeping her company. We usually get to Starbucks a bit earlier than we did today so there was a lot more activity than normal. I think that's why or at least that's what I'm sticking with. Right now she's passed out tummy side up.

And let's see an Emily update. The med taper is going fairly well. The shaking and jitters seem to have passed. Still having problems thinking of the proper words at times but oh well. My energy level has increased, which is GREAT! I'm able to go an entire weekend without a nap. That in itself is a miracle. I seem to need a lot less sleep overall which again miraculous. I've been tackling tasks around the house and generally able to keep moving. On Tuesday it will have been two weeks on the decreased dose and I'm not sure when I'll stop entirely. Maybe a few more weeks. I'll give it time. Take it slow and easy. For now I'm really happy with how it's going and I'll keep it at that.

Off to get more done around the casa. Perhaps I'll get those under cabinet lights installed. Certainly have to keep going on the den.

Happy weekend to all!

No sir not today.

Tally's neutrophil count was 1100 today, which while higher than her low point of 900 was still lower than the 1500 threshold that the Awesome Cancer Vet determines for a suitable treatment level. So no Chemo today. But she did decide that we are only going to do a total of 6 treatments. So far we've got two down. Four left and they will be every other week from here on out.

Her energy level has been fairly decent this week. She's been picky about her food but I can handle that. When we got back from the Vet she was playful and actually ate her normal food with nothing added. I think she gets a vitamin shot after they take her blood so perhaps that accounts for it. Right now she's laying low. Or at least she was until I typed that sentence. She always knows when is the best time to need attention. It's hard to type with one hand.

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Brother just stopped by to give me this month's car payment. Yeah money! 

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Just took Tally out for a quick potty break. Cold and rainy tonight. Now I'm going to make myself some hot chocolate. It's a spicy hot cocoa. Numm Yummy.

On Monday I went to my Dr. to see if she can figure out what's going on with me. I am tired all of the time and sleep a LOT!! I can get a full 8 hours of sleep wake up for a few hours and then nap for another four hours, up for a few hours and then back to that napping thing. Lots and lots of sleep. She asked me a bunch of questions, obviously, and decided on a bunch of blood tests. Haven't heard back from her yet. One of the things that might be causing it is the anti-depressants and I'm kind of hoping it is them. I'd like to stop taking them, finally. I've been on them for more than 7 years and it just seems like time to be done.  Hopefully it will go well. Makes me a bit nervous, the thought of the side-effects that is. Getting off the meds seems right. Not sure why.

And that is all for today class. See you again soon.

Chemo #2 a no go

Today was scheduled to be Tally's second chemo appointment. They do a CBC beforehand and then decide if they will do the chemo. Today based on her white count they decided not to. In fact she's now on antibiotics for three days. At this moment she's passed out on the couch.

Hoping that she doesn't get sick and that we can get back on schedule next week. I really do not want this to take longer and keep going on and on. It's all really weighing on me. I'm hanging in there but man am I tired. Tired.

I'd love a vacation. I'd really like to stop having anything to worry about. I'd like everything to be calm and easy. And while I'm at it I would like to win the lottery that I don't play. I'd like to drop 10 pounds without trying. I'd like my hair to quit this frizz thing it's doing. I'd like my house to be in exactly perfect condition. And then there's that whole world peace thing.

Tomorrow is Cancer Day

I'm taking the afternoon off from work tomorrow in order to take Tally to an appointment with the Animal Cancer Specialist. I have no idea what the outcome of that appointment will be. It makes me nervous.

It's been 5 weeks since I got the call from the Surgeon that the growth he removed was cancerous. 5 weeks and I'm simply spent from all of the waiting and worrying.

My boss pulled me into his office this morning for the first time since the last round of layoffs to see how I was doing. Moron that I am I started crying. HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT!!! I realized when he was asking me that my stress is not related to work. Don't get me wrong now that we have lost half of the employees here I have a lot more work to do and I'm having to learn a LOT more, but that's not what is stressing me out. Tally's unknown cancer is stressing me to near my breaking point.

She's my little piece of family. She's why I race home every night. She's who I worry about and fret about. She's who I talk to at night. She's my constant companion. I adore her little face. She fills the being single with no kids void that I feel.

So tomorrow I hope we find out what we are dealing with and start dealing with it. I need that. I need to move on from the unknown into a process of healing a known.

I've also probably gained 10 pounds during the past 5 weeks which ugh let's not even get in to how I feel about that.

Here's to knowing and dealing with what's to come.

