Regrets

A post on a friends blog got me thinking about things that I regret. There are a lot of things as I'm sure there are for everyone but there are three in particular that are really nagging at me lately.

The first one happened a long time ago, perhaps 4 grade. W and I were at my house playing. We were standing in front of our pantry trying to decide what to have as a snack. She wasn't making a decision. For some reason it made me mad. I have no recollection why but I said to her that if she didn't make a decision I would hit her. She didn't and so I did. I hit my friend. I was what about 11 at the time maybe only 10. Even now at 35 it still bothers me. I still wish I could go back to that moment and not hit my friend.

The others are more recent in the past few years. Two friends got married. I could have, no wait I should have gone to their weddings/receptions. It would have meant traveling out of state which at the time would have been a bit of a financial strain but nothing I couldn't have taken care of. In both cases I couldn't make myself go. I've been up and down the past decade or so and that was a down time. I look back now and I cannot believe that I didn't go. I wasn't there when my friends wanted me to be. I wasn't even able to properly face it. I didn't RSVP either way to either event. I didn't even RSVP. I couldn't face telling them. I couldn't face any part of either event in any way.

I feel like each of these events are sticking with me for a reason and I hope to one day be able to get past each of them and make peace with it. But for now I'll just let it be known here; I feel horribly for each of them and would change them all if I could.

Damn you Bill

Right now Hurricane Bill is speeding his merry way along toward the Eastern Coast of the United States. At any other point in my life I would not worry one little bit about said Hurricane. But the issue with our "friend" Bill here is that he's heading to the Eastern Coast of the United States where I will be vacationing next week!

This is my first vacation, of more than a long weekend, in two and a half years. Holy hell that's a long time. And I couldn't be looking forward to it any more than I am. I am longing greatly for a week of lazy beach time.

I swear I will torture all Bill's for the rest of my life if this Hurricane steps one little intrusive swirly cloud into my vacation. Let's all aim our high powered fans toward the East Coast in order to veer Bill from his currently predicted destination, OK? OK.

I'm a bit of a fan

I've discovered the show "Bones" and I am loving it. It's in repeats on TNT and my lovely little DVR tapes all of the shows for me. Then I spend a lovely evening watching them. I play with Tally in bits and pieces because she doesn't like it when I pay obsessed attention to anything other than her. Tonight I've worn her out playing and she's passed out cold on the entry rug. It's a little orange rug and she really likes it.

Have you ever seen the show "Castle"? It stars Nathan Fillion. It's a great show. A lot like "Bones". Funny and interesting and well there's the lovely Nathan Fillion eye candy. My god is he the most gorgeous man. Funny and adorable and Canadian! I do believe that if he and I met it would be love at first sight. :)

And do you know what I'm also a fan of? Jelly Belly Sours. Almost as much as Nathan Fillion.

Where'd she go?

It happened again. I stopped writing here. Can't figure out why but it did. It does.

Don't have a ton to say so I'll just start by telling you what's been going on.

Boss was gone for the last two weeks of July and it was fantastic. Loved it. Got to make the decisions about what people where doing almost as if I was actually fulfilling my job description! Also had a few meetings with Big boss (my boss's father) about how things were going with boss and how I should tailor my interactions with him to suit his style because that's what he needs. That's how he works. That's what I should do. Um wait a minute I say. Why is it that my style works well with everyone else in the office and not boss but it's me that has to change? Why is it that boss's style means that no one wants to work with him but we are the ones who have to change? Don't think so big boss. Things need to change and it isn't me that's the issue. He says he's going to make things happen. Little boss has been back a week and so far nothing's changed. Wait and see.

Got all of my plans for my vacation set. Flight, hotels and car. All ready to go. Now I just have to wait two more weeks and it will be vacation city for this gal. Tally's going to stay with my mom for the week.

Speaking of Tally she's been doing great. She's loving our longer summer walks and so am I. She's been shedding like crazy! The heat last week of July really killed her energy level and turned her into a shedding machine. I can't keep up with all of the hair. No matter how often I clean. This week her energy has been getting back to normal. She's playing a ton and seems really happy.

This past week a contractor has been tearing out the common wall between the bedrooms from Molly's side. So poor Molly has been having to live sleeping in her living room all week. Can you even imagine? Going from a small place (650 sq ft) and not having the use of an entire room for a week!!! Ugh. He took out the existing drywall and lame insulation replaced it with quiet batt insulation, homasote sound barrier board and will drywall over it all tomorrow. He's also been building out her closet in the plan I came up with. Then while I'm vacation he's going to build out my closet. I'm very lucky to not have to live through the construction like Molly has had to.

Well that's all I can think of for now. Perhaps I'll be back again soon.

What now?

Vacation hotel has confirmed. So that's set. Now I still need the two nights in Norfolk on each end but I'll probably get that done this weekend. I think I've picked the place so it's just a matter of gettin' er done. So I suppose that means I've got myself a vacation. Right at the moment it doesn't seem real. I can't quite put my head around the fact that I'm going to go on vacation and by myself for that matter.

I'm not sure how it will be. If over the course of the week I'll get sick of myself. Get too stuck in my head and not be able to get out. I don't want a solitary vacation. I do want to interact with other people. I'm not sure how I'll do that while in a place I don't know. The logistics of a solo vacation are alluding me. But then again perhaps I'm over thinking it. Got a few more weeks to figure it all out.

The work week is going agonizingly slowly. Boss guy is on vacation for two weeks starting next week and I'm sort of looking forward to it. Without him there I actually get to do my old job again but I'm so unmotivated that I could care less. I just don't care about what's going on there. *sigh*

I'm lacking things to say. Wishing I had more to say. Today on the bus I couldn't read my book. Couldn't focus on it. Hate it when my brain can't put itself together well enough. Train of thought not following.

So that'll be all for now. Later skaters.

Time marches slowly for those keeping track

Things have been slow at work. SLOW. I've spent most of today researching things to do on my vacation and creating a My Maps in Google maps marking all of the necessary spots. You know like the location of the nearest Starbucks. Just kidding there aren't any Starbucks where I'm going. Strange but true.

So far I've booked my hotel (I think, but they haven't confirmed yet!), my flight and the rental car. I've got to get a night at a hotel closest to the airport for the first night and last night. My flight doesn't land until about 7PM and I don't want to drive 130+ miles right after flying across country. The night I land I'll pick up the car stay near the airport and then head out the next morning. Same thing on the way back but in reverse. I'm really excited and wish it wasn't more than 6 weeks away. Summers always go by quickly so I'm sure it will be here before I know it.

Speaking of strange office chairs, this afternoon I've been sitting on one of those exercise ball thingys in a chair base. Hoping to improve my overall body shape before having to don a swimsuit for an entire week. GAH!!

Since you mentioned it, I've had two friends have babies in the last two days. Both are named Jessica W and both delivered at the same hospital. One delivered a little boy EARLY yesterday morning and the other a little girl early this morning. Babies babies all around. My co-workers wife who has been on hospital bed rest for the past few months is set to deliver in a week and a half. Babies babies babies everywhere.

And while I am being pretending sequitur but actually non sequitur girl I might as well tell you that Tally is doing really well. Shedding like the dickens, but really doing great. We had a milestone moment the other evening during bath time. I've learned over time that it's easier to get into the bath tub with her (in my swimsuit sitting on a little stool) than to reach into the tub on my knees. She doesn't really like baths and tries to bury her head as far as she can into my lap and away from the water. On Tuesday for the first time ever I was able to coax her into the bath tub all on her own! I didn't have to pick her up and place her in. It was GREAT! Perhaps some day she'll get comfortable enough with the water that I can wash her head. But I'm not banking on that. I'll take this small victory.

A half an hour left of my work day. How shall I waste it? What are your favorite ways to waste time at work? Do tell!

The news came before lunch

I was just leaving the office to meet Amy and Peter for lunch when my cell phone rang. It was my dad. I'd sent him an email about and hour earlier and he thought he'd call me.

