When I take breaks from really writing anything in here it generally corresponds with times when I take breaks from many other things. For the past week and a half (or perhaps longer I'm scared to really know) I've been very lazy about taking care of things around the house that need to be done. The kitchen has gotten filled to my version of overflowing, the pile of shoes by the front door is threatening to trip me without provocation, the dirty clothes are busting out of the confines of the bin, the den is one big pile, the bathroom, the living room, the hall closet ugh. All of the rooms of my tiny little house are threatening to overtake me with their mess and dishevelment. And I do feel overtaken. I feel overwhelmed and nearly beyond hope. Nearly.
Last night there was a flash or perhaps flicker of hope. I ran the dishwasher and cleared off much of the counter cluttering crap. The kitchen now is a faint ray of light shining out at me in its mostly visible horizontal surfaces. But will it continue? Please I hope so.
See in general I am a rather tidy person. Well that is to say when I am in my functioning state it is generally a clutter free organized one. Then there are times like this past week where that all stops. I start making do with things as they are. Items don't return to their proper places. Empty Kleenex boxes that should be crushed and recycled still sit in their original place only now with a newly opened box sitting next to it. Bills that would usually be paid immediately sit on the kitchen counter. The recycling bin in the kitchen threatens to topple.
What is it that brings on these episodes? I am not really certain. Perhaps it's just par for the course for a person struggling with depression, most likely. Perhaps it's the change in my hormone levels once a month, possibly. No matter what brings it on I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do not like it at all. Not one tiny bit. But not liking it and doing something about it are two very different things.
During these episodes (I don't like that word but can't think of anything else to call it) I lose the will to make any effort no matter how small. The tasks that often are easy for me when functioning seem well beyond my reach when non-functioning. I've been in therapy and on antidepressants for years. How long has it been now? Six? Or is it nearing Seven? Anyway I'm working on myself, really I am, but still these times return. And each time they do I feel helpless and hapless to kick them out. But then somewhere out of nowhere my drive and my self return. I'll wake up again and begin seeing the things that need to be done and actually start taking care of them.
During these periods it does feel almost as though I am asleep. Last night I nearly woke up, hence the kitchen, but it only lasted for a few hours before retreating again. Luckily I have my therapy appointment in an hour and am desperately hoping it will awaken me a bit more.
I have no pithy way to end this post so I shall just say see you again soon. I hope.