Went to a therapy appointment today and had a bit of a breakthrough. It was something that I don't want to forget and that hasn't sunk in completely but I really want it to. I'm hoping that by writing it down here I'll be reminded and it will really attach itself to my brain.
I only have to work at and put effort into the things that I want. I don't have to give my effort and attention to the things that aren't right for me. It's OK to stop doing something that doesn't fit me. Example: My job. It's not right for me. I've known that since almost day 1 but I thought I should keep on trying. I thought (still sort of think) that I'm supposed to keep at it. That if I try hard enough and work at it long enough it will be what I want, that it will feel right and be the right fit for me. It's the same way I dealt with and felt about my relationship with him. It was the situation I was in so I had to keep working at it. I couldn't just let it go or give it up even though it wasn't right and didn't suit me.
My friends all knew that he wasn't giving me what I wanted and so did I. I just thought it was because I needed to keep working at it. If I just tried this or that tactic it would change and be what I wanted. How self-righteous is that? That somehow I have the magical power to make all people and all situations the way I want them to be. The way they would feel right for me.
My therapist used a great analogy that equated it to clothing. I wouldn't buy a sweater that didn't fit me and wasn't what I wanted so why would I put up with that in a relationship? I mean if a sweater was too short, or was too long would I try to fix it to how I wanted it to fit me? No I'd put it back on the shelf and go looking for another sweater.
So why did I spend so much of my energy struggling to make a relationship that didn't fit into something that would? He's fine with himself the way he is but he wasn't fine for me. So what? That's my fault not his.
This job is what it is. My boss is who he is. The company is going to run and progress the way he wants it to and it should because it's his company! But it doesn't fit me. It's not what I want.
It's OK to find the things in life that I like, that fit me and that I want. Things: jobs, relationships. I don't have to be a part of a situation that doesn't fit me. I don't have to change a job or a person in order for them to fit me. There are so many different options out there why not find the one that does fit. Or at least find a situation where all of the good far outweighs anything that doesn't fit exactly. I can't expect everything to fit and function perfectly to my thoughts and desires each and every second. Of course I'll have ideas about how something "should" be or I would like it to be, but that doesn't guarantee that I'm right and that it HAS to be that way.
In fact I shouldn't try to change anyone else because I'm guaranteed to be disappointed when they don't meet my ideas of what they should be. They are who they are and if that's alright for them then it should be more than good enough for me. But if we don't fit we just don't fit. That's OK. And I should expect it. Not every person in the world will be right for me. Not every job I take will be a fit for me.
I spent 7 and a half years in my last job and I never thought I would make it a year. But I kept struggling and trying and putting in effort after effort. I've been here 10 months and I know it's not right either. I want something different. Do I know exactly what I want? No. But I am guaranteed to not find it if I don't keep looking.
So go on out there and keep trying on relationships and jobs. You never can tell which one will fit like that perfect sweater. As a matter of fact I could use a new sweater. :)