Grandpa died last night. Dad was the only one with him at the time even though just a few minutes earlier his room was filled with people. My dad got to be with his dad alone at the very perfect moment. They got to experience this final moment, just the two of them, father and eldest son.

My dad seems to be OK. Taking it all in. Processing. I am too. A bit numb now. Nothing more to say.

Am I supposed to work here?

I've done a grand total (if I'm pushing it and rounding WAY up) an hours worth of work today. One little tiny hour. Since they got rid of the support department and made me it, my workload has become really cyclical. The nature of our software means that the beginning of the month and the beginning of fiscal periods are busy. The ends of the month before a holiday weekend, not so much.

So in the other million free hours I've had today I discovered that I might want to vacation to Hatteras, North Carolina. Ever been there? Me neither. I'm looking for a place on the ocean, that's a bit touristy with a small little town where I can relax and be a lump. Oh and yeah for a week. Oh and yeah by myself.

This will be the first time that I have ever gone on a vacation by myself. I'm kind of nervous and kind of thrilled by the idea of it. Perhaps after I get back I'll be revolted by the idea but you never know.

Initially I started out this quest for a vacation destination by trying to find a tour for single people. Not hard to find. But the more I read about them the more I realized that I didn't want to be around a group of strangers for a week going here, there and everywhere. I wanted to lay low. I wanted to do nothing at all. I wanted sun and water and surf and sand and a book or seven. That's it.

Not sure yet if it's going to be Hatteras but the Outer Bank is sounding right. Maybe further north around Kitty Hawk or Kill Devil Hill or Nags Head. Going to keep on researching and see which spot it will be.

Since I've been gone & Tally's FINAL CHEMO

So much has happened since my last post. Was it really a week and a half ago? Time has flown by.

First off grandpa is still hanging on. He's such a trooper. He started talking a bit on Friday, the 19th and talked to us all day long on Saturday. Most of it was not in the current time period but oh well. He started the day in the near time frame only going back about 25 or 30 years and thinking that he had to get to the firehouse for work. Then at one point he thought he was on the USS Boise which is where he spent all of his time in WWII. Then at the end of the day he was a slick teenager hitting on me and my cousin. Some quotes were amazingly funny. Like the one where he said to my Uncle's girlfriend that she had tied him up really well last night and that he was glad there weren't any fires. We all nearly peed ourselves laughing. Saturday was his best day. Sunday when we got to the hospital he was really agitated and asked for ice water and said yes to the question about pain medication. Little did we know that the ice water request would be the last intelligible words we would get from him. After getting his pain medicine he was out for the day. Everyone else left on Sunday and dad went to work on Monday so I went to the hospital by myself. I was not prepared for what I was about to witness.

I just happened to arrive at the same time his orthopedic surgeon did to perform a post-op check. Overnight grandpa had deteriorated and his sugar level had sky rocketed. Apparently the overnight nurse wrote in his chart the the insulin was refused at midnight. Let me tell you that grandpa most certainly was not in any position to refuse any medication. The day nurse and the surgeon went spinning into action saying that they needed to get the primary physician on the phone now and that maybe grandpa needed to go to ICU. It was a really overwhelming way to end my visit with grandpa.

He pulled through that craziness and has since been moved back to the care facility where he's been living for nearly a year. He's in his apartment there with round the clock care. No tubes, or wires or needles. Just grandpa. They have figured out how to manage his discomfort and he seems to be settled in for as long as he can hold out. I'm so glad that he's not in the hospital and around all of that insanity. He's home and peaceful. You can hear the calm in my dad's voice when he talks about grandpa now. Whereas before it was TENSION!!! I'm so glad that I got to see him one last time. It was well worth the emotional turmoil.

Came home late Monday night the 22nd. Britten brought Tally with her to pick me up at the airport. It was SO great to see my little puppy girl again and I was looking forward to a night's sleep in my bed and a calm week. On Tuesday during our evening walk Tally started limping but kept on moving and I didn't think much of it. I gave her paw a thorough once over when we got home and then went off to my hair appointment. When I got home she was limping even more and really freaking me out. I sat right down in the middle of the living room and kept asking her if she was really going to make us run to the ER. Really? Come on Tally. Just for mama can't you shake it off? No. Damn. In the car we went.

The ER Vet shares a space with her Cancer Vet so that made me feel really good. They were all very sweet with her and in the end the Vet thought she must have just sprained her elbow. We left with some anti-inflamatories and orders to rest for a week. Gave her one of the pills when we got home and another in the morning. During our morning walk you would have thought I'd made up Tuesday entirely. She was FINE! Nary a limp or hitch to be seen. So I figured she was just getting back at me for leaving her for the weekend.

Then comes the final Chemo appointment on Friday June 26th. What a great experience that was. The awesome Cancer Vet and I had a great conversation trying to determine the follow-up process and then proceeded to talk about my vacation plans. Then it was time for the actual Chemo treatment. I was up in front paying, as usual, and when Tally was done she did her normal full force run from the back of the office straight to me. This time though she was wearing a little red bandanna with the words "I'm a Cancer Survivor" on it. I nearly started crying. It was just about the most adorable and most inspiring thing that has happened since all of this cancer craziness first started.

Here's a picture of her in all her post-chemo bandanna clad glory!


The next day was my 25th oh wait my 35th birthday! Although with the way I tore it up you may have thought I was turning 25. Started the day by meeting Heather for breakfast at Portage Bay Cafe in South Lake Union. Jess had hoped to join us but she was hit full force with something evil that was causing her to lose all of her insides out both major orifices since 1AM that morning. So needless to say my very pregnant friend thought it best to stay home. Heather and I missed her dearly but forged on as best we could. Since neither of us are preggers we decided to have a bit of the bubbly, so mimosa's it was. Then we went to REI were I got some new sandal's, had a hilarious exchange with the REI shoe department employee and tried on some swimsuits. Wait scratch that last thing. Nope no swimsuits were tried on. Really it was just the shoe department. That's all. (See Heather I told you I wouldn't mention it ever again.)

Then home for a bit for some Tally time and then off to Mani's and Pedi's. This time it was Molly, Ali, Amy and Jessica. There was more champagne, cookies, fruit and a lot of laughs. Back home for Tally's evening constitutional and then on to dinner. Our group grew to 12 at dinner. Amy had made reservations at La Carta de Oxaca and man was it amazing. Margarita's, amazing Mexican food, little puzzles, stickers, and a lot of laughing. For dessert we headed over to Cupcake Royale where the entire store sang "Happy Birthday to me!" I reveled in every moment of my day and enjoyed it ALL!! Thank you to Brooke, Cliff, Brent, Amy (mama), Peter, Dave Peck, James and girlies for so much fun! What a day. Even the hangover on Sunday couldn't diminish my smile.

Sunday was my first book club meeting and that went great too. I had a lot of fun talking about the two books, "The Alienist" and "Judas Child". I felt smart, funny and interesting. Yeah me!

So I have to say if this is 35, I'll take it.

Off to Texas. Off to say goodbye

Last weekend my grandpa (dad's dad) fell, breaking his elbow and hip. In order to fix the hip they had to completely sedate him, something they didn't want to do. Since then things have not improved at all. He developed pneumonia, began to have trouble swallowing, and wasn't able to speak.

Turns out he had a serious stroke as well.

He has left instructions that he does not want any heroic measures including a feeding tube which would be the next step. Hospice has been called.

Grandpa hasn't been happy ever since grandma died. He just hasn't seen the point of being around with Betty not by his side. He doesn't seem to be fighting to stay around so we are all preparing for him to go.

So I'm heading to Texas to say goodbye to my last grandparent. I don't know how to do it.

Chemo #5 - Checking in

Friday morning was Tally's 5th Chemo appointment. Overall I'm shocked by how well she does each time. She's always so sweet and happy to see all of the people at the vet office. But I suppose that really shouldn't shock me. She's generally a happy easy going dog.

The side effects are fairly minimal. The list of what could happen is rather long and so far hers are centered around the lethargy and a bit of a stomach issue. This time the stomach hasn't been as big of a deal. But she has been pretty tired. I'm not sure if I'll know what to do with her when this is over and she wants to start playing again. That will be strange.

