Enough with the tears already

I have been an emotional nut job lately. To the ten thousandth degree this is actually an understatement. I weep at TV shows. But have you seen "Th Choir" on BBC America? Tear fest! Or the slot car episode of "James May's Toy Stories" also on BBC America? Weep weep weep. Then there's Tally needing my nearly constant attention causing me to sob as well.

It doesn't help that I'm stuck in the house most all of the time. See when you go out places you spend money and when there is no money coming in that is a bad bad thing. So at home I stay with an adorable, yet ultra needy dog, at my side. With the computer in front of me or a text book on my lap or napping on the couch or watching TV and weeping.

It's nice to have been depressed and come through on the other side if only now it means that you can see these times for what they are, set backs that you can get through. I know that I won't always feel this way but damn does it make it hard to want to keep on going some days.

I've made good head way in the real estate classes but there is definitely a lot more to do. I won't be done by the end of the month and a lot of that is because my mood has gotten in my way. It's kept me away from the online class or the text book when I really should have been there. It's frustrating and the voice in my head that is telling me I'm doing the wrong thing and that I will most certainly fail is sometimes very difficult to shut up.

It also hasn't helped that my dad has had a big professional set back this month and my empathy level is at a peak where he is concerned. Talking to him the other day made my sad state even lower which is never good. Thankfully Molly came over to borrow something and I got to spill my tears all over the place with another human being rather than on my couch alone with Tally and BBC America.

So today is better, must be or I wouldn't be here writing about it. Took Tally on a long walk this morning and then took myself for a roller blade around Green Lake. Let me tell you that made it abundantly clear to me that I am out of shape in a big way. I could only go around once and it was hardly 3 miles! Oh well I've only been one other time so far this summer so I shall give myself a pass on that. At least I went. I was out there. Big yahoo for that.

So right now I have a dog giving me her sad little eyes wanting to go for our evening walk. I even had to feed her dinner early in order to distract her so that I could sit here and write this entry. This won't always be my reality. I will finish my real estate course and I will pass the exam and I will find a job. It's what I want so that's what will happen. Power of positive thinking hard at work here and I'm working at believing it. And enough with the tears already!

Book 19 of 2010

Finished another book two nights ago, "Emotionally weird" by Kate Atkinson. I'd read her other book and thought it was OK. This one was OK too. No reason to recommend it but not horrible. High praise, huh? It was only $1 in the clearance area at Half Price Books so that makes it worth it.

Started reading book 20 last night, borrowed from Molly. It will be a quick read. Super large font and the narrator is a dog.

Delay in programming; 18 books and counting

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been here. Reading the writing of the other blogs I love. I've been writing posts in my head even but never putting them to "paper". And since right now I should be studying I think I'll get you up to speed instead.

First of all I've definitely been reading. There was "Size 14 isn't fat either" by Meg Cabot which is #2 of 3 in the Heather Wells series. I'd already read #3 previously not realizing I was doing it out of order, YIKES! Hate that. So after reading this one I read the third again, "Big Boned". They are all good easy reads. I hadn't realized until picking up this book how prolific Meg Cabot is. Have I been under a rock? And then there was "Grave Goods" by Ariana Franklin. I really love her style. I pay full price for her books when ever I find them and I'm not generally a fan of historical fiction. Then there was "Sammy's House" by Kristin Gore. I'd read "Sammy's Hill" a while back and when I saw this one I had to have it. Again Sammy was a wonderfully flawed character that I kept rooting for. And only in reading this book did I realize that Kristin is Al & Tipper's daughter.

After that I had run out of book so I started a re-read of "Pride and Prejudice". I don't even know at this point how many times I've read it. Then on my birthday (Sunday 27th I turned 36!!) I realized I had a bag of books that needed to go back to Half Price Books for reselling. So as a present to myself I took them in and walked away with $6.50 for the bag and used it to buy two more books for only $3.00! Love it when my wallet comes out ahead and so does my nightstand.

So does all of that reading count as 4 more books for the year even though one was a re-read? I think so. And since I'm the one doing the counting who's going to argue? I think that brings me to a total of 18 so far for the year.

