Enough with the tears already

I have been an emotional nut job lately. To the ten thousandth degree this is actually an understatement. I weep at TV shows. But have you seen "Th Choir" on BBC America? Tear fest! Or the slot car episode of "James May's Toy Stories" also on BBC America? Weep weep weep. Then there's Tally needing my nearly constant attention causing me to sob as well.

It doesn't help that I'm stuck in the house most all of the time. See when you go out places you spend money and when there is no money coming in that is a bad bad thing. So at home I stay with an adorable, yet ultra needy dog, at my side. With the computer in front of me or a text book on my lap or napping on the couch or watching TV and weeping.

It's nice to have been depressed and come through on the other side if only now it means that you can see these times for what they are, set backs that you can get through. I know that I won't always feel this way but damn does it make it hard to want to keep on going some days.

I've made good head way in the real estate classes but there is definitely a lot more to do. I won't be done by the end of the month and a lot of that is because my mood has gotten in my way. It's kept me away from the online class or the text book when I really should have been there. It's frustrating and the voice in my head that is telling me I'm doing the wrong thing and that I will most certainly fail is sometimes very difficult to shut up.

It also hasn't helped that my dad has had a big professional set back this month and my empathy level is at a peak where he is concerned. Talking to him the other day made my sad state even lower which is never good. Thankfully Molly came over to borrow something and I got to spill my tears all over the place with another human being rather than on my couch alone with Tally and BBC America.

So today is better, must be or I wouldn't be here writing about it. Took Tally on a long walk this morning and then took myself for a roller blade around Green Lake. Let me tell you that made it abundantly clear to me that I am out of shape in a big way. I could only go around once and it was hardly 3 miles! Oh well I've only been one other time so far this summer so I shall give myself a pass on that. At least I went. I was out there. Big yahoo for that.

So right now I have a dog giving me her sad little eyes wanting to go for our evening walk. I even had to feed her dinner early in order to distract her so that I could sit here and write this entry. This won't always be my reality. I will finish my real estate course and I will pass the exam and I will find a job. It's what I want so that's what will happen. Power of positive thinking hard at work here and I'm working at believing it. And enough with the tears already!

Chemo #5 - Checking in

Friday morning was Tally's 5th Chemo appointment. Overall I'm shocked by how well she does each time. She's always so sweet and happy to see all of the people at the vet office. But I suppose that really shouldn't shock me. She's generally a happy easy going dog.

The side effects are fairly minimal. The list of what could happen is rather long and so far hers are centered around the lethargy and a bit of a stomach issue. This time the stomach hasn't been as big of a deal. But she has been pretty tired. I'm not sure if I'll know what to do with her when this is over and she wants to start playing again. That will be strange.

But really she is doing great and it's almost over. Only one more to go. Can't wait for it to be over. The vet said that she's not sure yet how to monitor her afterwards. So I'm a bit nervous about that. I'm sure it won't be awful but I'm not good with unknowns so I'll be really glad when that's all sorted.

And now for a graceful switch of topics today I did a bunch of stuff around the house, inside and out. Started by waking at 5:20 even with my newly purchased sleep mask. That's frustrating. Stayed up for a bit and then back to sleep for a bit. Up for good at 9. Then a Tally walk and off to Home Depot. Had to buy some plants for a big container on the patio, some mulch, and black spray paint. See I've got these two red and white patio chairs that are looking a bit worse for wear so I decided to spray paint them black. That way they will match the new chair I bought this year. Unfortunately today it was too windy. So when I got home it was all about yard work. Blech. But the pot is now full of color and one of the beds is fully mulched. Also got a bit of weeding done on the patio. Then inside to paint the ceiling in the hallway and do laundry. Full day all around.

Oh and I think today was day 7 of the Active 30 day challenge. After figuring out my earlier issues with the system (the position you hold the remotes in is VERY important) it's turning into a really great workout. I'm feeling better about my body in lots of ways. Huge step forward there. The med taper is still going well. I don't HAVE to nap any more and if I do it's only an hour or so, not 3 or 4.