But really she is doing great and it's almost over. Only one more to go. Can't wait for it to be over. The vet said that she's not sure yet how to monitor her afterwards. So I'm a bit nervous about that. I'm sure it won't be awful but I'm not good with unknowns so I'll be really glad when that's all sorted.

And now for a graceful switch of topics today I did a bunch of stuff around the house, inside and out. Started by waking at 5:20 even with my newly purchased sleep mask. That's frustrating. Stayed up for a bit and then back to sleep for a bit. Up for good at 9. Then a Tally walk and off to Home Depot. Had to buy some plants for a big container on the patio, some mulch, and black spray paint. See I've got these two red and white patio chairs that are looking a bit worse for wear so I decided to spray paint them black. That way they will match the new chair I bought this year. Unfortunately today it was too windy. So when I got home it was all about yard work. Blech. But the pot is now full of color and one of the beds is fully mulched. Also got a bit of weeding done on the patio. Then inside to paint the ceiling in the hallway and do laundry. Full day all around.

Oh and I think today was day 7 of the Active 30 day challenge. After figuring out my earlier issues with the system (the position you hold the remotes in is VERY important) it's turning into a really great workout. I'm feeling better about my body in lots of ways. Huge step forward there. The med taper is still going well. I don't HAVE to nap any more and if I do it's only an hour or so, not 3 or 4.

Spent time today researching vacation options. My mom called yesterday and offered to take Tally for me so I can go somewhere. The best time for her is August so I've been focused on that time frame. I'm having a hard time figuring out where to go and what to do. I haven't ever taken a vacation by myself and I'm not sure what it will be like. Should I take a tour somewhere or just lay low somewhere? Pros and cons of both. Tour means no alone time, right? Lay low means all alone time, right? I like the idea of being active and I like the idea of being lazy. Mountains would be nice and ocean would be nice. Can I somehow have an active, lazy, social, alone, beachy, mountainy vacation? If so, where?

Another graceful topic change; I joined a book club. I found a listing on meetup.com for a book club that seemed like it might be interesting. It meets once a month and for June they chose two books! I've finished the first and read a few pages of the second last night. The first one was The Alienist. Didn't love it. Thought the writing was a bit forced because it was written in first person recollection. Way too many times where he said "but I didn't know it then" or "it didn't occur to me then". Clunky. Hopefully the next will be better. No matter what it adds a social outlet that I need. I've also joined a few other groups too. Haven't gone to any actual meetups yet but I joined the groups. Does that count for anything? My little brain says yep.

I believe that's all for now. See you all later.

Grrrr

I am in a HORRIBLE mood today. Capital H-orrible. It all started on Monday night when doing the EA Active workout my little avatar wasn't recognizing that I'd finished an exercise. That day I also had nagging sinus pain. The workout and some decongestants helped. Then yesterday the sinus pain resumed. The workout kept telling me during my warm up that I was intermittently running too slow even though I wasn't changing my pace. I got pissed off and turned off the game to try to see if there were any suggestions in the manual or on-line about this issue. The web site wouldn't process my registration of the game and just hung there. There's nothing in the manual about a sensitivity issue. So I started the workout again but decreased the intensity level.

It was probably the right thing to do but I would rather have been eating an entire box of cookies or cutting my head off than working out at that point. During one section I got so pissed off at the remote I nearly threw it across the room, but that didn't work because it's attached to my wrist. Grrrrr. So I threw little hissy fits at various points but in the end I finished the routine. By then my head felt worse so I ate dinner, drugged up and read my book.

Oh Tally actually wanted to play a bit last night which is a GREAT sign, but it also made me cranky because that means that she's feeling better just in time to go back for her next chemo.

So I played with Tally a bit, until she tired out and then back to my book. Went to bed early and slept fairly well. Then this morning.

My hair is horrid. My face is breaking out like crazy and I've even been having some back acne. GROSS! I feel huge. I want to SCREAM! And why yes I should be getting my period at any moment why do you ask??!?!?!??!?!?

I'm a hormonally charged - bad hair day having - jeans too tight wearing - basket case today. I'd suggest keeping your distance until the Emily you thought you knew returns. Perhaps tomorrow. But you never know. Best to approach from the side and not engage the monster head on.

You have been warned.

I'm Active

The day after EA Active was released for Wii I ordered it up from Amazon. It took a few days for it to arrive, I immediately removed it from the package and placed it on the shelf. That's where it sat until tonight.

At work today a co-worker said that she bought it last night and was going to start the 30 Day Challenge. I got really excited and told her that I was going to start tonight too! I mean how perfect is it to have someone to give me a little motivation. I mean I certainly don't want to show up to work on Monday and have her beat me!  :) Oh and besides she's not a very nice co-worker and told me once that I had no impact on her job and her priorities, which let me tell you as her PM pissed me OFF!! But I digress. This is about working out and not work.

I had to borrow Molly's scale because I don't have one. I filled out my profile and chose a medium intensity workout. Medium intensity my arse! Wow. It felt great and my little personal trainer said I was really doing awesome. So yeah for me.

During one portion they have you do "inline skating" that involves squats and jumping. Well let me tell you that section was too much for Tally. She thought I was playing with her and started to pounce and lunge right along with me. More than a little bit distracting. She also really wanted to be involved when I was doing the side lunges, even got in my way so that I couldn't complete a rep. I was hoping that by taking her to the dog park earlier it would have worn her out, but nope. Hopefully that she'll get used to me being "Active". (holy cheesy comment!)

I always forget just how great I feel after a work out. Hopefully I'll keep this up. I'm thinking that with a bit of motivation/competition I just might.

It's time for an update

Tally had Chemo #4 on Friday morning. This one was really easy. I can't believe I just called Chemo easy. But it was a lot less difficult than the first three. I'd say nary a side effect to be seen. WAHOO! She's still being picky about eating her normal food but I've been able to combat that by adding the canned version to her dry. She eats it all up lickey split.

This morning we took our normal walk and weekend Starbucks stop. Tally's usually very compliant when I leave her outside but today she just couldn't stand me leaving her behind. She kept barking and drawing me back out to her. A couple with a pug, wife getting the drinks and husband staying with the dog, offered to watch her while I went in. Tally was still very concerned that I was leaving her even with her new friends keeping her company. We usually get to Starbucks a bit earlier than we did today so there was a lot more activity than normal. I think that's why or at least that's what I'm sticking with. Right now she's passed out tummy side up.

And let's see an Emily update. The med taper is going fairly well. The shaking and jitters seem to have passed. Still having problems thinking of the proper words at times but oh well. My energy level has increased, which is GREAT! I'm able to go an entire weekend without a nap. That in itself is a miracle. I seem to need a lot less sleep overall which again miraculous. I've been tackling tasks around the house and generally able to keep moving. On Tuesday it will have been two weeks on the decreased dose and I'm not sure when I'll stop entirely. Maybe a few more weeks. I'll give it time. Take it slow and easy. For now I'm really happy with how it's going and I'll keep it at that.

Off to get more done around the casa. Perhaps I'll get those under cabinet lights installed. Certainly have to keep going on the den.

Happy weekend to all!

Those little annoyances

Shauna at Pickles & Dimes brought up some of the irrational things that annoy her and I realized that I have a LOT to say on that topic right at this moment. Rather than fill up her comments section I thought I'd write them down. Hang on here we go.

1) When someone on the bus talks on their cell phone or to their bus friend as if the rest of us aren't all stuck there having to listen to their conversation. 'Cause really all I wanted to do on the ride home was listen to you. Nope, didn't want to read my book in peace at all.

2) When people don't pay attention to the situation around them. Like when a long line has formed in the left turn lane and there is someone with ten thousand car lengths between them and the car in front of them and it would completely change the flow (or non-flow) of traffic if that one person would just move their car forward. Or in the grocery store when they just stand there in the middle of the aisle contemplating the rice cake selections when I need to get by. Or they stand in the middle of the escalator when a group of people have piled up behind them. Perhaps this is really several items in one?

