Tough morning

This morning on our walk Tally and I had an encounter with a couple and their THREE Pitbulls. I've seen this couple before and I do not like them at all. They are, if you will excuse the phrase, white trash.

At first they only had one Pitbull, and then a second, and now today a third. I had this feeling when we were talking toward them on the sidewalk that I should cross to the other side of the street. But I didn't want to be mean. Oh how I wish I would have listened to that feeling.

As we were walking toward them Tally pulled in behind me, as though she was trying to hide behind me. The two full grown pits (the new one is a puppy) were being walked by the female of the couple and she could not hold them back. They lunged at Tally and she was bit a few times. It all happened so fast. I was really shaken up and tried to calm down enough to get their contact information. This is why I ALWAYS walk with my cell phone in my pocket. I took her name and phone number. They apologized a few times and said the classic line "He's never done that before" and I just said "Fine" and walked straight back home.

Once in the door I started crying. Tally was shaking and nervous. I checked her out as best I could and called our Vet. They fit us in an hour and a half later. Before leaving for the vet I tried calling the owner of the other dog and told her that I wanted the dogs name, her last name, and their Vet's information to verify that the dog was current on its shots. She said that they don't have a vet and that she has the paperwork showing a valid 4 year rabies vaccination. Then she went started yelling at me and saying that her dog got bit too and was bleeding and calling me a "fucking bitch" and saying that she wanted proof of my dogs vaccinations too and then hung up on me.

I hate some dog owners. I feel so badly for breeds like Pitbulls and Rottweilers because they get such a bad chance at getting a genuinely good owner. These people are exactly the type of people who should absolutely NOT own even one Pitbull let alone THREE!! I fear that it is all going to end very badly for those three dogs.

Tally appears to be mostly OK. Her Vet and I were able to find a couple of fairly superficial scratches that had bled a bit. She got a shot of antibiotics there and is now on antibiotics for a week and also some anti-inflammatories. Right now she is sleeping soundly and I'm still fuming.

From now on I will trust my inner voice when it's telling me to cross the street.

p.s. The label for this post "Dog Bit" now has an entirely different meaning.

Lacking

Today I feel as though I am lacking in so many ways. Perhaps it's all hormonal but it is debilitating.

While searching Monster today I saw a listing for "the" real estate company that I would like to work for. It was a link to a test to take that would tell you if you match the "4 Core Capacities" of their top performing agents. Guess who doesn't match, me that's who.

As I read through my results I thought "that's right" and "yeah that's me" to these types of statements:

• Understanding and compassion are central to your life strategy.
• You strive to cause people and things to function well together.
• Seeing potential and opportunity is a primary talent.
• Strategic thinking is your forte.
• You can always see another way to put things together.
• You have wit and creativity in your thinking.
• Understanding others and working with them is a key asset of yours.

You always want the results of these tests to feel accurate. You'd rather it ring true with you than to feel a complete mismatch. Then I got to the section where they described the results for their top agents. It's just not me. Their number 1 is my number 3. Their 4th category is my 2nd.

Even before I found this test today I was feeling out of sorts, and yes hormonal, but overall unsettled. What if this is the wrong path? What should I be doing? What do I really want to do? I'm really feeling so lost right now. So unguided and directionless.

When I got back home from my trip to MN and TX I was feeling fantastic but now the high has faded. I'm feeling scared and confused. I can't keep being unemployed, financially, or realistically. I want to be around people again. I want to be productive again. I want to...something again but what?

21, 22 & 23 Books

Just before leaving on vacation I read "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson. Molly had read it first and passed her borrowed copy on to me. Everyone kept saying how slowly it started out and I can sort of see what they mean but I didn't feel at all disappointed. I plowed through it in no time. When I was done all I wanted to do was read the second one, which I carried around Target with me for about an hour before putting it back on the shelf. Spending $15 on a book is just not in the budget at the moment. So I started the last book sitting on my bedside table, only to not be able to concentrate on it. I think there is a child about to die in it and I'm not sure I can handle that. Even so, I packed that book with me for my trip along with "Pride and Prejudice" which is always a great read.

