Thursday, April 29, 2010

Two more for the bookshelf

The morning before the fortunate incident that led to my being unemployed, I finished a book that I had borrowed from a co-worker, "Sophie's World". Fortuitous timing, huh? The co-worker had suggested it because I had been talking at lunch about "The End of Mr. Y". They are a bit similar. In "Sophie's World", the intersection between real life and the life on the page is blurred. It wasn't as good as "Mr. Y" and mostly focused on the history of philosophy, not really my subject of choice.

The morning of the fortunate incident I started a book called "The Fool's Journey". In the very beginning of the book, the part I read that very morning, the main character realized that she'd been stagnating in her career when she was passed over for promotion to full professor, so she resigned. Strange coincidence that I should read that very thing the very same morning my working life was going to change. The book didn't stay as strong through out but it sure was nice to have that woman in the same place as me at the same time. She found her voice in the end and I really hope that I do too.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

And then there was that thing that happened

Friday was certainly a life changer. I got to work, was called into the President's office, told I was being let go because he didn't think I could do the job, walked to my office to pack it up, turn in my bus pass, building id and company phone and right on out of the office.

The best news of the whole interaction was that I didn't cry! A small victory but definitely a victory. Oh I cried later, whole big piles of tears, several times. Many times. But right there and then I didn't. I held it together and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I really and truly did not see the getting fired thing coming. At all. In the just shy of two years that I worked there I never once had a review or a talking to or a notice of anything being wrong at all. It's not as if I was happy there or even wanted to be there, in fact, working there was starting to effect me physically, emotionally and mentally. But still, I was FIRED! Who would ever want that? Not me for sure. I would have much rather have left on my own terms. But here's the thing, oh well. I don't have to go back there. Never ever again!!!!

So I'm on a Spring Break of sorts. An unforeseen break in the action of the every day. Change of path and decisions ahead for me. Overall I feel lighter and already a whole lot better. And yet, I did just get fired. Blech.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Today at work I got a bit of a wild hair and decided to try acupuncture. My back/neck/shoulders have been killing me. And as has been well documented here of late, my mood has been in a dank dark basement below hell. Oh and there's always my period which has been acting the part of an evil manipulative beotch. Yeah, I got me a body that's in crisis.

I googled acupuncture and found places near my office and my house. Checking out a few of their websites I chose one near my house and called to get an appointment. She was able to fit me in tonight!

I went, I was bit nervous, but also a little bit excited. The practitioner took me into her office to have the initial consultation. I'd filled out a couple of forms before hand but we hadn't talked at all about why I there to see her.

The first her taking a look at my right wrist. The very first words out of her mouth were that I really needed to have my uterus looked at. Um OK? Kinda creepy. She kept looking and told me that I must have had asthma problems as a child. Um, yeah, did that thing. And then, and then! Oh then she tells me that I have a really hard time eating greasy food. Seriously? How could someone possibly know that from looking at my wrist?

By this point I'm thinking that she's a miracle and I'll do each and every possible anything she says. Then there were needles which I really do hate, and then there was me pre-buying a billion and ten sessions because oh look a pre-buy discount!

I'm now an acupuncture getting person. I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Attitude crashitude

My attitude is in the crapper. I hate being at work. I am not happy with my social situation. Rephrase that last one. I am happy when I have social situations to attend but more and more often I have a lot of alone time and I'm just not feeling up to trying to fill it.

I met with my Dr on Friday to discuss my current hormonal situation which has also been craptastic of late. She prescribed a bcp that is supposed to help with both the craptacular periods and my horrible mood. Sounds like a great up side. The down side is my insurance doesn't cover it so it's $70 out of pocket each month. Crap.

Perhaps it was a horrible idea for me to go off of the anti-depressants. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this job. Perhaps I shouldn't have, in a fit of loneliness last night, signed up for an internet dating site when I've been there done that more times then I can even count.

What the in the name of all that's holy is going to make me happy? Why does everything make me want to cry?

Friends whom I love dearly are having babies and I couldn't be more excited for them or more jealous. People ask the dreaded "why aren't you dating anyone" question and a part of me shreds to pieces.

When do you suppose I'll feel like I have a life that's something. A life that makes me want to get out of bed each day and take it on. A life that is enough for everyone to see and there are no more questions of "why aren't you" or "why don't you". I want my life to be enough and more. I do not want to regret my time here.

For now I'd really settle for being able to keep a lid on the tears while at work. Ugh. Makes my face hurt. Makes my entire head hurt. Makes all of this trying to cope crap even harder.

And on that cheery note I shall leave you with this quote from Real Genius just because:
"I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, 'I drank what?'"