3) Working lunches. The only time I have to get away from you people and now I have to eat lunch with you. Similarly when you have to come in early for a meeting. Please, as if my sleep isn't precious or anything.

4) When a book is assigned reading for work. Um, seriously? I have enough to do while I'm at work do you really think I want to read about work when I'm not here? That's a big old NOPE!

5) When someone is congested and is constantly snorting their snot as if we aren't all sitting here having to listen to their phlegm parade.

6) When people won't take no for an answer and keep pushing for you to try food. No really just try it. NO I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I'LL EAT WHAT I WANT!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

7) When my hair just won't do what I want it to.

8) When my pants are too tight.

9) When I can't find a single solitary object of clothing that I want to buy even when I have a gift card to spend.

10) And last but not least, people who drop their cigarette butts every where and anywhere because the world is their garbage can OF COURSE!

Shaking and fidgety

Last night when I got home from work Tally seemed to be doing OK. We had a pretty good walk. She didn't eat anything except a few treats but she was holding steady. Then as the night wore on she started to get the shakes. It was so sad. She didn't want to lay down in her normal spot on the couch so I let her lay on the other side of me and wrapped her up in a blanket where she stayed comfortably for the rest of the night and on into this morning. It really made me sad to see her like that. I hated having to leave her this morning since she didn't eat her breakfast either.

Then there's me and my meds tapering fidgety self. So far it hasn't been too bad but it is a bit odd. It feels like every so often I lose control of my motor skills and have to fidget and contort. And I feel a bit of an odd tight headache which could also be due to the insane allergy issues I been having but who's to say. The feeling makes it hard to sit still or focus. Especially with one of my co-workers who expects me to automatically have all of the history and back story on tasks without even trying. He just says things and expects me to know the who, where, what, when and why of it and I can't think straight enough to figure it all out.

It's only day two so I'm going to keep on keeping on. Here's hoping it gets better and not worse. Same goes for my little Tally bear. Better not worse. BETTER NOT WORSE!

Chemo #3

This morning was Tally's Chemo #3. She did really well. I stayed home with her for the morning and then went in to work. It was hard to leave her right afterwards like that. I always get so concerned about her.

When I came home she was waiting for me at the door, which is always a great sign. She didn't want to eat any dinner and has been acting fairly uncomfortable all night. I was able to hide one of her anti-nausea pills in a treat and she ate it. Hopefully that will help her be more comfortable. Or at least be able lay down and settle in for more than a few minutes.

Time to put away the computer for the night and give her some attention. As if I haven't been already. :)

I'm a taperer

The tests my doctor ran last week all came back normal except my Vitamin D level which is low. Not a shock for someone who lives in the PNW. She's going to prescribe some D for a bit and then see how I'm doing. The other thing that I'm going to do is taper off my anti-depressants.

I've thought about going off them every now and again over the past few years. There was always a reason not to. This time it seems like the probable side effects are too great and out weigh any benefits I might be getting. So starting this morning I'm on a half a dose and will stay on that for a while. Not yet sure how long since there really isn't any strict protocol for going off them. It's sort of a try this and see type of thing. So that's what I'm going to do. I figure I'll take it slowly and see how it goes. No rushing it.

Wish me luck. I'm a bit nervous but I'll handle it. No matter what I'll handle it. Off I go. Off the meds I go.

No sir not today.

Tally's neutrophil count was 1100 today, which while higher than her low point of 900 was still lower than the 1500 threshold that the Awesome Cancer Vet determines for a suitable treatment level. So no Chemo today. But she did decide that we are only going to do a total of 6 treatments. So far we've got two down. Four left and they will be every other week from here on out.

Her energy level has been fairly decent this week. She's been picky about her food but I can handle that. When we got back from the Vet she was playful and actually ate her normal food with nothing added. I think she gets a vitamin shot after they take her blood so perhaps that accounts for it. Right now she's laying low. Or at least she was until I typed that sentence. She always knows when is the best time to need attention. It's hard to type with one hand.

********************************

Brother just stopped by to give me this month's car payment. Yeah money! 

********************************

Just took Tally out for a quick potty break. Cold and rainy tonight. Now I'm going to make myself some hot chocolate. It's a spicy hot cocoa. Numm Yummy.

On Monday I went to my Dr. to see if she can figure out what's going on with me. I am tired all of the time and sleep a LOT!! I can get a full 8 hours of sleep wake up for a few hours and then nap for another four hours, up for a few hours and then back to that napping thing. Lots and lots of sleep. She asked me a bunch of questions, obviously, and decided on a bunch of blood tests. Haven't heard back from her yet. One of the things that might be causing it is the anti-depressants and I'm kind of hoping it is them. I'd like to stop taking them, finally. I've been on them for more than 7 years and it just seems like time to be done.  Hopefully it will go well. Makes me a bit nervous, the thought of the side-effects that is. Getting off the meds seems right. Not sure why.

And that is all for today class. See you again soon.

Gratuitous Picture/Video Post

A while ago Shauna asked for some more pictures of Tally so I'm going to honor that request. :)

Here's a short video I shot in the park nearly a year ago 5/17/08. She LOVES to run in the dirt of the ball field.

And here's a picture I took the day she had her tumor removed. Such a drugged out sleepy head that day. 2/2/09 **Edit: This was actually after her scope procedure. Not tumor removal.**

And then one about a week later sleeping with her little bee. 2/12/09

A few of her shaved parts from IV's and ultrasounds. 2/26/09 & 3/25/09

In this one I just love her little face. 3/25/09

And this one is from tonight. You can see how much her tummy hair is growing back in. 5/7/09

So there she is. I have to remember to post pictures more often. She's so photogenic!

I drugged my dog

Yesterday morning Tally wouldn't eat and I was feeling crappy myself. After a walk and her trying to eat every blade of grass in sight I decided it was finally time to give her some of the anti-nausea pill. I took one out of the blister pack and used every trick I could think of to get it in her. In the end it was the old pry her mouth open and shove it toward the back of her mouth on that worked. Then we both hit the couch for a nap, after I'd called in sick to work that is. I'd been asleep for about an hour when I woke with a start and realized that I was only supposed to give her half a pill! Half! Holy crap I'd drugged my dog. Frantically I picked up my phone and called the Cancer Vet, of course since by this time it was only 7:15 AM they weren't open yet so I left and message saying what I'd done and that I was going to call the emergency clinic. Emergency Clinic called, fears allayed. Apparently three times the dose is safe. Thank god. Back to sleep we went. Around 10 the Cancer Clinic called to make sure I had gotten the info I needed. I told them that she'd hardly budged in three hours. Snoozing like a big old log. They said that was one of the side-effects. Either that or hyperactivity. Boy am I glad that she chose sleep instead of the other option.

She and I spent the rest of the day snoozing up a storm. But still that night I couldn't get her to eat anything. This morning I took her on a short walk, called in sick again, and dragged myself to the pet food store. Picked up more stinky foods and even stopped at the grocery store for myself.

Home again, pile of stinky food served and eaten! And joy rang out! Tally has had her first meal in a day and a half. Big sigh of relief for doggie mom. Then tonight just as I started to write this post she even tried to play for half a second! Wahoo!!! And she went to her food bowl and ate a few bites of her normal food. Of course now she's conked out again on the couch but still. It's great. I'm thrilled.

So I drugged my dog and she slept for a day and a half (well, so did I) but we are both bouncing back.

This week's chemo was a go

Tally has been a bit off since Saturday. Her appetite is not its usual voracious self. She can't lay still for more than two minutes at a time. She hasn't wanted to play for days. Grass is a MUST eat. Of course I've been terribly worried. I even made Molly come over last night to help me take her temperature. I was convinced that she was feverish and on the verge of death. I had even checked to make sure that the Emergency clinic next to the Cancer vet was open 24 hours.

Of course, she's fine. I'm an insane worry wart and she's fine.

Awesome Cancer Vet was a bit concerned about why Tally's been off the past few days. We talked about it and went over it and thought about it. In the end we decided to go ahead with the plan; blood test and then if that turns out OK chemo. Had to wait longer than the first week. A lot longer.