Then I got to the airport with nearly 2 hours to kill. What do they sell in abundance at the airport? Books. Glorious books. There is was on the shelf taunting me with it's glorious red-orange cover, "The Girl Who Played with Fire". I wanted it SO much! Again my hand reached out and pulled the trade paperback version from the shelf. Again I walked around a store wanting it and trying to justify the expense when low and behold my eyes caught sight of the mass market paperback version. Tentatively I turned it over to check the price.... $8. WAHOO! Now that I could much more easily swallow into my tiny budget.

The flight and the first days of the trip were filled with reading "...Played with Fire" and I liked it just as much as the first one. All too soon it was done and again I wanted. Oh how I wanted the third book "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". Each time I saw it I would give it's silver papered hardcover goodness a caress and sigh a sad little sigh. An $8 paperback is one thing but a $27 hardcover!!! That was out of the question. I had a book I'd borrowed from Liz and it would have to do. But oh how it just didn't cut it.

Then a miracle occurred. My dad and Liz went to the Mall of America to grab some glorious tax free clothing and when they returned I was surprised with my dearest wish "...Hornet's Nest"! They said it was a belated birthday present and I nearly cried. I'm such a dork but I don't care. Last night I stayed up late until I was finished and now I am sad once again. So so sad. But oh so thankful that I got to read the three books in quick succession and all for only $8 out of my pocket! Not too shabby.

Thanks Stieg for writing these books. I'm very sad that I will not get to read another book from you. May you rest in peace.

Let's try it again

After reading "Pickles & Dimes" comment on my last post I decided to take Tally with me again on my run. She used the word "condition" and it made me realize that I really wanted to run with Tally so I just needed to get us both in the condition to handle it. Perhaps it's that the second time is the charm, but this time went better for us both. Perhaps this time we both knew what to expect so it was easier. I took the runs a bit slower than I might have but that was OK by me. It made the whole experience better to have her beside, well actually a bit behind, me.

Today's run was Number 3 of week 2. It will be the last time I run in WA for a while since I'm heading out to TX and MN tomorrow. Won't be back home until Monday the 23rd. Running in the heat of Texas and the mind melting humidity of MN is going to present a new challenge. I'll be running as early in the morning in TX as possible in order to avoid the 100+ temps they have been having recently. The trip also means that Tally won't be running with me for a while since she will be having her own vacation at my mom's house. Hopefully we will be able to get right back into it when I return.

The other thing that made it easier to run with Tally today is that she got a final clean bill of health from the cancer vet on August 3rd. The first time I ran with her I had this nagging thought that there might be something wrong. That she might be sick and I just didn't know it. I'm sure I'll still always stress a bit that she might have another health set back but for now that thought is a bit less nagging. She's fine. We're both fine. And we just might be getting better every day.

Off to pack for my trip. Oh look and the sun is coming out too. I think today is going to be a really great day.

Getting off the couch

My brother mentioned a while ago that we should start running. We had been commiserating about how flabby, fat and lazy we've been feeling. Since he mentioned it, I've been thinking about it a lot. Yesterday he texted me saying that we start Tuesday which is his next day off. I quickly agreed.

Since mid-June I've been tracking my weight (using an iPhone app called TargetWeight) trying to get down to a weight that would make me feel better in my clothes and make my shorts fit over my rear. So far I'm down 7 pounds but have hit a wall, weighing in at the same exact weight for the past 4 days!!

I've read about a lot of people doing the Couch to 5K program, so I found an app for my iPhone that would "walk" me through it. Brother couldn't start today because of work but I was itching to get going. First, I needed running shoes (oh and that iPhone app). Off to DSW I went. Tried on several pairs with each one feeling better than the previous. Decided on a pair of Asics GEL-Kahana 4's. They felt great.

Tonight instead of our normal evening walk I took Tally on my first "C25K" workout. It was so great! I loved it. It was definitely hard but I always knew that I just had to make it to the next interval. Since the intervals are so short it never got overwhelming. And with the app watching out for me I didn't have to worry about timing or anything, I just had to run and walk. The app also lets you create a play list to listen to while running, a perfect distraction!

