Friday, August 8, 2008

Where do I go?

I keep feeling as though parts of me disappear. I stop posting here and at the same time seem to stop paying attention to other areas of my life. It happens with regularity that I have yet to be able to pin point. Is it based on the phases of the moon? Or perhaps the phases of my cycle? Perhaps I should take a look back at my posts here. I'm positive that I've talked about this plenty of times before.

The song that shouldn't come up on shuffle on your iPod at this precise moment is Rhett Miller's "Come Around" with the refrain of "Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?" This is the thought that seems to pervade these times more than any other. It's the one that paralyzes me into inaction. I can't break out of the fear. The "lonely for the rest of my life" thought is too scary to face, so I face nothing. I hide from most everything. The dirty dishes start to pile up next to the sink. The clean dishes still fill the dishwasher. The den project cannot be tackled. I'm not moving forward or anywhere at all.

I invent reasons why I can't use my computer at home to work on my situation. The room is too messy. The desk is too messy. I really should clean the kitchen first. Tally should really have a bath before I start that huge project.

The den has become a symbol for my dating life. Don't pay any attention to that place in that corner. Avoid it at all costs. Keep looking another direction, any other direction but not that one. Makes me wonder if the northwest corner of the house is the relationship corner in fung shui land. Do you know?

So what do I do? Carol says that I'm ready. To date that is. She thinks I'm ready to take it on. That I need to take it on. Well, I know that I need to but I just can't. I can't face it. It's too much. I'm mired down in an uncomfortable, spiky, painful place.

PMS is that you talking? If so, please go away soon.

No comments: