Still here

Three more people let go today at workplace but I'm still here. Last to arrive and still here. Should I still be here? Sweaty palms and nerves all a jitter. But still here.

Radiologist says: All's well

So the Radiologist took a look at Tally's chest Xrays from Friday and says all is well. He thought her liver looked a bit small but the ultrasound didn't think so, which means ultrasound wins that argument. Sigh of relief. So far.

After getting these results I called the Animal Cancer Specialists back and got an appointment for Friday, April 3rd for a consultation. The appointment should last an hour. I have no idea what they will say or what the outcome of the appointment will be. That's a bit nerve wracking. I'm going to try to keep a positive outlook because so far so good. Whatever this cancer is it doesn't appear to have spread around. Yeah to that.

I'm very much looking forward to having a diagnosis and getting little miss T on a treatment plan. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I do not like not knowing what it going on. Admittedly April 3rd sounds like a LONG time from now. Which it is really. I mean by that time it will already be P&D's last day of her two weeks notice. See that's a long time! :) Tomorrow it will be four weeks since the surgery procedure. 4 very long weeks.

Off I go now to play with my little bear dog.

A Positive Tally Update!

On Tuesday the Surgeon called to say that the test for Transitional Cell Carcinoma was inconclusive. He suggested that we start her on the Chemo any way because it is probably what she has. Well I wasn't interested in starting her on Chemo without knowing what she has so I went off in search of a second opinion.

I called the Animal Cancer Specialists who said that they don't usually get involved in the diagnosis phase but that they would pull together her records and give me a call back. On Thursday they said that they would like her to have a Chest XRay and an abdominal ultrasound before they saw her. So I called her regular vet and scheduled those for today.

Dropped little miss T at the vet this morning and just got the call from them that all looks normal. The Ultrasound person did not see any abnormalities anywhere. The XRay looks good but is going out to a Radiologist for confirmation.

So I'm taking those as good signs. Signs that the cancer is not all over the place. Signs that she is strong and fighting what ever this is. I may even get to breathe again for a couple of days.

They had to shave her belly for the ultrasound. She was just looking normal from the scope and growth removal procedure. Oh well. She doesn't mind looking a bit goofy. I mean she's already missing her ears, whats a bit of hair to worry about.

Love you little Tally bear. Can't wait to pick you up tonight. We shall celebrate with some big old treats and tummy scratching.

Random emotional rambling

I'm having a hard time not knowing what exactly is going on with Tally. They still haven't gotten the results of the tests for Carcinoma. Still waiting.

This weekend I laid low. Very low. Slept on and off all day yesterday with her curled up next to me on the couch. My emotions are all over the place. Spent therapy hour on Saturday crying my eyes out. Spent the rest of the weekend hiding on the couch. I'm alternately sad, mad and numb. I actually find myself getting mad at her because I just want it all to be over. I'm mad at her because she hasn't died yet. What the fuck. That makes me sick to even type that. But it's really how I'm feeling. How I'm dealing with this whole thing. Wanting to cherish every single second but wanting it all over and done with so that I can just move the hell on with it. What ever it will be. I can't imagine anything without her but I also can't imagine having to deal with her anymore.

I want to know what to do if she dies at home but I can't bring myself to Google it. I can't have that information because then it will be real. And yet it is real. But I don't know what is real yet. Damn this limbo is going to drive me insane.

Trying to hold myself together and keep her happy. I'm over feeding her because she loves food so much. I just keep giving her more. I keep giving her what ever she wants. My god I love that dog. What am I going to do without her. How am I possibly going to handle this. And then it seems like I can of course handle this because she's just a dog. But she's my dog. I am supposed to keep her safe and I'm failing her and yet I know I didn't make this happen to her.

How do I reconcile all of this disparate feelings? I don't suppose it's possible. I don't have any idea what's possible right now. Not knowing is hurting me every single day.

Well, it's not Lymphoma

So the tests came back that Tally does not have Lymphoma. They still have not gotten the results of the test for Carcinoma. Specifically Transitional Cell Carcinoma. Which of course since she said those words over the phone I have Googled a thousand and ten times.

I found a very interesting, if infinitely depressing, article here
http://veterinarymedicine.dvm360.com/vetmed/article/articleDetail.jsp?id=335708&pageID=1&sk=&date=

I love detailed information I just wish that the details weren't so dire. The other thing I don't understand is how she got this. They say it usually occurs in older dogs and specific breeds are more susceptible. She's only 3-ish and not any of those breeds. Perhaps it's because of her bad first years of life. Who knows that the hell she was exposed to in Taiwan.

Oh my poor little punkin. I have a little part of me that keeps hoping that the Carcinoma test will come back as negative also because then maybe she'll be OK. I'm also trying to prepare myself for the worst. How do you remain optimistic but be prepared? I'm having a hard time. A very hard time.

Calling all pet surgeons & Happy Adopt-a-versary!

Called the vet surgeon on Thursday after not hearing from them (at least I think it was Thursday, it might have been Wednesday). Nope now I remember it was definitely Thursday. Told them I thought that Tally was tired from the medication and they advised I stopped it to see what happened. Well she was even more tired off of the medication. So this morning I started it back up again. They also told me during that call that I should have the final diagnosis early this week probably today.

Man does that make me nervous. So so nervous.

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Sunday was our Adopt-a-versary. Took Tally one of her favorite places in the whole world, the pet store. Wanted to get her a new toy and start her back on the Venison & Sweet Potato food. She's been on a Hypoallergenic food for a month or so and I just don't feel like she's getting enough food value from it. I also got her these awesome Dried Sweet Potato chews. She eats them up SO quickly and loves every second of it. I didn't find a new toy that I liked so I opted for a treat and food only outing. Perhaps another pet store run is in the cards for later this week. She really likes to play tug so I was trying to find something good for that. I'll keep looking.

Happy 1 Year Adopt-a-versary my little kookaburra. Love you to pieces. And keeping all of my digits crossed that the news is better than expected from the vet peeps.

Way to demotivate & Tally update & Suckitudeiness

Brought up an issue to boss who then proceeded to tell me that in the spectrum of things that he cared about this was at the bottom. Cool, huh? And now I just got called into his office with one of the install techs so that I could be told what someone else is doing wrong and then make her do it correctly. This doing the thing wrong person is the Office Manager. One of the 5 people on the Management Team. Me = not on the management team. My boss = on the management team. But yeah I get to tell Office Mgr that she's doing it wrong. Good thing she and I have a great relationship. I am not enjoying my job today.

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I called the Vet Surgeon place on Monday to see when I'll find out about the additional tests for Tally. Two weeks. TWO WEEKS I have to wait for a final diagnosis. That makes me mad. I also asked if there was anything that I should be doing during those two weeks and was told that the surgeon would get back to me. That was Monday. Today = Wednesday. Call = Nope.

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Oh and I have a headache. And I ate a stupid salad for lunch because I am trying to be 'good' but all I want to do is go home and finish off the pint of mint chocolate chip Gelato in my freezer. Wednesdays can suck it.

It's the big C

So they thought it was nothing but it is something. Got a call on Friday around lunch that Tally does in fact have Cancer. They are not yet sure of the type of Cancer. One option, a Lymphoma, would mean chemotherapy and perhaps another year or two. The other is a Carcinoma and that does not respond to Chemo and would mean less time than the other.

They need to do more testing to determine the type which will take 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! Can you even imagine waiting for two weeks for more information? TWO WEEKS!

Spent the weekend trying to keep things normal. Well OK truth is I spent most of the weekend wondering how I would possibly deal with this and how I could possibly make her life as full and amazing as possible.

She's my little bear and I love her.