Another distraction and the big bummer was that Tally couldn't keep up during the runs. Since we were running in an enclosed area and I knew she probably wouldn't run off, I let her off leash for the last few intervals so I wasn't dragging her along to the finish. Poor girl, we are both so out of shape. It also took her a pretty long time to recover when we got home. I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I keep pushing her to go along? Should I leave her home? Ugh so stressful. She's got her last post-Cancer check-up on Tuesday which is my next running day so I don't have to worry about it until Thursday. I'd really like it if she could do this with me. Perhaps a call to her regular vet is in order.

Here's hoping that I stick with this. If today is any indication I'm actually going to like it.

And then there were 20

Finished reading book 20 a few days ago, The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. Very easy, quick read. The author is based in Seattle and so is the book. Really fun to read all of the local references. Oh and did I mention that it is told from the point of view of a dog? Did you know that I really like dogs?

It wasn't great but it was a bit of fun.

Enough with the tears already

I have been an emotional nut job lately. To the ten thousandth degree this is actually an understatement. I weep at TV shows. But have you seen "Th Choir" on BBC America? Tear fest! Or the slot car episode of "James May's Toy Stories" also on BBC America? Weep weep weep. Then there's Tally needing my nearly constant attention causing me to sob as well.

It doesn't help that I'm stuck in the house most all of the time. See when you go out places you spend money and when there is no money coming in that is a bad bad thing. So at home I stay with an adorable, yet ultra needy dog, at my side. With the computer in front of me or a text book on my lap or napping on the couch or watching TV and weeping.

It's nice to have been depressed and come through on the other side if only now it means that you can see these times for what they are, set backs that you can get through. I know that I won't always feel this way but damn does it make it hard to want to keep on going some days.

I've made good head way in the real estate classes but there is definitely a lot more to do. I won't be done by the end of the month and a lot of that is because my mood has gotten in my way. It's kept me away from the online class or the text book when I really should have been there. It's frustrating and the voice in my head that is telling me I'm doing the wrong thing and that I will most certainly fail is sometimes very difficult to shut up.

It also hasn't helped that my dad has had a big professional set back this month and my empathy level is at a peak where he is concerned. Talking to him the other day made my sad state even lower which is never good. Thankfully Molly came over to borrow something and I got to spill my tears all over the place with another human being rather than on my couch alone with Tally and BBC America.

So today is better, must be or I wouldn't be here writing about it. Took Tally on a long walk this morning and then took myself for a roller blade around Green Lake. Let me tell you that made it abundantly clear to me that I am out of shape in a big way. I could only go around once and it was hardly 3 miles! Oh well I've only been one other time so far this summer so I shall give myself a pass on that. At least I went. I was out there. Big yahoo for that.

So right now I have a dog giving me her sad little eyes wanting to go for our evening walk. I even had to feed her dinner early in order to distract her so that I could sit here and write this entry. This won't always be my reality. I will finish my real estate course and I will pass the exam and I will find a job. It's what I want so that's what will happen. Power of positive thinking hard at work here and I'm working at believing it. And enough with the tears already!

Book 19 of 2010

Finished another book two nights ago, "Emotionally weird" by Kate Atkinson. I'd read her other book and thought it was OK. This one was OK too. No reason to recommend it but not horrible. High praise, huh? It was only $1 in the clearance area at Half Price Books so that makes it worth it.

Started reading book 20 last night, borrowed from Molly. It will be a quick read. Super large font and the narrator is a dog.

Delay in programming; 18 books and counting

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been here. Reading the writing of the other blogs I love. I've been writing posts in my head even but never putting them to "paper". And since right now I should be studying I think I'll get you up to speed instead.

First of all I've definitely been reading. There was "Size 14 isn't fat either" by Meg Cabot which is #2 of 3 in the Heather Wells series. I'd already read #3 previously not realizing I was doing it out of order, YIKES! Hate that. So after reading this one I read the third again, "Big Boned". They are all good easy reads. I hadn't realized until picking up this book how prolific Meg Cabot is. Have I been under a rock? And then there was "Grave Goods" by Ariana Franklin. I really love her style. I pay full price for her books when ever I find them and I'm not generally a fan of historical fiction. Then there was "Sammy's House" by Kristin Gore. I'd read "Sammy's Hill" a while back and when I saw this one I had to have it. Again Sammy was a wonderfully flawed character that I kept rooting for. And only in reading this book did I realize that Kristin is Al & Tipper's daughter.

