The first one happened a long time ago, perhaps 4 grade. W and I were at my house playing. We were standing in front of our pantry trying to decide what to have as a snack. She wasn't making a decision. For some reason it made me mad. I have no recollection why but I said to her that if she didn't make a decision I would hit her. She didn't and so I did. I hit my friend. I was what about 11 at the time maybe only 10. Even now at 35 it still bothers me. I still wish I could go back to that moment and not hit my friend.
The others are more recent in the past few years. Two friends got married. I could have, no wait I should have gone to their weddings/receptions. It would have meant traveling out of state which at the time would have been a bit of a financial strain but nothing I couldn't have taken care of. In both cases I couldn't make myself go. I've been up and down the past decade or so and that was a down time. I look back now and I cannot believe that I didn't go. I wasn't there when my friends wanted me to be. I wasn't even able to properly face it. I didn't RSVP either way to either event. I didn't even RSVP. I couldn't face telling them. I couldn't face any part of either event in any way.
I feel like each of these events are sticking with me for a reason and I hope to one day be able to get past each of them and make peace with it. But for now I'll just let it be known here; I feel horribly for each of them and would change them all if I could.
