Oh Monica you write so well

Yesterday my massage was cancelled so I decided to see if the nearest library was a place that I might be able to spend some "working" time instead of the nearest Starbucks. Turns out it's rather small so I'm not sure it's quite the right place for me. So to really apply some balm to my twice disappointed soul, I headed for Half Price Books.

I always start with the clearance section because there the books are usually only one little dollar. I picked out 7 books there and then went perusing the regular stacks for a few of my favorite authors. I found 3 that I just had to have. In the end I left 5 of the clearance books behind and only took 5.

The first one I read was by Monica McInerney whom I love to pieces. I started it last night and since it was only a scant 151 pages I finished it today. It's called "Odd One Out".

There is something about the characters that Monica creates. I can always relate to them. Her main character is always someone looking for a life change and they always get it in the best of ways. This one was no exception. I've got to read everything Moncia's written because I do love them so.

Wrinkle re-read; What's my line?

I read "A Wrinkle in Time" more than a few times as a kid. A few years ago I bought it and the next two in the series and re-read them again. After I finished "The Fool's Journey" I had nothing else left from my last trip to Half Price Books, so I went rummaging through my bookshelves and picked up "A Wrinkle...".

Here's the thing, I don't remember much of it at all. Why is that? Why do I hardly remember a story that I've read at least a handful of times? What's wrong with my reading comprehension skills? Or is it my memory that's not intact?

The other day I started a career self-help book called "The Pathfinder". I bought it back before I decided to leave the job two jobs ago. I thought at the time that I would really try to figure out what it is what I want to do as a career or aka "what I want to be when I grow up". I didn't make it very far through it at the time and fell into another job and then fell into this last one.

The very first chapter of the book asks you to remember what as a kid you dreamed about as a career when you grew up and how you felt during those dreams. Here's the problem with these questions, I have no idea. I can't remember ever wanting to really be anything. I don't remember ever sitting around dreaming about being an astronaut or a fireman or a slayer. (Sorry watching a Buffy rerun and just had to throw that in there.)

The only thing that stands out for me is that I used to spend my spare money buying magazines full of house plans. I'd spend hours critiquing their layouts and imagining ways to improve it. What it would be like for a family to live in those walls? How would I make it better? Is that a job? Cause if it is, sign me up! But I'm thinking not so much. Right?

How am I supposed to start me journey of finding my ideal future career if I can't remember what I dreamt of as a kid? I can't even remember reading a book I've read several times before. I really hope that "The Pathfinder" gives me some other assistance in this process or another starting point because otherwise I might throw it out the nearest window.

Two more for the bookshelf

The morning before the fortunate incident that led to my being unemployed, I finished a book that I had borrowed from a co-worker, "Sophie's World". Fortuitous timing, huh? The co-worker had suggested it because I had been talking at lunch about "The End of Mr. Y". They are a bit similar. In "Sophie's World", the intersection between real life and the life on the page is blurred. It wasn't as good as "Mr. Y" and mostly focused on the history of philosophy, not really my subject of choice.

The morning of the fortunate incident I started a book called "The Fool's Journey". In the very beginning of the book, the part I read that very morning, the main character realized that she'd been stagnating in her career when she was passed over for promotion to full professor, so she resigned. Strange coincidence that I should read that very thing the very same morning my working life was going to change. The book didn't stay as strong through out but it sure was nice to have that woman in the same place as me at the same time. She found her voice in the end and I really hope that I do too.

And then there was that thing that happened

Friday was certainly a life changer. I got to work, was called into the President's office, told I was being let go because he didn't think I could do the job, walked to my office to pack it up, turn in my bus pass, building id and company phone and right on out of the office.

The best news of the whole interaction was that I didn't cry! A small victory but definitely a victory. Oh I cried later, whole big piles of tears, several times. Many times. But right there and then I didn't. I held it together and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I really and truly did not see the getting fired thing coming. At all. In the just shy of two years that I worked there I never once had a review or a talking to or a notice of anything being wrong at all. It's not as if I was happy there or even wanted to be there, in fact, working there was starting to effect me physically, emotionally and mentally. But still, I was FIRED! Who would ever want that? Not me for sure. I would have much rather have left on my own terms. But here's the thing, oh well. I don't have to go back there. Never ever again!!!!

So I'm on a Spring Break of sorts. An unforeseen break in the action of the every day. Change of path and decisions ahead for me. Overall I feel lighter and already a whole lot better. And yet, I did just get fired. Blech.

Pincushion

Today at work I got a bit of a wild hair and decided to try acupuncture. My back/neck/shoulders have been killing me. And as has been well documented here of late, my mood has been in a dank dark basement below hell. Oh and there's always my period which has been acting the part of an evil manipulative beotch. Yeah, I got me a body that's in crisis.

I googled acupuncture and found places near my office and my house. Checking out a few of their websites I chose one near my house and called to get an appointment. She was able to fit me in tonight!

I went, I was bit nervous, but also a little bit excited. The practitioner took me into her office to have the initial consultation. I'd filled out a couple of forms before hand but we hadn't talked at all about why I there to see her.

The first her taking a look at my right wrist. The very first words out of her mouth were that I really needed to have my uterus looked at. Um OK? Kinda creepy. She kept looking and told me that I must have had asthma problems as a child. Um, yeah, did that thing. And then, and then! Oh then she tells me that I have a really hard time eating greasy food. Seriously? How could someone possibly know that from looking at my wrist?