After that I had run out of book so I started a re-read of "Pride and Prejudice". I don't even know at this point how many times I've read it. Then on my birthday (Sunday 27th I turned 36!!) I realized I had a bag of books that needed to go back to Half Price Books for reselling. So as a present to myself I took them in and walked away with $6.50 for the bag and used it to buy two more books for only $3.00! Love it when my wallet comes out ahead and so does my nightstand.

So does all of that reading count as 4 more books for the year even though one was a re-read? I think so. And since I'm the one doing the counting who's going to argue? I think that brings me to a total of 18 so far for the year.

And in other news I've decided to take the classes for becoming a real estate agent. So far I've only made it through the first four chapters and I'm not making any head way while typing here but oh well. I'll get it done. I promise. My goal is to have the course(s) and the state exam done by the end of July. Hope that's not too lofty a goal since it's 90 credit hours of studying to do. I'm just not back into the study groove yet. I'm out of practice. Yeah, that's it. I'm not a procrastinator I'm just out of practice. HA!

There are other things occurring but I'm not sure if I'm ready to write about them here yet. So I shall let them be written in my head for a bit longer. Posting more than once a month seems like a good idea so I'll see if I can get back into practice doing this too. Hasta luego.

Two forgettable tales

Thankfully they were each only a dollar. So only two of my hard earned buckaroo's went towards these two books. Finished the first a week or so ago and the second a few days ago.

$1 book the first: "The Perfect Elizabeth" by Libby Schmais. I'm sure she really tried to make the sisters memorable but alas it was not to be.

$1 book the second: "Project Jennifer" by Jill Amy Rosenblatt. Almost gave up on this one several times but I pushed through because, well, honestly what else do I have going on these days.

Now I'm reading two books at the same time which is very unlike me. One is a novel and the other a self help book suggested by my newly hired coach. Yes, I hired someone to help me figure out me. At this very moment I should be working on a questionnaire that is part of the book she assigned but I'm here telling this space about books I hardly remember even though I just finished reading them. I'm an world class procrastinator! Is that something that I should add to my resume? Perhaps not.

Oh Monica you write so well

Yesterday my massage was cancelled so I decided to see if the nearest library was a place that I might be able to spend some "working" time instead of the nearest Starbucks. Turns out it's rather small so I'm not sure it's quite the right place for me. So to really apply some balm to my twice disappointed soul, I headed for Half Price Books.

I always start with the clearance section because there the books are usually only one little dollar. I picked out 7 books there and then went perusing the regular stacks for a few of my favorite authors. I found 3 that I just had to have. In the end I left 5 of the clearance books behind and only took 5.

The first one I read was by Monica McInerney whom I love to pieces. I started it last night and since it was only a scant 151 pages I finished it today. It's called "Odd One Out".

There is something about the characters that Monica creates. I can always relate to them. Her main character is always someone looking for a life change and they always get it in the best of ways. This one was no exception. I've got to read everything Moncia's written because I do love them so.

Wrinkle re-read; What's my line?

I read "A Wrinkle in Time" more than a few times as a kid. A few years ago I bought it and the next two in the series and re-read them again. After I finished "The Fool's Journey" I had nothing else left from my last trip to Half Price Books, so I went rummaging through my bookshelves and picked up "A Wrinkle...".

Here's the thing, I don't remember much of it at all. Why is that? Why do I hardly remember a story that I've read at least a handful of times? What's wrong with my reading comprehension skills? Or is it my memory that's not intact?

The other day I started a career self-help book called "The Pathfinder". I bought it back before I decided to leave the job two jobs ago. I thought at the time that I would really try to figure out what it is what I want to do as a career or aka "what I want to be when I grow up". I didn't make it very far through it at the time and fell into another job and then fell into this last one.

