Don't focus on what you don't want

I find myself as searching for a new job thinking about only what I don't want. I don't want to work for another software company, do I? I don't want to work in manufacturing again, do I? I don't want to work with external customers anymore, do I? I don't want to work on the Eastside, do I? I don't want to work for a small company, do I? I don't I don't I don't.

So what is it that I do want? Why am I being so negative about this whole thing? Why can't I focus on what it is I do want instead? Really what is it? Gah!!

Positively shocking that I'm so negative. This job has got me feeling completely useless and luckless. I've lost sight of what I can offer and what I'm good for. What could I offer a company? What kind of company would want me?

But really it's not only about what they want, it's about me too. I get to make this decision as well, right? We get to decide if we like each other. I am a part of that equation. I get to choose where I send my resume and where I want to begin this whole thing. But that's the problem, where do I want to start?

Seven and Eight

About two weeks ago I finished book seven of 2010, The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas. I'd read another book by Scarlett during my beach vacation in August and enjoyed it. So I was excited to see what she could come up with this time. She has an interesting thought process and point of view. This one is about a cursed book same name as the title. The main character Ariel finds a copy of the book, perhaps the only in existence, and reads it only to find a seemingly vitally important page has been torn out. After a series of odd events the missing page is found and Ariel's world is plunged into chaos.

The book brought up an interesting view on what is thought and consciousness. Does a persons thought exist as another plane of existence? In this book the answer is a resounding yes. There are people who can experience this plane, people who can alter this plane. Alter the thoughts and actions of others. Those people are able to explain the existence of things, how the world functions. Until those people think about the nature of something and create its definition that thing does not. Anyway I'm not explaining it properly but needless to say I liked this book just as much as I liked her other. I'm about to pass it on to my brother.

Number eight was just the end of last week, What was Lost by Catherine O'Flynn. Another great read even if too short. Is was thinking as I reached the end that I kept wanting more from the story. Over way too quickly. Could have been much more fleshed out. But still I liked it.

I've only one left from my last Half Price Books outing but I'll be putting that off for a little bit until I finish one I borrowed from a co-worker called Sophie's World.

Wanting

There are so many things that I want. There are so many areas of my life that I want things.

Home- Redo the bathroom tile. Turn the washing machine around so that it is in the bedroom rather than behind the bathroom door. Build a larger bedroom closet. A Queen bed. A headboard. Bedroom rug. A rug for the den. Paint the house. Paint the den. Repaint the bedroom.

Professional - a management team I respect, a company that has a direction, a career path with growth, to know what I want to be when I grow up, work that will fill me, work I want to go to each morning.

Personal - A relationship with someone I can rely on, who can rely on me, who I can count on, who can count on me, who I can do things with, who I can talk things over with, bounce things off of, plan things with, raise children with, share the chores with, take care of, get taken care of by, laugh with, cry with, walk the dog with, plan things with, make dinner with, cuddle with, watch movies with, play games with, yell with, deal with,

How do you find all of the things you want? How can you make your life more than it is? Where do you even begin when there are so many things you want? Does making a list help you get there? What is the priority when you really want it all, all of it now, all of it this minute? Rolling Stones know that you can't always get what you want but I really wish I could. I really wish for all that I want.

Sixer

Finished Book #6 of 2010 on the bus home tonight.,"Sammy's Hill" by Kristin Gore. The main character Samantha Joyce is mid-20's and working for a Senator in D.C. She's a bit quirky, fairly intense and very lovable. Her internal monolog is delightful and frenzied. She prays to the god of every conceivable cause. She tries desperately to keep her fighting fish alive and when they don't make it she has a lovely funeral with for each one. Oh and she loves talking to telemarketers.

Sammy is a great character. Flawed but perfect. The book ends on a glorious note with just enough wrapped up to feel closed but not trite. Really fun and I'm glad that made it into my shopping bag that day.

I really didn't want to

Friday night was day three of 30 Day Shred and I was more than happy to participate. Tonight I just did not want to in the least. I spent all of Tally's walk trying to come up with a valid reason why I just couldn't possibly come up with one. I knew that I really needed to suck it up and do night #4.