Now she's trying to sleep on the couch. On her back, legs straight up in the air. After much testing of every other spot imaginable. I hope she's able to sleep for a bit. I certainly hope that she sleeps tonight. Last night was rough. I think she moved around ten thousand times. Woke me up just as many.

Wish me luck that we have a better night tonight.

Chemo #2 a no go

Today was scheduled to be Tally's second chemo appointment. They do a CBC beforehand and then decide if they will do the chemo. Today based on her white count they decided not to. In fact she's now on antibiotics for three days. At this moment she's passed out on the couch.

Hoping that she doesn't get sick and that we can get back on schedule next week. I really do not want this to take longer and keep going on and on. It's all really weighing on me. I'm hanging in there but man am I tired. Tired.

I'd love a vacation. I'd really like to stop having anything to worry about. I'd like everything to be calm and easy. And while I'm at it I would like to win the lottery that I don't play. I'd like to drop 10 pounds without trying. I'd like my hair to quit this frizz thing it's doing. I'd like my house to be in exactly perfect condition. And then there's that whole world peace thing.

Lamb Tripe smells like A**!!!

The short list of side effects of Tally's Chemo include any of the wonderful following items:
1) Vomiting
2) Diarrhea
3) Constipation
4) Fever
5)Lethargy
6) Anorexia

Isn't that a wonderful list? So far, no Vomit! WAHOO! Diarrhea, well this mornings "outing" was a bit off but I'm keeping my fingers crossed against that. Constipation, nope, see previous symptom. Fever, oh god I hope not because I'm really not sure I can handle taking her temperature up her you know what. Lethargy, Check! Poor little punkin is so tired. Anorexia, oh hell yeah. She turns her little nose up at her food as if I've poisoned it. Earlier this week I added some chicken based baby food to her regular dry food and she ate it up!

In a fit of nerves I stopped at the hipster Pet Store last night wanting to get her something that was made for dogs and not babies. I asked one of the sales people what food she would suggest. She said the smellier the better and suggested Tripe. There was a brand of canned dog food that was a few different varieties of tripe. My stomach promptly turned over at the mere mention of it. I talked with her more about it and she offered to give me a can of my choice to try for free. Couldn't pass that up so I took a small can of Lamb Tripe home along with a can of pureed Sweet Potato and pureed Pumpkin.

Her food from that morning was still sitting in her bowl so I added what was left of the baby food and some Sweet Potato and hoped for the best. Baby food, check! Sweet Potato, no way are you kidding me I'd rather lick around the rest of the empty bowl than eat that crap. So the option left for me was the Lamb Tripe. Oh god please don't make me feed her tripe.

I opened the can. IT IS HORRIBLE! My dinner nearly came up as I dug it out of the can and mixed it into her dry food. She loved it. Damn dog. Then this morning my empty stomach nearly rebelled when I reached in to remove the sealed container from the fridge. My stomach is doing flips right now just writing this.

Perhaps #1 on the side effect list had nothing to do with her but was all about me. Oh lord.

Tally Chemo Treatment #1

Tally had her first Chemo treatment yesterday. I took the afternoon off of work to take her. She of course was her usual uber excited self when getting in the car at home and getting out at the clinic. She was really happy and sweet when meeting the new vet tech. And happy to see Awesome Cancer Vet again. Then came time to actually take her back into the room where they give the Chemo. She didn't want to go with them. She practically attached herself to my legs so I had to walk with her into the room and then leave her with them. They don't allow owners to be back there because they don't want us exposed to anything. Heart wrenching to leave her behind straining on the leash to be with me.

I retreated out to the waiting room nearly in tears and was pacing back and forth. I tried to occupy myself by reading the paper but that didn't work. I paid the bill for that day's treatment and then paced some more. I can't even begin to tell you how long it took because it seemed like forever but then she finally came bounding out of the room down the hall and straight to me. My god do I love that dog.

We then went home and had a pretty typical evening together. Sat out in the sun on the patio with Molly for a bit then off for a nap on the couch. She was fine eating her dinner and I thought we would get through that night without issue. Then around 10:30 when I was just about to get ready for bed she started to dry heave. Ugh. It was only a few times but I decided that was enough of a warning so I covered the living room rug (the only rug in the entire house) with towels. I then tried to sleep on the couch with her. Around 12:30 she wanted to go out to pee so we did that. Then she calmed down easily and so I took a chance and went into my bed. I left my door open so that I would have quick access to the living room just in case. Luckily no puking last night.

This morning she was very tentative about eating her food. She ate about a third of it and then left the rest until after our walk. Any time she doesn't devour her food I just know that something isn't right. On our walk she REALLY wanted to eat grass. I let her eat a bit hoping that it would help soothe her tum. The vet gave me some medication to give her if she has problems with things coming and going from either end.

I'm very nervous about how she's doing. I'm going to leave work a little bit early today. What I really wish is that I was home with her right now. My mind won't stop wondering how she's feeling and coping. Her next appointment is Tuesday the 28th and I'm going to take that entire day off. They didn't have an appointment time available that was late enough to make working a partial day possible so a full day off it is!

Can't wait to get home and take care of her.

And the diagnosis is...

Canine Transmissible Venereal Tumor. The Awesome Cancer Vet called on Friday afternoon with the details. The prognosis is good with a 90 to 95% cure rate! Such a load off my mind. First Chemo treatment is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Now that I don't have to worry about what it is she has I'm worrying about what the Chemo is going to do. Aren't I just a bundle of laughs?

It was a really good weekend and I think it was mostly due to the fact that I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I know what kind of cancer it is. Now I know what we are going to do to treat it. Now I know how she got it. Now I know. Yes, there are things I don't know and those things are still stressing me out but I'll get through it.

My weekend started out with a great walk around Green Lake with Tally. Then a call from Amy asking why I wasn't where they were. To which I replied "I didn't know you were anywhere." She then told me where and off I went. We had a great time thinking of puns on Tally and her sexually transmitted cancer. Tally Ho is now very appropriate. As the night wore on I realized that the reason I was there was because of the other single guy who joined the group shortly after I did. Didn't really get to talk to him much because it was a large group. But Britten was inviting us all for a BBQ on Sunday so I figured I'd get to talk to him there anyway. Then Saturday was some weeding and a friends birthday party. Brought Tally with me and had a great time. Talked with Britten for a bit about Mitch and told her I knew that's what they had in mind. She said she hadn't told him either so no worries. Got home around 10 and Matt came over for a bit. Could not fall asleep for the life of me. Finally conked out around 1 I think. Then woke up at 6 on Sunday. That day was a dog park outing with Jean & Jet and then the BBQ at BnB's. Mitch had brought his foster dog and of course I brought Tally but unfortunately they didn't get along very well. Lucy an adorable pit bull was not at all happy with Tally so I wasn't able to talk to Mitch any more that night than Friday night. Brought my brother with me and he had a great time. He'd never met any of them and loved it all. He's also got a man crush on Duncan which I easily predicted before hand.

Such a lovely social weekend. I enjoyed every minute of it and totally wore Tally out. Not sure if it was all of the activity or something else entirely but she threw up on Sunday late morning. Of course that has me worried. As always she laid low as I left for work this morning in her usual protest. Boss says I can leave early today so I'm going to head out of here in a few minutes and fully soak up the sun that is SHINING out there!

Oh and I also got Mitch's email from Britten and sent him an email asking him out. See what happens there.

Follow-up to Cancer day

So Friday the 3rd was Cancer Day and who'd of thunk it but it went really well. The Cancer Vet was awesome. I loved her just about the minute she stepped in the room. She's got a great bedside manner and was very easy to discuss the issues with.

A synopsis:
1) She will not make a diagnosis based on the information/testing that has been completed thus far.
2) She said that the pathologists report from the tests is very vague and not at all sufficient.
3) Contrary to what the surgeon told me, she does not read the Lymphoma test as being negative rather it was not positive which could have been for a number of reasons.