The very first chapter of the book asks you to remember what as a kid you dreamed about as a career when you grew up and how you felt during those dreams. Here's the problem with these questions, I have no idea. I can't remember ever wanting to really be anything. I don't remember ever sitting around dreaming about being an astronaut or a fireman or a slayer. (Sorry watching a Buffy rerun and just had to throw that in there.)

The only thing that stands out for me is that I used to spend my spare money buying magazines full of house plans. I'd spend hours critiquing their layouts and imagining ways to improve it. What it would be like for a family to live in those walls? How would I make it better? Is that a job? Cause if it is, sign me up! But I'm thinking not so much. Right?

How am I supposed to start me journey of finding my ideal future career if I can't remember what I dreamt of as a kid? I can't even remember reading a book I've read several times before. I really hope that "The Pathfinder" gives me some other assistance in this process or another starting point because otherwise I might throw it out the nearest window.

Two more for the bookshelf

The morning before the fortunate incident that led to my being unemployed, I finished a book that I had borrowed from a co-worker, "Sophie's World". Fortuitous timing, huh? The co-worker had suggested it because I had been talking at lunch about "The End of Mr. Y". They are a bit similar. In "Sophie's World", the intersection between real life and the life on the page is blurred. It wasn't as good as "Mr. Y" and mostly focused on the history of philosophy, not really my subject of choice.

The morning of the fortunate incident I started a book called "The Fool's Journey". In the very beginning of the book, the part I read that very morning, the main character realized that she'd been stagnating in her career when she was passed over for promotion to full professor, so she resigned. Strange coincidence that I should read that very thing the very same morning my working life was going to change. The book didn't stay as strong through out but it sure was nice to have that woman in the same place as me at the same time. She found her voice in the end and I really hope that I do too.

And then there was that thing that happened

Friday was certainly a life changer. I got to work, was called into the President's office, told I was being let go because he didn't think I could do the job, walked to my office to pack it up, turn in my bus pass, building id and company phone and right on out of the office.

The best news of the whole interaction was that I didn't cry! A small victory but definitely a victory. Oh I cried later, whole big piles of tears, several times. Many times. But right there and then I didn't. I held it together and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I really and truly did not see the getting fired thing coming. At all. In the just shy of two years that I worked there I never once had a review or a talking to or a notice of anything being wrong at all. It's not as if I was happy there or even wanted to be there, in fact, working there was starting to effect me physically, emotionally and mentally. But still, I was FIRED! Who would ever want that? Not me for sure. I would have much rather have left on my own terms. But here's the thing, oh well. I don't have to go back there. Never ever again!!!!

So I'm on a Spring Break of sorts. An unforeseen break in the action of the every day. Change of path and decisions ahead for me. Overall I feel lighter and already a whole lot better. And yet, I did just get fired. Blech.

Pincushion

Today at work I got a bit of a wild hair and decided to try acupuncture. My back/neck/shoulders have been killing me. And as has been well documented here of late, my mood has been in a dank dark basement below hell. Oh and there's always my period which has been acting the part of an evil manipulative beotch. Yeah, I got me a body that's in crisis.

I googled acupuncture and found places near my office and my house. Checking out a few of their websites I chose one near my house and called to get an appointment. She was able to fit me in tonight!

I went, I was bit nervous, but also a little bit excited. The practitioner took me into her office to have the initial consultation. I'd filled out a couple of forms before hand but we hadn't talked at all about why I there to see her.

The first her taking a look at my right wrist. The very first words out of her mouth were that I really needed to have my uterus looked at. Um OK? Kinda creepy. She kept looking and told me that I must have had asthma problems as a child. Um, yeah, did that thing. And then, and then! Oh then she tells me that I have a really hard time eating greasy food. Seriously? How could someone possibly know that from looking at my wrist?

By this point I'm thinking that she's a miracle and I'll do each and every possible anything she says. Then there were needles which I really do hate, and then there was me pre-buying a billion and ten sessions because oh look a pre-buy discount!

I'm now an acupuncture getting person. I'll let you know how it goes.

Attitude crashitude

My attitude is in the crapper. I hate being at work. I am not happy with my social situation. Rephrase that last one. I am happy when I have social situations to attend but more and more often I have a lot of alone time and I'm just not feeling up to trying to fill it.

