Gotta get it out

Today has not been going well for me. I seem to be on the edge an barely hanging on.

For the past week and a half I've been dealing with some annoying medical issues which are eating away at my ability to cope. Being in pain the majority of the time really starts to get overwhelming. Right now the medical outlook seems like I might just have to learn to deal with it rather than there being anything actually "wrong" with me. Nothing to fix I just have to deal. Well my coping skills are malfunctioning terribly.

Dad's coming the end of next week to see all of us because he has some things to tell us in person and not over the phone. Nothing in there sounds like a good sign. I don't know how I'll deal with what I assume is about to happen. Again lacking coping skills, big time.

I'm seeing Carol tomorrow which is great and I'm very glad but... I'm just so tired.

I'm so tired of this job. The new system still does not have all of the kinks worked out of it and I just found out that my boss is taking all next week off. I just got off the phone with someone who was very angry with the format of the tests and it was apparently all my fault that they were annoying him.

I'm so tired of being constantly uncomfortable. My intestines are not right.

I'm so tired of my family not being what I need, especially her. I actually had to stop her from talking about herself so that I could tell her about the procedure that's happening on Tuesday. She wasn't even going to ask anything about me. I called her so it must have been all about her.

I'm just so tired.

I want to feel better. I want to be happy. I want to have fun and live life. I want so many things but every time I think I just might be getting a tiny bit closer to any of that I take 700 steps backwards. It's so exhausting to continually fight this feeling and try to keep moving forward. Right at this moment I can't even seem to think straight about any of it.

Poor Jess is going to get the brunt of it tonight because she so graciously invited me to come over after work. Thank you Jess and I'm sorry.

If only there was a switch to flip. A way to just be ok. I would so love to have that switch. Right now I feel permanently in the off position. Off in so many ways.