Don't focus on what you don't want

I find myself as searching for a new job thinking about only what I don't want. I don't want to work for another software company, do I? I don't want to work in manufacturing again, do I? I don't want to work with external customers anymore, do I? I don't want to work on the Eastside, do I? I don't want to work for a small company, do I? I don't I don't I don't.

So what is it that I do want? Why am I being so negative about this whole thing? Why can't I focus on what it is I do want instead? Really what is it? Gah!!

Positively shocking that I'm so negative. This job has got me feeling completely useless and luckless. I've lost sight of what I can offer and what I'm good for. What could I offer a company? What kind of company would want me?

But really it's not only about what they want, it's about me too. I get to make this decision as well, right? We get to decide if we like each other. I am a part of that equation. I get to choose where I send my resume and where I want to begin this whole thing. But that's the problem, where do I want to start?

Seven and Eight

About two weeks ago I finished book seven of 2010, The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas. I'd read another book by Scarlett during my beach vacation in August and enjoyed it. So I was excited to see what she could come up with this time. She has an interesting thought process and point of view. This one is about a cursed book same name as the title. The main character Ariel finds a copy of the book, perhaps the only in existence, and reads it only to find a seemingly vitally important page has been torn out. After a series of odd events the missing page is found and Ariel's world is plunged into chaos.

The book brought up an interesting view on what is thought and consciousness. Does a persons thought exist as another plane of existence? In this book the answer is a resounding yes. There are people who can experience this plane, people who can alter this plane. Alter the thoughts and actions of others. Those people are able to explain the existence of things, how the world functions. Until those people think about the nature of something and create its definition that thing does not. Anyway I'm not explaining it properly but needless to say I liked this book just as much as I liked her other. I'm about to pass it on to my brother.

Number eight was just the end of last week, What was Lost by Catherine O'Flynn. Another great read even if too short. Is was thinking as I reached the end that I kept wanting more from the story. Over way too quickly. Could have been much more fleshed out. But still I liked it.

I've only one left from my last Half Price Books outing but I'll be putting that off for a little bit until I finish one I borrowed from a co-worker called Sophie's World.

Wanting

There are so many things that I want. There are so many areas of my life that I want things.

Home- Redo the bathroom tile. Turn the washing machine around so that it is in the bedroom rather than behind the bathroom door. Build a larger bedroom closet. A Queen bed. A headboard. Bedroom rug. A rug for the den. Paint the house. Paint the den. Repaint the bedroom.

Professional - a management team I respect, a company that has a direction, a career path with growth, to know what I want to be when I grow up, work that will fill me, work I want to go to each morning.

Personal - A relationship with someone I can rely on, who can rely on me, who I can count on, who can count on me, who I can do things with, who I can talk things over with, bounce things off of, plan things with, raise children with, share the chores with, take care of, get taken care of by, laugh with, cry with, walk the dog with, plan things with, make dinner with, cuddle with, watch movies with, play games with, yell with, deal with,

How do you find all of the things you want? How can you make your life more than it is? Where do you even begin when there are so many things you want? Does making a list help you get there? What is the priority when you really want it all, all of it now, all of it this minute? Rolling Stones know that you can't always get what you want but I really wish I could. I really wish for all that I want.