By this point I'm thinking that she's a miracle and I'll do each and every possible anything she says. Then there were needles which I really do hate, and then there was me pre-buying a billion and ten sessions because oh look a pre-buy discount!

I'm now an acupuncture getting person. I'll let you know how it goes.

Attitude crashitude

My attitude is in the crapper. I hate being at work. I am not happy with my social situation. Rephrase that last one. I am happy when I have social situations to attend but more and more often I have a lot of alone time and I'm just not feeling up to trying to fill it.

I met with my Dr on Friday to discuss my current hormonal situation which has also been craptastic of late. She prescribed a bcp that is supposed to help with both the craptacular periods and my horrible mood. Sounds like a great up side. The down side is my insurance doesn't cover it so it's $70 out of pocket each month. Crap.

Perhaps it was a horrible idea for me to go off of the anti-depressants. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this job. Perhaps I shouldn't have, in a fit of loneliness last night, signed up for an internet dating site when I've been there done that more times then I can even count.

What the in the name of all that's holy is going to make me happy? Why does everything make me want to cry?

Friends whom I love dearly are having babies and I couldn't be more excited for them or more jealous. People ask the dreaded "why aren't you dating anyone" question and a part of me shreds to pieces.

When do you suppose I'll feel like I have a life that's something. A life that makes me want to get out of bed each day and take it on. A life that is enough for everyone to see and there are no more questions of "why aren't you" or "why don't you". I want my life to be enough and more. I do not want to regret my time here.

For now I'd really settle for being able to keep a lid on the tears while at work. Ugh. Makes my face hurt. Makes my entire head hurt. Makes all of this trying to cope crap even harder.

And on that cheery note I shall leave you with this quote from Real Genius just because:
"I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, 'I drank what?'"

Don't focus on what you don't want

I find myself as searching for a new job thinking about only what I don't want. I don't want to work for another software company, do I? I don't want to work in manufacturing again, do I? I don't want to work with external customers anymore, do I? I don't want to work on the Eastside, do I? I don't want to work for a small company, do I? I don't I don't I don't.

So what is it that I do want? Why am I being so negative about this whole thing? Why can't I focus on what it is I do want instead? Really what is it? Gah!!

Positively shocking that I'm so negative. This job has got me feeling completely useless and luckless. I've lost sight of what I can offer and what I'm good for. What could I offer a company? What kind of company would want me?

But really it's not only about what they want, it's about me too. I get to make this decision as well, right? We get to decide if we like each other. I am a part of that equation. I get to choose where I send my resume and where I want to begin this whole thing. But that's the problem, where do I want to start?

Seven and Eight

About two weeks ago I finished book seven of 2010, The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas. I'd read another book by Scarlett during my beach vacation in August and enjoyed it. So I was excited to see what she could come up with this time. She has an interesting thought process and point of view. This one is about a cursed book same name as the title. The main character Ariel finds a copy of the book, perhaps the only in existence, and reads it only to find a seemingly vitally important page has been torn out. After a series of odd events the missing page is found and Ariel's world is plunged into chaos.

The book brought up an interesting view on what is thought and consciousness. Does a persons thought exist as another plane of existence? In this book the answer is a resounding yes. There are people who can experience this plane, people who can alter this plane. Alter the thoughts and actions of others. Those people are able to explain the existence of things, how the world functions. Until those people think about the nature of something and create its definition that thing does not. Anyway I'm not explaining it properly but needless to say I liked this book just as much as I liked her other. I'm about to pass it on to my brother.

Number eight was just the end of last week, What was Lost by Catherine O'Flynn. Another great read even if too short. Is was thinking as I reached the end that I kept wanting more from the story. Over way too quickly. Could have been much more fleshed out. But still I liked it.

I've only one left from my last Half Price Books outing but I'll be putting that off for a little bit until I finish one I borrowed from a co-worker called Sophie's World.

Wanting

There are so many things that I want. There are so many areas of my life that I want things.

Home- Redo the bathroom tile. Turn the washing machine around so that it is in the bedroom rather than behind the bathroom door. Build a larger bedroom closet. A Queen bed. A headboard. Bedroom rug. A rug for the den. Paint the house. Paint the den. Repaint the bedroom.

Professional - a management team I respect, a company that has a direction, a career path with growth, to know what I want to be when I grow up, work that will fill me, work I want to go to each morning.

Personal - A relationship with someone I can rely on, who can rely on me, who I can count on, who can count on me, who I can do things with, who I can talk things over with, bounce things off of, plan things with, raise children with, share the chores with, take care of, get taken care of by, laugh with, cry with, walk the dog with, plan things with, make dinner with, cuddle with, watch movies with, play games with, yell with, deal with,

How do you find all of the things you want? How can you make your life more than it is? Where do you even begin when there are so many things you want? Does making a list help you get there? What is the priority when you really want it all, all of it now, all of it this minute? Rolling Stones know that you can't always get what you want but I really wish I could. I really wish for all that I want.

Sixer

Finished Book #6 of 2010 on the bus home tonight.,"Sammy's Hill" by Kristin Gore. The main character Samantha Joyce is mid-20's and working for a Senator in D.C. She's a bit quirky, fairly intense and very lovable. Her internal monolog is delightful and frenzied. She prays to the god of every conceivable cause. She tries desperately to keep her fighting fish alive and when they don't make it she has a lovely funeral with for each one. Oh and she loves talking to telemarketers.

Sammy is a great character. Flawed but perfect. The book ends on a glorious note with just enough wrapped up to feel closed but not trite. Really fun and I'm glad that made it into my shopping bag that day.