Her Action Items:
1) Ask for a second pathologist at the same lab to review the test results and report.
2) If that report is as insufficient as the first then she is going to have the sample pulled and sent to a lab at UC-Davis for testing.

She has Action Items! She has a Plan!! I love her!!!

Before I left her I asked if I could give her a hug. That was how happy I was with her and what she is working on for Tally. Oh and she was also rather shocked to learn that the Surgeon just wanted to treat Tally with the information that he had and did not offer a referral to a specialist. And since that shocked me as well I now feel like I'm the smartest pet owner in the world.

So I still haven't gotten any results from the second pathologist but I have faith in Amazing Cancer Vet whom I believe that we should all now refer to as ACV. Those are the facts as I know them. Now I shall venture homeward to spend a lovely evening with my lovely dog. Night all!

Tomorrow is Cancer Day

I'm taking the afternoon off from work tomorrow in order to take Tally to an appointment with the Animal Cancer Specialist. I have no idea what the outcome of that appointment will be. It makes me nervous.

It's been 5 weeks since I got the call from the Surgeon that the growth he removed was cancerous. 5 weeks and I'm simply spent from all of the waiting and worrying.

My boss pulled me into his office this morning for the first time since the last round of layoffs to see how I was doing. Moron that I am I started crying. HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT!!! I realized when he was asking me that my stress is not related to work. Don't get me wrong now that we have lost half of the employees here I have a lot more work to do and I'm having to learn a LOT more, but that's not what is stressing me out. Tally's unknown cancer is stressing me to near my breaking point.

She's my little piece of family. She's why I race home every night. She's who I worry about and fret about. She's who I talk to at night. She's my constant companion. I adore her little face. She fills the being single with no kids void that I feel.

So tomorrow I hope we find out what we are dealing with and start dealing with it. I need that. I need to move on from the unknown into a process of healing a known.

I've also probably gained 10 pounds during the past 5 weeks which ugh let's not even get in to how I feel about that.

Here's to knowing and dealing with what's to come.

Still here

Three more people let go today at workplace but I'm still here. Last to arrive and still here. Should I still be here? Sweaty palms and nerves all a jitter. But still here.

Radiologist says: All's well

So the Radiologist took a look at Tally's chest Xrays from Friday and says all is well. He thought her liver looked a bit small but the ultrasound didn't think so, which means ultrasound wins that argument. Sigh of relief. So far.

After getting these results I called the Animal Cancer Specialists back and got an appointment for Friday, April 3rd for a consultation. The appointment should last an hour. I have no idea what they will say or what the outcome of the appointment will be. That's a bit nerve wracking. I'm going to try to keep a positive outlook because so far so good. Whatever this cancer is it doesn't appear to have spread around. Yeah to that.

I'm very much looking forward to having a diagnosis and getting little miss T on a treatment plan. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I do not like not knowing what it going on. Admittedly April 3rd sounds like a LONG time from now. Which it is really. I mean by that time it will already be P&D's last day of her two weeks notice. See that's a long time! :) Tomorrow it will be four weeks since the surgery procedure. 4 very long weeks.

Off I go now to play with my little bear dog.

A Positive Tally Update!

On Tuesday the Surgeon called to say that the test for Transitional Cell Carcinoma was inconclusive. He suggested that we start her on the Chemo any way because it is probably what she has. Well I wasn't interested in starting her on Chemo without knowing what she has so I went off in search of a second opinion.

I called the Animal Cancer Specialists who said that they don't usually get involved in the diagnosis phase but that they would pull together her records and give me a call back. On Thursday they said that they would like her to have a Chest XRay and an abdominal ultrasound before they saw her. So I called her regular vet and scheduled those for today.

Dropped little miss T at the vet this morning and just got the call from them that all looks normal. The Ultrasound person did not see any abnormalities anywhere. The XRay looks good but is going out to a Radiologist for confirmation.

So I'm taking those as good signs. Signs that the cancer is not all over the place. Signs that she is strong and fighting what ever this is. I may even get to breathe again for a couple of days.

They had to shave her belly for the ultrasound. She was just looking normal from the scope and growth removal procedure. Oh well. She doesn't mind looking a bit goofy. I mean she's already missing her ears, whats a bit of hair to worry about.

Love you little Tally bear. Can't wait to pick you up tonight. We shall celebrate with some big old treats and tummy scratching.

Random emotional rambling

I'm having a hard time not knowing what exactly is going on with Tally. They still haven't gotten the results of the tests for Carcinoma. Still waiting.

This weekend I laid low. Very low. Slept on and off all day yesterday with her curled up next to me on the couch. My emotions are all over the place. Spent therapy hour on Saturday crying my eyes out. Spent the rest of the weekend hiding on the couch. I'm alternately sad, mad and numb. I actually find myself getting mad at her because I just want it all to be over. I'm mad at her because she hasn't died yet. What the fuck. That makes me sick to even type that. But it's really how I'm feeling. How I'm dealing with this whole thing. Wanting to cherish every single second but wanting it all over and done with so that I can just move the hell on with it. What ever it will be. I can't imagine anything without her but I also can't imagine having to deal with her anymore.

I want to know what to do if she dies at home but I can't bring myself to Google it. I can't have that information because then it will be real. And yet it is real. But I don't know what is real yet. Damn this limbo is going to drive me insane.

Trying to hold myself together and keep her happy. I'm over feeding her because she loves food so much. I just keep giving her more. I keep giving her what ever she wants. My god I love that dog. What am I going to do without her. How am I possibly going to handle this. And then it seems like I can of course handle this because she's just a dog. But she's my dog. I am supposed to keep her safe and I'm failing her and yet I know I didn't make this happen to her.

How do I reconcile all of this disparate feelings? I don't suppose it's possible. I don't have any idea what's possible right now. Not knowing is hurting me every single day.

Well, it's not Lymphoma

So the tests came back that Tally does not have Lymphoma. They still have not gotten the results of the test for Carcinoma. Specifically Transitional Cell Carcinoma. Which of course since she said those words over the phone I have Googled a thousand and ten times.

I found a very interesting, if infinitely depressing, article here
http://veterinarymedicine.dvm360.com/vetmed/article/articleDetail.jsp?id=335708&pageID=1&sk=&date=

I love detailed information I just wish that the details weren't so dire. The other thing I don't understand is how she got this. They say it usually occurs in older dogs and specific breeds are more susceptible. She's only 3-ish and not any of those breeds. Perhaps it's because of her bad first years of life. Who knows that the hell she was exposed to in Taiwan.

Oh my poor little punkin. I have a little part of me that keeps hoping that the Carcinoma test will come back as negative also because then maybe she'll be OK. I'm also trying to prepare myself for the worst. How do you remain optimistic but be prepared? I'm having a hard time. A very hard time.

Calling all pet surgeons & Happy Adopt-a-versary!

Called the vet surgeon on Thursday after not hearing from them (at least I think it was Thursday, it might have been Wednesday). Nope now I remember it was definitely Thursday. Told them I thought that Tally was tired from the medication and they advised I stopped it to see what happened. Well she was even more tired off of the medication. So this morning I started it back up again. They also told me during that call that I should have the final diagnosis early this week probably today.

Man does that make me nervous. So so nervous.

*************************************************

Sunday was our Adopt-a-versary. Took Tally one of her favorite places in the whole world, the pet store. Wanted to get her a new toy and start her back on the Venison & Sweet Potato food. She's been on a Hypoallergenic food for a month or so and I just don't feel like she's getting enough food value from it. I also got her these awesome Dried Sweet Potato chews. She eats them up SO quickly and loves every second of it. I didn't find a new toy that I liked so I opted for a treat and food only outing. Perhaps another pet store run is in the cards for later this week. She really likes to play tug so I was trying to find something good for that. I'll keep looking.

Happy 1 Year Adopt-a-versary my little kookaburra. Love you to pieces. And keeping all of my digits crossed that the news is better than expected from the vet peeps.

