Thursday, December 20, 2007

Where have you been?

I've been avoiding this little space for the past few weeks. Why? Because I don't know what to do with it. I feel like I want to use it as a place to put my in-between therapy session thoughts. But that feels overwhelming. Putting my thoughts out in the electronic jungle for anyone to find seems wrong, odd, strange, selfish, and an invitation for pity. I don't want pity from the electronic ether. I do want to feel like a part of something larger than myself, however. That's what a blog seems like to me.

All of those blogs that I have discovered in the past several months have entertained, inspired, and entranced me. They have put their lives out there for us all and seem to love it. Why can't I?

I suppose this is part of why I'm in therapy. All of my self-esteem issues all rolled up into an electronic manifestation. What do I hope to get out of putting my thoughts here for you to read? Do I want your praise and worship? No. I want to feel like a part of something more than myself.

But how do I get over the doubt and fear? How do I just write here and not worry about what you might think? Sundry mentioned this morning that she still feels this way and she's been blogging forever. She's actually one of my blogging idols. Her real approach to the world and the words she writes are inspiring every day. I would stalk her, and sort of do, if that weren't ridiculously creepy.

Shall I resolve for 2008 to let this blog be whatever I want it to be with no fear and worry? I'd say that sounds like a very good idea. Love it when a plan comes together.

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