And in other news I've decided to take the classes for becoming a real estate agent. So far I've only made it through the first four chapters and I'm not making any head way while typing here but oh well. I'll get it done. I promise. My goal is to have the course(s) and the state exam done by the end of July. Hope that's not too lofty a goal since it's 90 credit hours of studying to do. I'm just not back into the study groove yet. I'm out of practice. Yeah, that's it. I'm not a procrastinator I'm just out of practice. HA!

There are other things occurring but I'm not sure if I'm ready to write about them here yet. So I shall let them be written in my head for a bit longer. Posting more than once a month seems like a good idea so I'll see if I can get back into practice doing this too. Hasta luego.

Two forgettable tales

Thankfully they were each only a dollar. So only two of my hard earned buckaroo's went towards these two books. Finished the first a week or so ago and the second a few days ago.

$1 book the first: "The Perfect Elizabeth" by Libby Schmais. I'm sure she really tried to make the sisters memorable but alas it was not to be.

$1 book the second: "Project Jennifer" by Jill Amy Rosenblatt. Almost gave up on this one several times but I pushed through because, well, honestly what else do I have going on these days.

Now I'm reading two books at the same time which is very unlike me. One is a novel and the other a self help book suggested by my newly hired coach. Yes, I hired someone to help me figure out me. At this very moment I should be working on a questionnaire that is part of the book she assigned but I'm here telling this space about books I hardly remember even though I just finished reading them. I'm an world class procrastinator! Is that something that I should add to my resume? Perhaps not.

Oh Monica you write so well

Yesterday my massage was cancelled so I decided to see if the nearest library was a place that I might be able to spend some "working" time instead of the nearest Starbucks. Turns out it's rather small so I'm not sure it's quite the right place for me. So to really apply some balm to my twice disappointed soul, I headed for Half Price Books.

I always start with the clearance section because there the books are usually only one little dollar. I picked out 7 books there and then went perusing the regular stacks for a few of my favorite authors. I found 3 that I just had to have. In the end I left 5 of the clearance books behind and only took 5.

The first one I read was by Monica McInerney whom I love to pieces. I started it last night and since it was only a scant 151 pages I finished it today. It's called "Odd One Out".

There is something about the characters that Monica creates. I can always relate to them. Her main character is always someone looking for a life change and they always get it in the best of ways. This one was no exception. I've got to read everything Moncia's written because I do love them so.

Wrinkle re-read; What's my line?

I read "A Wrinkle in Time" more than a few times as a kid. A few years ago I bought it and the next two in the series and re-read them again. After I finished "The Fool's Journey" I had nothing else left from my last trip to Half Price Books, so I went rummaging through my bookshelves and picked up "A Wrinkle...".

Here's the thing, I don't remember much of it at all. Why is that? Why do I hardly remember a story that I've read at least a handful of times? What's wrong with my reading comprehension skills? Or is it my memory that's not intact?

The other day I started a career self-help book called "The Pathfinder". I bought it back before I decided to leave the job two jobs ago. I thought at the time that I would really try to figure out what it is what I want to do as a career or aka "what I want to be when I grow up". I didn't make it very far through it at the time and fell into another job and then fell into this last one.

The very first chapter of the book asks you to remember what as a kid you dreamed about as a career when you grew up and how you felt during those dreams. Here's the problem with these questions, I have no idea. I can't remember ever wanting to really be anything. I don't remember ever sitting around dreaming about being an astronaut or a fireman or a slayer. (Sorry watching a Buffy rerun and just had to throw that in there.)

The only thing that stands out for me is that I used to spend my spare money buying magazines full of house plans. I'd spend hours critiquing their layouts and imagining ways to improve it. What it would be like for a family to live in those walls? How would I make it better? Is that a job? Cause if it is, sign me up! But I'm thinking not so much. Right?

How am I supposed to start me journey of finding my ideal future career if I can't remember what I dreamt of as a kid? I can't even remember reading a book I've read several times before. I really hope that "The Pathfinder" gives me some other assistance in this process or another starting point because otherwise I might throw it out the nearest window.

Two more for the bookshelf

The morning before the fortunate incident that led to my being unemployed, I finished a book that I had borrowed from a co-worker, "Sophie's World". Fortuitous timing, huh? The co-worker had suggested it because I had been talking at lunch about "The End of Mr. Y". They are a bit similar. In "Sophie's World", the intersection between real life and the life on the page is blurred. It wasn't as good as "Mr. Y" and mostly focused on the history of philosophy, not really my subject of choice.