Way to demotivate & Tally update & Suckitudeiness

Brought up an issue to boss who then proceeded to tell me that in the spectrum of things that he cared about this was at the bottom. Cool, huh? And now I just got called into his office with one of the install techs so that I could be told what someone else is doing wrong and then make her do it correctly. This doing the thing wrong person is the Office Manager. One of the 5 people on the Management Team. Me = not on the management team. My boss = on the management team. But yeah I get to tell Office Mgr that she's doing it wrong. Good thing she and I have a great relationship. I am not enjoying my job today.

*******************************************

I called the Vet Surgeon place on Monday to see when I'll find out about the additional tests for Tally. Two weeks. TWO WEEKS I have to wait for a final diagnosis. That makes me mad. I also asked if there was anything that I should be doing during those two weeks and was told that the surgeon would get back to me. That was Monday. Today = Wednesday. Call = Nope.

********************************************

Oh and I have a headache. And I ate a stupid salad for lunch because I am trying to be 'good' but all I want to do is go home and finish off the pint of mint chocolate chip Gelato in my freezer. Wednesdays can suck it.

It's the big C

So they thought it was nothing but it is something. Got a call on Friday around lunch that Tally does in fact have Cancer. They are not yet sure of the type of Cancer. One option, a Lymphoma, would mean chemotherapy and perhaps another year or two. The other is a Carcinoma and that does not respond to Chemo and would mean less time than the other.

They need to do more testing to determine the type which will take 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! Can you even imagine waiting for two weeks for more information? TWO WEEKS!

Spent the weekend trying to keep things normal. Well OK truth is I spent most of the weekend wondering how I would possibly deal with this and how I could possibly make her life as full and amazing as possible.

She's my little bear and I love her.

Tally's all better now but a bit odd looking

So Tally had her appointment yesterday for a complete scope of her female bits and etc. The surgeon wanted to do the full scope to make sure that there was nothing else going on in there other than the polyp my vet saw. Of course this was all after the surgeon put the fear of death on me about what the polyp could actually be instead of being a polyp. Let me tell you the other options I DID NOT LIKE! Oh holy hell did they frighten me. So of course in true Emily style I proceeded to stress about all of that from the day of our consult until the day of the procedure which were one week apart.

So yesterday I dropped Tally off for a day of beauty with the surgeon. I nearly started bawling my eyes out when she walked away from me with the tech. I got to work and a few hours later they called to tell me that they had started the procedure. Then a while later the surgeon called to say that it was just a polyp and everything else in all of her bits looks good. He also said that he was going to try to remove it using the scope rather than another more invasive method that involved scalpels and stitches and all sorts of nasty things. Success! The 2 to 3 cm polyp was removed using the scope and Tally could be picked up later that day. WAHOO!!!! There was much rejoicing. I walked around work with a shit eating grin on my face telling each and every one of my co-workers that Tally was fine! I'm such a goon.

So I went to pick her up and talked to the surgical tech for the post-op information. First thing she says when she came into the waiting room was how adorable Tally was and how much everyone loved her. Yes, it's true I have the most adorable dog on the planet! Then she left to get Tally. Oh my poor little girl was SO hungover. She staggered her way along the hallway bumping into door frames and slumping on the ground after getting to me. Then she staggered her way to the car and I was able to lift her into the back seat. She spent the ride home trying with all of her might to keep herself propped up rather than lying down. Why didn't she just lay down? No clue.

Then when we got home she was really disoriented and tried to get away from me when I went to get her out of the car. So I went to the other side of the car and she promptly moved to the other door. Finally I talked her out of the car and into the house. Once in the house she staggered around in circles for a bit and then passed out. A few hours later she stirred enough to get up and stagger around in circles again and look longingly at me up on the couch. She decided she couldn't possibly jump on the couch and collapsed where she was standing. Then a while later more longing looks and finally an attempt to get on the couch. Partial success. She got up there but her back legs lagged behind. And again it was pass out city.

After a while I tried to get her to take a pain pill encased in peanut butter but she would not have it. So I tried smearing the peanut butter pill on a piece of her food. Nope. So I pried open her little jaws and smooshed it down on the back of her tongue. Not long after that I was too tired so I went to bed. This morning she didn't do her normal wake up routine nor did she want much of a walk. She slowly ate breakfast and I got a pain pill in her before I left for work which is good. Now I'm nervous that she had a tough day.

Oh and for the scoping they had to shave several parts of her body. The shins of her front legs, the calf of one of her back legs and her entire private region. I'll see if I can get a good picture of it tonight. You know for posterity not to poke fun at her or anything. :)

So it's all good. My little Tally bear is on the mend. A Thousand $$$ later but oh well.

Scratch that last post

So I guess my excitement was misplaced. Just got an email from him saying that he doesn't want to see me again.

Dating is the single worst thing that I have ever done in my life. Or perhaps I should say ever tried to do because I am not proving to be capable.

Fuck.

Patience I do not have

I really have no patience. I don't like waiting. For anything. Probably part of the reason I don't like to cook is that you have to wait for the food to be done. Annoying.

My patience is being put to the test right now. Met someone new on Sunday morning that I'm very interested in seeing again. He said he'd call. He hasn't yet. He mentioned that he had a vendor in town on Monday and dinner with them Monday night so it's safe to assume that's why I didn't hear from him last night. The thought of waiting to see if he might call tonight is about to kill me. I truly might keel over dead right now as I type this.

What would you do? Should I wait to see if he calls tonight? Should I jump first and email him? Or what? Help I do not know what to do!

Man am I bad at being single and dating.

Recap and another Shred

Had a nothing much weekend. Could have been social and hid instead. On Sunday I was expecting a call from an elementary school friend but she didn't call. Feeds right into all of my insecurities. Instead I vacuumed out my car, took Tally to the dog park, and did another day of 30 day shred. So in truth Sunday wasn't all bad but it was supposed to be better.

Saturday I took Tally for a long meandering walk more than an hour to Green Lake and back. That felt good. That was all I did that day. Didn't even shower. Naps and way too much DIY TV. I got a call from a friend to go to a movie, let it go to voicemail and couldn't bring myself to call him back.

This morning there was snow on the ground. Snow in Seattle is becoming all too common and I do not like it at all.

I called to get Tally a surgery consult appointment to remove the polyp. An hour long appointment next Tuesday afternoon for $125. That's just the pre-op. God knows what the actual surgery will cost. Oh well she is more than worth it. She woke me up Sunday morning puking again. Wish I could figure out what triggers that.

That is all.

*Audible SIGH*

Today should be good day. I mean it's a Friday. Friday, that day of the week that you dream for until your longing is so bad it hurts. But for some reason today sucks major poo holes. OK not major but serious.

I've got a headache. It's raining, gray and drab outside. Work is blech. I was supposed to have a massage last night but my gal cancelled. Talked to my dad last night and some of what he had to tell me mad me very sad. Right before he called I was about to start day 2 of 30 Day Shred but after the hour long call I just couldn't must up the motivation.

I tried to lighten my mood by having a comfort food breakfast. See:

That's a Grande Non-fat Chai and a Chocolate Glazed Old Fashioned Doughnut. And, yes, they were both nummy nummy nummers. But they are gone now. And to that I say dang, darn, drat.

So *SIGH* it is. Hopefully my smile will come back. Hopefully.

She's home and mending

Tally has a polyp. The vet is going to check with a surgeon today to see what method they recommend for removal. Seems to be nothing too scary or problematic at this point. I suppose once they remove it they will run some tests to determine the nature of the polyp. The vet said that they are usually benign.

Poor little gal was so groggy when I picked her up last night. They had just finished the procedure about an hour or so before. She came to me with her ears pinned back to her head and only stopped for a moment to get a scratch before heading straight for the door. She was so groggy and out of it in the car ride home that she passed out on her face. When I turned around and saw her laying down I freaked out. She never lays down in the car. She always watches out the window the entire time. So I reached back to see if she was still breathing. Yes, I actually thought she might have died. I'm such a freak.

By the time we made it home she was so out of it that I had to carry her into the house. I laid her down in her bed and she stayed there for the next three hours hardly moving. Some time around 9 she finally pulled herself from her bed and laid down on the living room rug. Then about an hour later she finally made her way over to the couch and up to sit by me.