I met with my Dr on Friday to discuss my current hormonal situation which has also been craptastic of late. She prescribed a bcp that is supposed to help with both the craptacular periods and my horrible mood. Sounds like a great up side. The down side is my insurance doesn't cover it so it's $70 out of pocket each month. Crap.

Perhaps it was a horrible idea for me to go off of the anti-depressants. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this job. Perhaps I shouldn't have, in a fit of loneliness last night, signed up for an internet dating site when I've been there done that more times then I can even count.

What the in the name of all that's holy is going to make me happy? Why does everything make me want to cry?

Friends whom I love dearly are having babies and I couldn't be more excited for them or more jealous. People ask the dreaded "why aren't you dating anyone" question and a part of me shreds to pieces.

When do you suppose I'll feel like I have a life that's something. A life that makes me want to get out of bed each day and take it on. A life that is enough for everyone to see and there are no more questions of "why aren't you" or "why don't you". I want my life to be enough and more. I do not want to regret my time here.

For now I'd really settle for being able to keep a lid on the tears while at work. Ugh. Makes my face hurt. Makes my entire head hurt. Makes all of this trying to cope crap even harder.

And on that cheery note I shall leave you with this quote from Real Genius just because:
"I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, 'I drank what?'"

Don't focus on what you don't want

I find myself as searching for a new job thinking about only what I don't want. I don't want to work for another software company, do I? I don't want to work in manufacturing again, do I? I don't want to work with external customers anymore, do I? I don't want to work on the Eastside, do I? I don't want to work for a small company, do I? I don't I don't I don't.

So what is it that I do want? Why am I being so negative about this whole thing? Why can't I focus on what it is I do want instead? Really what is it? Gah!!

Positively shocking that I'm so negative. This job has got me feeling completely useless and luckless. I've lost sight of what I can offer and what I'm good for. What could I offer a company? What kind of company would want me?

But really it's not only about what they want, it's about me too. I get to make this decision as well, right? We get to decide if we like each other. I am a part of that equation. I get to choose where I send my resume and where I want to begin this whole thing. But that's the problem, where do I want to start?

Seven and Eight

About two weeks ago I finished book seven of 2010, The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas. I'd read another book by Scarlett during my beach vacation in August and enjoyed it. So I was excited to see what she could come up with this time. She has an interesting thought process and point of view. This one is about a cursed book same name as the title. The main character Ariel finds a copy of the book, perhaps the only in existence, and reads it only to find a seemingly vitally important page has been torn out. After a series of odd events the missing page is found and Ariel's world is plunged into chaos.

The book brought up an interesting view on what is thought and consciousness. Does a persons thought exist as another plane of existence? In this book the answer is a resounding yes. There are people who can experience this plane, people who can alter this plane. Alter the thoughts and actions of others. Those people are able to explain the existence of things, how the world functions. Until those people think about the nature of something and create its definition that thing does not. Anyway I'm not explaining it properly but needless to say I liked this book just as much as I liked her other. I'm about to pass it on to my brother.

Number eight was just the end of last week, What was Lost by Catherine O'Flynn. Another great read even if too short. Is was thinking as I reached the end that I kept wanting more from the story. Over way too quickly. Could have been much more fleshed out. But still I liked it.

I've only one left from my last Half Price Books outing but I'll be putting that off for a little bit until I finish one I borrowed from a co-worker called Sophie's World.

Wanting

There are so many things that I want. There are so many areas of my life that I want things.

Home- Redo the bathroom tile. Turn the washing machine around so that it is in the bedroom rather than behind the bathroom door. Build a larger bedroom closet. A Queen bed. A headboard. Bedroom rug. A rug for the den. Paint the house. Paint the den. Repaint the bedroom.

Professional - a management team I respect, a company that has a direction, a career path with growth, to know what I want to be when I grow up, work that will fill me, work I want to go to each morning.

