Monday, March 16, 2009

Random emotional rambling

I'm having a hard time not knowing what exactly is going on with Tally. They still haven't gotten the results of the tests for Carcinoma. Still waiting.

This weekend I laid low. Very low. Slept on and off all day yesterday with her curled up next to me on the couch. My emotions are all over the place. Spent therapy hour on Saturday crying my eyes out. Spent the rest of the weekend hiding on the couch. I'm alternately sad, mad and numb. I actually find myself getting mad at her because I just want it all to be over. I'm mad at her because she hasn't died yet. What the fuck. That makes me sick to even type that. But it's really how I'm feeling. How I'm dealing with this whole thing. Wanting to cherish every single second but wanting it all over and done with so that I can just move the hell on with it. What ever it will be. I can't imagine anything without her but I also can't imagine having to deal with her anymore.

I want to know what to do if she dies at home but I can't bring myself to Google it. I can't have that information because then it will be real. And yet it is real. But I don't know what is real yet. Damn this limbo is going to drive me insane.

Trying to hold myself together and keep her happy. I'm over feeding her because she loves food so much. I just keep giving her more. I keep giving her what ever she wants. My god I love that dog. What am I going to do without her. How am I possibly going to handle this. And then it seems like I can of course handle this because she's just a dog. But she's my dog. I am supposed to keep her safe and I'm failing her and yet I know I didn't make this happen to her.

How do I reconcile all of this disparate feelings? I don't suppose it's possible. I don't have any idea what's possible right now. Not knowing is hurting me every single day.

1 comment:

amysflock said...

Oh, Em...I understand, and I'm sorry, and wish I could hug you right now.

I've come to understand that as terrifying and tragic as it is to lose a pet, they teach us how to love unconditionally. I would not be who I am without having loved my animals. I'm gearing up to write about loving and losing Simon...it's about a month from the day a year ago when I finally had the courage to put him down, and I still cry about it.

But I loved him (still do, ack), and would not change a thing about having him in my life...even his demise.

Love you, dear...and give Tally lots of scritches for me.