So after our walk I fed Tally and changed into my workout clothes. Then I started up the DVD and sucked it up. Of course I spent the entire time bitching and moaning and whining in my head, and even occasionally out loud.

Now that I'm done I'm still pissed off about it. What an oddity I am.

And yet another

Finished book #5 of 2010 on Friday night. This one was a bit of a miss. I just never felt as though it really got going. It's called The Birthdays and was written by Heidi Pitlor. The story of a family gathering for the father's 75 birthday.

Two brothers each married and a youngest single sister, all of the women are pregnant. I wish that I would have connected with the characters more but I didn't.

Still have a pile to pick from by the bed side. Not sure which one I'll start tonight.

Shred - Day 2

It really is quite amazing how twenty minutes of a workout video can knock you on your rear. Really that woman is crazy and all parts of my body hurt like hell. But the pain tells you it's working, right? The pain certainly makes it feel like it's working. There are muscles screaming out that I had forgotten were a part of my anatomy. Going to keep going. Keep pushing and panting.

Spending and shredding

Last week I bent down to pet Tally and split one of my two pairs of jeans that are worth wearing. I have two others but I do not like how they fit. So that leaves me with one pair of jeans and nothing else. So horror of horrors I had to go jean shopping. Blech.

Saturday I went to Nordstrom and spent a small fortune on one pair of jeans. Some obviously incredible designer that I've never heard of. I tried on so many pairs that my fingers turned blue. The gal who helped me was really sweet and of course the size of a little twig. At one point said she was jealous of my "curves" and didn't like her boy shaped body. Why do we always want what we don't have?

But the point is that I'm still having buyers remorse about the jeans. I'm not kidding about the small fortune part. I mean it's practically a car payment. Do I really need jeans like that? I think they look pretty good or I would never have spent that much money. But wouldn't they look even better without so much of me filling them up? I don't yet have an answer for the first question so I decided to really try working on the second, the squishy uncomfortable one.

I've started taking the stairs up from the transit tunnel, that's three flights. Then from there I walk up, and I do mean up, the two blocks to the farthest building entrance. By the time I get to the elevator lobby I'm breathless and my legs are burning. But really that's not enough. I've got to do more than a few stairs and a couple of blocks of hills. Tonight I added the 30 Day Shred DVD into the mix. My god does Jillian really hit you hard. I had forgotten how much your muscles feel used (perhaps abused) afterwards. Even though it's only 20 minutes it feels like a year. It's got to make a difference. All that put together has got to help the squishy spongy saggy parts. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm STICKING TO IT!!!

So the horridly expensive jeans have a reprieve. I'll give it a month, all four weeks, 28 days of February. If things are feeling better, if there's less squish back there, then I will give myself the gift of the designer jeans. Just perhaps I'll even get to exchange them for a smaller size. I think they are worth a month of hard work no matter what the size. I think I'm worth a month of hard work no matter what.

And then there were four

Finished reading the fourth book of the year last night, "Roommates Wanted" by Lisa Jewell. A great story about an odd group of single people living together in London. So far I'm awesome at picking based on title and back cover blurb. British chick lit is oh so good.

There are several other books by the same author. I think I'll add Lisa Jewell to my list of authors to read more from.

Another closed cover

I've been a reading fiend so far in 2010. Can hardly get enough. Up late. Turning off the TV to read. Read on the bus. Read during lunch. Read, read and then read some more.

So far I'm three for three in my choices. I've liked them all and they've each been different. Took a bit to get into this book because the author was very wordy. Her sentences going on and on for several long lines. But then I got accustomed to it and couldn't read it enough or learn enough about the characters.

This one was The Second Coming of Lucy Hatch by Marsha Moyer. The story of, well obviously, Lucy Hatch a recently widowed woman and her journey back to life from a stable but emotionless marriage. She moves back to her hometown and falls deeply amazingly passionately in love with a man, Ash, who feels entirely the same way. Well written love scenes. A wrenching depiction of Lucy's grief.

There is a second installment in the story of Lucy and Ash that I hope to read as well, called The Last of the Honky Tonk Angels.