Spent time today researching vacation options. My mom called yesterday and offered to take Tally for me so I can go somewhere. The best time for her is August so I've been focused on that time frame. I'm having a hard time figuring out where to go and what to do. I haven't ever taken a vacation by myself and I'm not sure what it will be like. Should I take a tour somewhere or just lay low somewhere? Pros and cons of both. Tour means no alone time, right? Lay low means all alone time, right? I like the idea of being active and I like the idea of being lazy. Mountains would be nice and ocean would be nice. Can I somehow have an active, lazy, social, alone, beachy, mountainy vacation? If so, where?

Another graceful topic change; I joined a book club. I found a listing on meetup.com for a book club that seemed like it might be interesting. It meets once a month and for June they chose two books! I've finished the first and read a few pages of the second last night. The first one was The Alienist. Didn't love it. Thought the writing was a bit forced because it was written in first person recollection. Way too many times where he said "but I didn't know it then" or "it didn't occur to me then". Clunky. Hopefully the next will be better. No matter what it adds a social outlet that I need. I've also joined a few other groups too. Haven't gone to any actual meetups yet but I joined the groups. Does that count for anything? My little brain says yep.

I believe that's all for now. See you all later.

Grrrr

I am in a HORRIBLE mood today. Capital H-orrible. It all started on Monday night when doing the EA Active workout my little avatar wasn't recognizing that I'd finished an exercise. That day I also had nagging sinus pain. The workout and some decongestants helped. Then yesterday the sinus pain resumed. The workout kept telling me during my warm up that I was intermittently running too slow even though I wasn't changing my pace. I got pissed off and turned off the game to try to see if there were any suggestions in the manual or on-line about this issue. The web site wouldn't process my registration of the game and just hung there. There's nothing in the manual about a sensitivity issue. So I started the workout again but decreased the intensity level.

It was probably the right thing to do but I would rather have been eating an entire box of cookies or cutting my head off than working out at that point. During one section I got so pissed off at the remote I nearly threw it across the room, but that didn't work because it's attached to my wrist. Grrrrr. So I threw little hissy fits at various points but in the end I finished the routine. By then my head felt worse so I ate dinner, drugged up and read my book.

Oh Tally actually wanted to play a bit last night which is a GREAT sign, but it also made me cranky because that means that she's feeling better just in time to go back for her next chemo.

So I played with Tally a bit, until she tired out and then back to my book. Went to bed early and slept fairly well. Then this morning.

My hair is horrid. My face is breaking out like crazy and I've even been having some back acne. GROSS! I feel huge. I want to SCREAM! And why yes I should be getting my period at any moment why do you ask??!?!?!??!?!?

I'm a hormonally charged - bad hair day having - jeans too tight wearing - basket case today. I'd suggest keeping your distance until the Emily you thought you knew returns. Perhaps tomorrow. But you never know. Best to approach from the side and not engage the monster head on.

You have been warned.

I'm Active

The day after EA Active was released for Wii I ordered it up from Amazon. It took a few days for it to arrive, I immediately removed it from the package and placed it on the shelf. That's where it sat until tonight.

At work today a co-worker said that she bought it last night and was going to start the 30 Day Challenge. I got really excited and told her that I was going to start tonight too! I mean how perfect is it to have someone to give me a little motivation. I mean I certainly don't want to show up to work on Monday and have her beat me!  :) Oh and besides she's not a very nice co-worker and told me once that I had no impact on her job and her priorities, which let me tell you as her PM pissed me OFF!! But I digress. This is about working out and not work.

I had to borrow Molly's scale because I don't have one. I filled out my profile and chose a medium intensity workout. Medium intensity my arse! Wow. It felt great and my little personal trainer said I was really doing awesome. So yeah for me.

During one portion they have you do "inline skating" that involves squats and jumping. Well let me tell you that section was too much for Tally. She thought I was playing with her and started to pounce and lunge right along with me. More than a little bit distracting. She also really wanted to be involved when I was doing the side lunges, even got in my way so that I couldn't complete a rep. I was hoping that by taking her to the dog park earlier it would have worn her out, but nope. Hopefully that she'll get used to me being "Active". (holy cheesy comment!)

I always forget just how great I feel after a work out. Hopefully I'll keep this up. I'm thinking that with a bit of motivation/competition I just might.