Monday, November 17, 2008

The dates of 08 (and end of 07)

For the past week or so I've been chronicling the dates I've been on over the past year or so in my head. It's quite a long list and I thought that it would be better to put it into written form here rather than waste all of that precious brain space.

So here goes:
December 20th, 2007
Date 1 & 2 - Guy from Speed Dating Event #1. Date One was at the Seattle Art Museum. He was a half an hour or so late. Date Two was dinner at Mama's Mexican Kitchen and then walk around Belltown. Ending up Speed Dating him at the next event even though I had gone through all of the trouble of saying no thank you already. Ugh.

Date 3 - Another guy from Speed Dating Event #1. Tried to go bowling but it was league night. Went to drinks/apps in Ballard instead. Never heard from him again.

Date 4 - Guy from I just went through my old sent emails to find him. Would never have remembered. Met @ Peet's in Fremont. Barely any recollection of him at all. Yikes.

Date 5 - Guy from Speed Dating Even #2. Met him for dinner @ The Garage. He then emailed and said that he wasn't up for dating right now.

Date 6 & 7 - Another guy from Speed Dating Event #2. Met for coffee on first date and went to the Frye Art Museum for second date. Then I totally flaked and cancelled on him for our scheduled third date because I just could not bring myself to go. We were supposed to go see a band a the Showbox.

Date 8 - Friend of Mel's friend (I think). Walked around Green Lake on a dreadfully rainy day. I had just gotten Tally and was very preoccupied with her on the walk. I emailed him and he said that he'd like to be friends but there wasn't a spark. I said I have enough friends.

Date 9 - Guy from Met at Duke's @ Green Lake. He was a half an hour late. He was a teacher I think. He was really interested in telling me how smart he was. I never contacted him again.

Date 10 & 11 - Went geocaching twice with a friend who wanted to see if we could be more.

Date 12 - Heather's standmate from Orchestra. We met in Kirkland for tea and a walk along the water front. I emailed him and he replied with a LONG email and said there wasn't a spark. I didn't email him back.

Date 13 & 14 - Teacher from Mel's school. First date was dinner @ a tiny little Italian place and then a walk around Ravenna Park. Second date was high school soccer game and a Thai restaurant by his apartment. Third date was scheduled but then it just felt like we had no reason to go out again. Told him so and he agreed.

Date 15 - A guy from We met for drinks at the 74th Street Ale House. He is not what I was expecting. He emailed a few times. Last time was just today telling me that I should have at least responded to his emails. Just couldn't think of what to say to him so I didn't email anything. Oh well.

So there you have it. 15 dates in 11 months. Seemed like a lot but now that I put it out there in written form it doesn't. Strange.

Monday, November 10, 2008

She's brilliant!

After reading my last post Amy sent me an email with a brilliant idea. She said that when she feels similarly she makes a list of the things that she can feel grateful for in her life. So in honor of her brilliance I am going to give it a try.

I am grateful:
  • For my friends, like Amy, who really truly care for and about me.
  • Tally, who always has a wagging tail to greet my arrival.
  • For my new car and its seat warmers.
  • That I have money in the bank and a zero balance on my credit card.
  • That I am listening to my iPod right now.
  • That we will have a Democrat in the White House again.
  • That because of facebook I've gotten back in touch with a few people that I have really missed having in my life.
  • For the raisins I'm currently snacking on.
  • For Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm.
  • That I can read on the bus.
  • For my morning cup of Chai.
  • That I live in Seattle.

I started writing this nearly an hour ago and can't think of anything else right now. Perhaps I'll have some inspriation later and can add on to it then. Thanks again Amy!


My frustration is boiling over. People need me to tell them when things are going to be done. I have no way at all of being able to give them that information. People want help with their questions about how/what/why that I have no possible way of answering. I'm a PM with no way to M.

I'm not in charge of anyone and yet I'm in charge of the work they are supposed to do. I'm supposed to have the answers but I can't even make them perform the tasks, they do not work for me. Boss is out today. One of the tech's went to part-time. Another is on long term leave. Another is home fighting a fever. I have two people to "manage" but they don't report to me. I can't tell them what to do or how to spend their time.

The salesreps want to know when and all I can say is I have no idea. I have no idea when the item the customer wants will be completed. I have no tools to use. I have no people to throw at your issues.

I usually don't feel this powerless at work. This job has been a good thing for me for the most part. Yes, I did cry at work last week but that was because of those other pesky things. Those other things I deal with or don't deal with outside of here. Today I feel pointless. I feel as though I could leave and no one would even pay any mind. Tally would most certainly notice if I were home today but nope, I'm here feeling like I have no reason to be.

Today I'm feeling large and frumpy as well. Such a lovely combination; large, frumpy, pointless and powerless. Makes you want to be me, right? Really who wouldn't.

I've been focused on the bad and the sad again lately. Halloween weekend was awful and I've been fighting against it ever since. There was that evening Tuesday November 4th that was pretty damn fantastic but unfortunately that feeling has proved fleeting. I'm feeling my eyes close over again. I'm not seeing the life and things around me again. But then again I'm sitting here writing about it. So maybe that is progress. But it really feels like I should just be sending out invitations to Emily's Pity Party. Not a party I want to attend but I can't figure out a way to leave.

Going off the pill has succeeded in making me feel more hormonal in a more active way. I want some contact in a way I've never really felt before. And with nothing looming on the horizon in that department, let's just say frustration is quickly taking over.

I spent a billion dollars at the grocery store yesterday in the hopes that I would be able to start eating better again. Perhaps that will help. I keep thinking about exercising and that's where that stops. The couch wins against that thought each time.

Can I make anything different just by wanting it to be different? Does fake it till you make it really work? What power do I have? What can I change? It's times like this where it feels like I have no control at all. I'm not the one who says what will and what will not happen. I'm not in charge.