Random emotional rambling

I'm having a hard time not knowing what exactly is going on with Tally. They still haven't gotten the results of the tests for Carcinoma. Still waiting.

This weekend I laid low. Very low. Slept on and off all day yesterday with her curled up next to me on the couch. My emotions are all over the place. Spent therapy hour on Saturday crying my eyes out. Spent the rest of the weekend hiding on the couch. I'm alternately sad, mad and numb. I actually find myself getting mad at her because I just want it all to be over. I'm mad at her because she hasn't died yet. What the fuck. That makes me sick to even type that. But it's really how I'm feeling. How I'm dealing with this whole thing. Wanting to cherish every single second but wanting it all over and done with so that I can just move the hell on with it. What ever it will be. I can't imagine anything without her but I also can't imagine having to deal with her anymore.

I want to know what to do if she dies at home but I can't bring myself to Google it. I can't have that information because then it will be real. And yet it is real. But I don't know what is real yet. Damn this limbo is going to drive me insane.

Trying to hold myself together and keep her happy. I'm over feeding her because she loves food so much. I just keep giving her more. I keep giving her what ever she wants. My god I love that dog. What am I going to do without her. How am I possibly going to handle this. And then it seems like I can of course handle this because she's just a dog. But she's my dog. I am supposed to keep her safe and I'm failing her and yet I know I didn't make this happen to her.

How do I reconcile all of this disparate feelings? I don't suppose it's possible. I don't have any idea what's possible right now. Not knowing is hurting me every single day.

Way to demotivate & Tally update & Suckitudeiness

Brought up an issue to boss who then proceeded to tell me that in the spectrum of things that he cared about this was at the bottom. Cool, huh? And now I just got called into his office with one of the install techs so that I could be told what someone else is doing wrong and then make her do it correctly. This doing the thing wrong person is the Office Manager. One of the 5 people on the Management Team. Me = not on the management team. My boss = on the management team. But yeah I get to tell Office Mgr that she's doing it wrong. Good thing she and I have a great relationship. I am not enjoying my job today.

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I called the Vet Surgeon place on Monday to see when I'll find out about the additional tests for Tally. Two weeks. TWO WEEKS I have to wait for a final diagnosis. That makes me mad. I also asked if there was anything that I should be doing during those two weeks and was told that the surgeon would get back to me. That was Monday. Today = Wednesday. Call = Nope.

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Oh and I have a headache. And I ate a stupid salad for lunch because I am trying to be 'good' but all I want to do is go home and finish off the pint of mint chocolate chip Gelato in my freezer. Wednesdays can suck it.

Scratch that last post

So I guess my excitement was misplaced. Just got an email from him saying that he doesn't want to see me again.

Dating is the single worst thing that I have ever done in my life. Or perhaps I should say ever tried to do because I am not proving to be capable.

Fuck.

Patience I do not have

I really have no patience. I don't like waiting. For anything. Probably part of the reason I don't like to cook is that you have to wait for the food to be done. Annoying.

My patience is being put to the test right now. Met someone new on Sunday morning that I'm very interested in seeing again. He said he'd call. He hasn't yet. He mentioned that he had a vendor in town on Monday and dinner with them Monday night so it's safe to assume that's why I didn't hear from him last night. The thought of waiting to see if he might call tonight is about to kill me. I truly might keel over dead right now as I type this.

What would you do? Should I wait to see if he calls tonight? Should I jump first and email him? Or what? Help I do not know what to do!

Man am I bad at being single and dating.

Recap and another Shred

Had a nothing much weekend. Could have been social and hid instead. On Sunday I was expecting a call from an elementary school friend but she didn't call. Feeds right into all of my insecurities. Instead I vacuumed out my car, took Tally to the dog park, and did another day of 30 day shred. So in truth Sunday wasn't all bad but it was supposed to be better.

Saturday I took Tally for a long meandering walk more than an hour to Green Lake and back. That felt good. That was all I did that day. Didn't even shower. Naps and way too much DIY TV. I got a call from a friend to go to a movie, let it go to voicemail and couldn't bring myself to call him back.

This morning there was snow on the ground. Snow in Seattle is becoming all too common and I do not like it at all.

I called to get Tally a surgery consult appointment to remove the polyp. An hour long appointment next Tuesday afternoon for $125. That's just the pre-op. God knows what the actual surgery will cost. Oh well she is more than worth it. She woke me up Sunday morning puking again. Wish I could figure out what triggers that.

That is all.