Personal - A relationship with someone I can rely on, who can rely on me, who I can count on, who can count on me, who I can do things with, who I can talk things over with, bounce things off of, plan things with, raise children with, share the chores with, take care of, get taken care of by, laugh with, cry with, walk the dog with, plan things with, make dinner with, cuddle with, watch movies with, play games with, yell with, deal with,

How do you find all of the things you want? How can you make your life more than it is? Where do you even begin when there are so many things you want? Does making a list help you get there? What is the priority when you really want it all, all of it now, all of it this minute? Rolling Stones know that you can't always get what you want but I really wish I could. I really wish for all that I want.

Sixer

Finished Book #6 of 2010 on the bus home tonight.,"Sammy's Hill" by Kristin Gore. The main character Samantha Joyce is mid-20's and working for a Senator in D.C. She's a bit quirky, fairly intense and very lovable. Her internal monolog is delightful and frenzied. She prays to the god of every conceivable cause. She tries desperately to keep her fighting fish alive and when they don't make it she has a lovely funeral with for each one. Oh and she loves talking to telemarketers.

Sammy is a great character. Flawed but perfect. The book ends on a glorious note with just enough wrapped up to feel closed but not trite. Really fun and I'm glad that made it into my shopping bag that day.

I really didn't want to

Friday night was day three of 30 Day Shred and I was more than happy to participate. Tonight I just did not want to in the least. I spent all of Tally's walk trying to come up with a valid reason why I just couldn't possibly come up with one. I knew that I really needed to suck it up and do night #4.

So after our walk I fed Tally and changed into my workout clothes. Then I started up the DVD and sucked it up. Of course I spent the entire time bitching and moaning and whining in my head, and even occasionally out loud.

Now that I'm done I'm still pissed off about it. What an oddity I am.

And yet another

Finished book #5 of 2010 on Friday night. This one was a bit of a miss. I just never felt as though it really got going. It's called The Birthdays and was written by Heidi Pitlor. The story of a family gathering for the father's 75 birthday.

Two brothers each married and a youngest single sister, all of the women are pregnant. I wish that I would have connected with the characters more but I didn't.

Still have a pile to pick from by the bed side. Not sure which one I'll start tonight.

Shred - Day 2

It really is quite amazing how twenty minutes of a workout video can knock you on your rear. Really that woman is crazy and all parts of my body hurt like hell. But the pain tells you it's working, right? The pain certainly makes it feel like it's working. There are muscles screaming out that I had forgotten were a part of my anatomy. Going to keep going. Keep pushing and panting.

Spending and shredding

Last week I bent down to pet Tally and split one of my two pairs of jeans that are worth wearing. I have two others but I do not like how they fit. So that leaves me with one pair of jeans and nothing else. So horror of horrors I had to go jean shopping. Blech.

Saturday I went to Nordstrom and spent a small fortune on one pair of jeans. Some obviously incredible designer that I've never heard of. I tried on so many pairs that my fingers turned blue. The gal who helped me was really sweet and of course the size of a little twig. At one point said she was jealous of my "curves" and didn't like her boy shaped body. Why do we always want what we don't have?

But the point is that I'm still having buyers remorse about the jeans. I'm not kidding about the small fortune part. I mean it's practically a car payment. Do I really need jeans like that? I think they look pretty good or I would never have spent that much money. But wouldn't they look even better without so much of me filling them up? I don't yet have an answer for the first question so I decided to really try working on the second, the squishy uncomfortable one.

I've started taking the stairs up from the transit tunnel, that's three flights. Then from there I walk up, and I do mean up, the two blocks to the farthest building entrance. By the time I get to the elevator lobby I'm breathless and my legs are burning. But really that's not enough. I've got to do more than a few stairs and a couple of blocks of hills. Tonight I added the 30 Day Shred DVD into the mix. My god does Jillian really hit you hard. I had forgotten how much your muscles feel used (perhaps abused) afterwards. Even though it's only 20 minutes it feels like a year. It's got to make a difference. All that put together has got to help the squishy spongy saggy parts. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm STICKING TO IT!!!

So the horridly expensive jeans have a reprieve. I'll give it a month, all four weeks, 28 days of February. If things are feeling better, if there's less squish back there, then I will give myself the gift of the designer jeans. Just perhaps I'll even get to exchange them for a smaller size. I think they are worth a month of hard work no matter what the size. I think I'm worth a month of hard work no matter what.