This morning she was still a bit tentative but seems to be recovering well. She was fine on our walk even if much more calm than her usual self.

Glad to have her back at home and its great to know what is going on with her. Even if I now have a whole new set of things to worry needlessly about.

Nothing titular comes to mind

Tally is at the vet all day again. Dropped her off at 8 this morning. She finished the antibiotics on Friday morning and then Saturday morning she was bleeding again. I called the vet and the next step is to sedate her and send a scope up her nether regions. So there she is and here I am trying to concentrate on my job but failing miserably.

All I'm doing is thinking about. Thinking about the possible scenarios. Of course none of them good in my fatalistic mind. I'm so distracted. Unable to form coherent thought. Cannot possibly analyze the current state of the task lists and prioritize or forecast.

Had an awful intestinal bout last night. Still suffering today. Probably shouldn't have just eaten that caramel apple with peanuts but damn did it taste good and I really needed something.

Just want to leave and walk Tally in the sunshine. That's all my brain and intestines can handle today. It's only 2. I wonder when they'll call me to let me know what's going on. I don't like waiting. Not knowing. Worrying. I'm tired. Should have had some caffeine today I suppose.

I have this spot on the side of the pointer finger on my right hand. It's really dry and rough and almost like a callous. Seems like it should be from where a writing implement rubs or something but that's not where I hold a pen/pencil/marker/crayon.

The backs of my knees, my kneepit I guess, gets itchy a lot. Did you know that it's nearly impossible to see my kneepits? I just can't seem to see them no matter how I stretch or flex.

Saturday night I got a parking ticket. I've never gotten a parking ticket, well except for that time in high school when I was actually 'parking' in the minivan and the cops flashlight only flashed the front seats. $44 for parking in a Zone Parking Only area. Grrrrr.

Still tired. Perhaps caffeine is in order. I shall go check out our stock of free pop and such all the while wishing for my cell to ring and have the vet tell me that all is well with my little bear dog.

Feeling harfy & Weekend Recap

Today my intestines are trying to stage a coop. They are threatening to leave my body entirely by which ever end they can get to first. Not a lovely feeling at all. Trouble is we are already down 5 people today and it's only a 16 person office. So here I stay sipping Mint Tea and praying to make it until 4:30. I think I can. I think I can.

I made it to the grocery store on Sunday. Inspired by P&D's comment. Made it easier to handle and for that I am eternally grateful, Shauna. Even though I was only gone for under 40 minutes Tally made sure to show me her disgust at my leaving her behind by attacking the Kleenex box from my bedroom. She just loves to tear up those little pop-up tissues. She must have a runny nose or something.

Saturday evening/night I actually got out of the house and ran errands and had Thai food with friends. It was really great! Should try to remember that I do like being social. 2009: Not the year of the Ox, the year of being social! Go forth and socialize. I guess I'll go waste time on Facebook now. That's social, right?

I hate the grocery store

I don't like going grocery shopping. I put it off all of the time. I'm at the point right now where my fridge consists of condiments, a couple of tortillas, and a nearly empty bag of shredded cheese. That's worse than many bachelors I know.

Food is my enemy. I don't like to cook just for myself. I don't like to spend time at the grocery store just to by food for myself. I do not like it at all.

I had thought about starting to use Amazon Fresh. They deliver to my neighborhood. It would save me the dreaded trip to the store. But then the layoffs happened at work and I got scared. Scared of spending a bit of additional money on food when I should be scrimping every single cent I possibly can because my god have you noticed the economy is in the crapper and people are losing their jobs all around you?

But I still hate the grocery store and wish I could make food magically appear in my house through little to no work on my part. Certainly that could happen with Amazon Fresh or ordering pizza or Chinese every night. That's not logical and neither is my detest of the grocery store but that doesn't mean I'm not sitting here right now dreading the fact that I need to go to that evil place tonight. Evil hated awful place.

She's back. And Our President is Barack!

Tally was back to her usual energetic self all afternoon and I loved every single second of it. While she was at the Vet yesterday, I stopped in a pet store and bought her an "Industrial Strength" tennis ball. Today she played the heck out of it. She loves to toss it up in the air and then lunge after it slipping and sliding across the hardwoods. And a few times she decided that I simply had to play with her as well. I've also been able to leave her e-collar (cone) off for the entire day which is a huge bonus as well.

She and I spent the early morning @ Ed's watching all of the inaugural fanfare with Melanie. What a glorious moment in our history. I'm thrilled and excited for what is to come.

Tonight I'm going to sit, pet my dog and wish I wasn't going back to work tomorrow.

Tally update

This morning Tally was very off. She'd spent most of the day Sunday sleeping and didn't even ask to go out for a walk. Then this morning she didn't do her usual waking me up routine. She didn't push open my door right after the alarm went off. Then I went out to feed her and she hardly wanted to eat. And let me tell you that is NOT like her at all. Usually she can hardly contain herself wanting to eat so badly. She did get her breakfast down but her reaction freaked the living crap out of me. So I jumped in the shower to get her to the vet as quickly as I could.

She was already scheduled to spend the day there getting some more tests done. So I dropped her off and cried as I drove away. I hate leaving her there even though I know that each and every person there just loves her to pieces.

Called Heather crying asking if I could spend the day with her and the kids. That was the best possible thing I could have done to keep my mind off where Tally was and what might be wrong. The kids as usual were fantastic and Heather was of course a perfect friend.

Around 4 I couldn't stand it anymore and called the Vet. They said that she was doing fine and that the Dr would give me a call as soon as she could. About an hour later she called and said that Tally was fine, that the swab from Saturday revealed she definitely has an infection of some sort and took some urine in order to determine what kind. She got a shot of an antibiotic and some pills that she'll start on tomorrow.

Right now she's cuddled up next to me on the couch and sleeping soundly. I couldn't be happier to have her home with me. She's still a bit off but I'll keep hoping all is well and do everything in my power to keep her happy and healthy. She's got my heart and I think I've got hers. We're a matched set us two. Stay around for a lot more years, OK little miss Tally bear? Hugs.

What is new-ish

Things have been tough at work. 6 people laid off on Thursday. Much more work landing on my desk. Makes me nervous that I won't be able to keep up but I still have a job. Thank goodness for that.

Tally has a vet appointment tomorrow. She'll need to stay all day. They are going to put her under to do several tests. I'm very nervous about it. I hate leaving her there. I hate the thought that something is wrong and we don't yet know what. More symptoms and fewer answers. Stressful for me. Hopefully not so for her in the long run. First time I've had to have her anesthetized and that alone makes me nervous. I'm going to say a million pleases between now and when I pick her up at the end of the day tomorrow. Please let her be OK. Please let this be easy to cure and solve. Please. Do you hear me? Please.

Taking tomorrow and Tuesday off of work. Was hoping to get somethings done around the house. So far I've not accomplished anything, well except finally posting here again. Hoping to get a bit of painting and organizing done but seems unlikely the more time that passes.

Been reading a lot. Always on the bus and before bed. Love reading on the bus. Makes the commute pass so easily and quickly. Except for during the Christmas snow craziness. That was a bus nightmare. Part of the reason I've taken Monday off. My usual bus isn't running and I just cannot stand the thought of having to take another. What a snob I am. But there it is. And I wanted to take Tuesday off in order to watch the inauguration. I've never seen one but this one seems too important not to.

Back to the books. There's been "The Amazing Adventure of Kavalier and Clay" which I had tried to get into a few times before but was never able to. Made it through quickly this time. A really great book. Then there was "Outlander" which I'd also tried to read several times previously. Made it through this time and enjoyed it. Not enough to read any of the following books but a good read nonetheless. A few weeks ago I went to Half Price books and bought several new ones. Right now I'm reading "The Alphabet Sisters". I enjoy the author and have read two of her others. There are four more books next to my bed as well. Lots of reading for me.

Not sure what I want to accomplish today. Nothing or lot of things... Nothing is so much easier but lots of things to do. Have to see how it goes. Go with the flow or something like that.