Release

My frustration is boiling over. People need me to tell them when things are going to be done. I have no way at all of being able to give them that information. People want help with their questions about how/what/why that I have no possible way of answering. I'm a PM with no way to M.

I'm not in charge of anyone and yet I'm in charge of the work they are supposed to do. I'm supposed to have the answers but I can't even make them perform the tasks, they do not work for me. Boss is out today. One of the tech's went to part-time. Another is on long term leave. Another is home fighting a fever. I have two people to "manage" but they don't report to me. I can't tell them what to do or how to spend their time.

The salesreps want to know when and all I can say is I have no idea. I have no idea when the item the customer wants will be completed. I have no tools to use. I have no people to throw at your issues.

I usually don't feel this powerless at work. This job has been a good thing for me for the most part. Yes, I did cry at work last week but that was because of those other pesky things. Those other things I deal with or don't deal with outside of here. Today I feel pointless. I feel as though I could leave and no one would even pay any mind. Tally would most certainly notice if I were home today but nope, I'm here feeling like I have no reason to be.

Today I'm feeling large and frumpy as well. Such a lovely combination; large, frumpy, pointless and powerless. Makes you want to be me, right? Really who wouldn't.

I've been focused on the bad and the sad again lately. Halloween weekend was awful and I've been fighting against it ever since. There was that evening Tuesday November 4th that was pretty damn fantastic but unfortunately that feeling has proved fleeting. I'm feeling my eyes close over again. I'm not seeing the life and things around me again. But then again I'm sitting here writing about it. So maybe that is progress. But it really feels like I should just be sending out invitations to Emily's Pity Party. Not a party I want to attend but I can't figure out a way to leave.

Going off the pill has succeeded in making me feel more hormonal in a more active way. I want some contact in a way I've never really felt before. And with nothing looming on the horizon in that department, let's just say frustration is quickly taking over.

I spent a billion dollars at the grocery store yesterday in the hopes that I would be able to start eating better again. Perhaps that will help. I keep thinking about exercising and that's where that stops. The couch wins against that thought each time.

Can I make anything different just by wanting it to be different? Does fake it till you make it really work? What power do I have? What can I change? It's times like this where it feels like I have no control at all. I'm not the one who says what will and what will not happen. I'm not in charge.