The morning of the fortunate incident I started a book called "The Fool's Journey". In the very beginning of the book, the part I read that very morning, the main character realized that she'd been stagnating in her career when she was passed over for promotion to full professor, so she resigned. Strange coincidence that I should read that very thing the very same morning my working life was going to change. The book didn't stay as strong through out but it sure was nice to have that woman in the same place as me at the same time. She found her voice in the end and I really hope that I do too.

And then there was that thing that happened

Friday was certainly a life changer. I got to work, was called into the President's office, told I was being let go because he didn't think I could do the job, walked to my office to pack it up, turn in my bus pass, building id and company phone and right on out of the office.

The best news of the whole interaction was that I didn't cry! A small victory but definitely a victory. Oh I cried later, whole big piles of tears, several times. Many times. But right there and then I didn't. I held it together and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I really and truly did not see the getting fired thing coming. At all. In the just shy of two years that I worked there I never once had a review or a talking to or a notice of anything being wrong at all. It's not as if I was happy there or even wanted to be there, in fact, working there was starting to effect me physically, emotionally and mentally. But still, I was FIRED! Who would ever want that? Not me for sure. I would have much rather have left on my own terms. But here's the thing, oh well. I don't have to go back there. Never ever again!!!!

So I'm on a Spring Break of sorts. An unforeseen break in the action of the every day. Change of path and decisions ahead for me. Overall I feel lighter and already a whole lot better. And yet, I did just get fired. Blech.

Pincushion

Today at work I got a bit of a wild hair and decided to try acupuncture. My back/neck/shoulders have been killing me. And as has been well documented here of late, my mood has been in a dank dark basement below hell. Oh and there's always my period which has been acting the part of an evil manipulative beotch. Yeah, I got me a body that's in crisis.

I googled acupuncture and found places near my office and my house. Checking out a few of their websites I chose one near my house and called to get an appointment. She was able to fit me in tonight!

I went, I was bit nervous, but also a little bit excited. The practitioner took me into her office to have the initial consultation. I'd filled out a couple of forms before hand but we hadn't talked at all about why I there to see her.

The first her taking a look at my right wrist. The very first words out of her mouth were that I really needed to have my uterus looked at. Um OK? Kinda creepy. She kept looking and told me that I must have had asthma problems as a child. Um, yeah, did that thing. And then, and then! Oh then she tells me that I have a really hard time eating greasy food. Seriously? How could someone possibly know that from looking at my wrist?

By this point I'm thinking that she's a miracle and I'll do each and every possible anything she says. Then there were needles which I really do hate, and then there was me pre-buying a billion and ten sessions because oh look a pre-buy discount!

I'm now an acupuncture getting person. I'll let you know how it goes.

Attitude crashitude

My attitude is in the crapper. I hate being at work. I am not happy with my social situation. Rephrase that last one. I am happy when I have social situations to attend but more and more often I have a lot of alone time and I'm just not feeling up to trying to fill it.

I met with my Dr on Friday to discuss my current hormonal situation which has also been craptastic of late. She prescribed a bcp that is supposed to help with both the craptacular periods and my horrible mood. Sounds like a great up side. The down side is my insurance doesn't cover it so it's $70 out of pocket each month. Crap.

Perhaps it was a horrible idea for me to go off of the anti-depressants. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this job. Perhaps I shouldn't have, in a fit of loneliness last night, signed up for an internet dating site when I've been there done that more times then I can even count.

What the in the name of all that's holy is going to make me happy? Why does everything make me want to cry?

Friends whom I love dearly are having babies and I couldn't be more excited for them or more jealous. People ask the dreaded "why aren't you dating anyone" question and a part of me shreds to pieces.

When do you suppose I'll feel like I have a life that's something. A life that makes me want to get out of bed each day and take it on. A life that is enough for everyone to see and there are no more questions of "why aren't you" or "why don't you". I want my life to be enough and more. I do not want to regret my time here.

For now I'd really settle for being able to keep a lid on the tears while at work. Ugh. Makes my face hurt. Makes my entire head hurt. Makes all of this trying to cope crap even harder.

And on that cheery note I shall leave you with this quote from Real Genius just because:
"I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, 'I drank what?'"