And then there were four

Finished reading the fourth book of the year last night, "Roommates Wanted" by Lisa Jewell. A great story about an odd group of single people living together in London. So far I'm awesome at picking based on title and back cover blurb. British chick lit is oh so good.

There are several other books by the same author. I think I'll add Lisa Jewell to my list of authors to read more from.

Another closed cover

I've been a reading fiend so far in 2010. Can hardly get enough. Up late. Turning off the TV to read. Read on the bus. Read during lunch. Read, read and then read some more.

So far I'm three for three in my choices. I've liked them all and they've each been different. Took a bit to get into this book because the author was very wordy. Her sentences going on and on for several long lines. But then I got accustomed to it and couldn't read it enough or learn enough about the characters.

This one was The Second Coming of Lucy Hatch by Marsha Moyer. The story of, well obviously, Lucy Hatch a recently widowed woman and her journey back to life from a stable but emotionless marriage. She moves back to her hometown and falls deeply amazingly passionately in love with a man, Ash, who feels entirely the same way. Well written love scenes. A wrenching depiction of Lucy's grief.

There is a second installment in the story of Lucy and Ash that I hope to read as well, called The Last of the Honky Tonk Angels.

The old switcher-oo

After I've finished reading a book I really enjoyed I find it difficult to get into the flow of a new one. It's as if that old book is so burnished into my brain and the words of that author are the only ones I can process and all others be damned.

Book 3 of 2010 started with difficulty this weekend. I kept having to re-read sentences and start paragraphs over again. The sentences seemed to scatter into word pieces in my brain that I could not put back together into a logical flow. Wait now her husband died...how, wait now she's...a widow, wait now she's living alone...where, I duh huh?

Am I the only one?

Oh and about the meds

Just before Thanksgiving I decided to stop taking the anti-depressants entirely. No more half dose for me. The timing of it was fairly odd because it was right before the holidays which is of course a notoriously stressful time for most people. And having Thanksgiving with both of my parents for the first time in 15 years I should have been upping my dosage not stopping it entirely. But I just knew it was the right thing to do. I can't really even tell you why.

At first it was a bit like the when I cut my dosage but slightly different. I had these strange electric shock feelings every so often. They have stopped since then, which I'm very glad for because it was kind of uncomfortable.

So that's me, med free and feeling good.

And a Two

Stayed up late last night and finished my second book of 2010, The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski. From the moment I started reading it I just had to finish it. It's the story of a mid-30's woman (June) who gives a new acquaintance (Marissa) a ride home and they end up in a car accident which kills Marissa. The whole story surrounds June trying to complete a To Do list that Marissa had written before her death.

The style reminded me a lot of Monica McInerney who's books I really love. The people are well written and the story progresses with a great flow. Really recommend it.

Back again; 2010 book reading begins

Went away again didn't I? Not even sure what I wrote here last. So let's just start again, shall we?

Had a pretty good holiday. Dad came to visit for Thanksgiving. We painted my bedroom ceiling and walls. Took a while for me to get used to the wall color. It's an apple green. Still trying to find a duvet cover that works with the wall color and the new drapes I chose. The drapes are a dark gray. Also need to get myself an actual dresser. Haven't found anything that I like quite yet. Christmas was good too. I was a PMS crazed lunatic right before New Year's so I was asleep by 10:30. Oh well to that one.

Tally's doing really well. Still a sweetie and staying healthy. Yeah!

On January 3rd I hit Half Price Books and walked away with 9 books for less than $40. Made me so stupidly happy to have that many books waiting to be read next to my bed. Just finished the first one of the pile on the bus ride home tonight. It was The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King. It is the first of a series and I'm looking forward to reading the next ones. The story involves a young woman and her friendship and partnership with Sherlock Holmes. Really well done and worth reading. I'm glad that Peter suggested it. And that I finally found it at HPB.

Not sure which book I'll start next. I'll have to see what interests me on the pile before bed tonight. I shall try to keep up and not stay away so long again.