Now I've got a nervous tum

I've completed an application with The Big Dog Project to adopt a dog. Specifically a gorgeous little 2 year old girl named Kelly. She's a Lab Mix and I've fallen for her. There are no guarantees that I'll get to adopt her because she's meeting with another interested family this weekend. But I'm hoping that I'll be able to work with the people at The Big Dog Project to find the right dog for me. There's also another little dog in their care called Lin Lin. She's a little Shepherd Mix tripod. One of her back legs had to be amputated. She looks like a dear little girl as well. So no matter what I win. :)

That brings me to the matter of my nervous stomach. I am nervous that the people at The Big Dog Project won't like me. Silly, I know, but still I'm all full of nerves. Nervous that I won't be a good doggy mom like I so desperately want to be. Nervous that for some reason or other I won't be able to find a dog that loves me. All around nervous.

They asked me for some references so I asked Mel, Ed and Briana. Thankfully they've agreed. Well, I haven't talked to Ed but Mel agreed so that covers a reference from Rudy. Briana agreed too which gives me a reference from Harrington.

When I told my boss yesterday that I was applying to adopt a dog his response was "You don't want to get a dog." Why do you suppose people say things like that? Why do they say that I don't want something when it's really that they don't want it? Do I do that to people? Do I dismiss their wants and desires because of my own thoughts on the subject? I hope that I don't. I hope that I didn't inherit that trait from my dad.

One of the toughest parts of relating to my dad has always been that if something wasn't his idea or his opinion on a subject then it just wasn't worth consideration. Speaking to him last weekend it seems like he may have had an awakening to this trait and be remorseful about it. I very much hope so. I hope that he will be able to accept the free exchange of ideas and not be dismissive of the opinions of the people in his life. I hope. Like my boss he also thought that I shouldn't get a dog saying that it wouldn't be fair to the dog and that I'm not home enough. Truth is he doesn't know my schedule. He's not home enough for a dog. I am home all of the time.

So far those are the only two people who have said that I shouldn't get a dog. Everyone else has been very excited for me and thinks that it is a great idea. Well, I think so too. Even if it does make me have a nervous stomach.

The Ugh's have taken hold

Things with family have calmed down a bit. I'm slowly acclimating to the fact that things have changed. I'm certainly not happy about any of it but perhaps it's just starting to feel more real and less like a horrid nightmare.

Things with my guts are the same. Still annoying and rather flatulent. Did I just over share? Sorry. But I've been practically pouring fiber down my throat every time my mouth opens so I guess the excess air is a result. I'm planning on seeing a dietitian at some point. Not sure why I'm putting it off. Perhaps my fears of food have made me fearful of talking about it with someone else. Either way I suppose I can't keep guessing at what might help forever. I do need to find/create/develop some sort of focused strategy. Ugh. Sounds like so much work it makes me tired just thinking about it.

Then there's the dog. I have been looking via the lovely internet for pooches at local shelters. So far no one has struck me. I'm sure if I saw any of them in real physical form I'd fall in love with each and every one. At some point I need to work up the courage to actually visit a shelter.

The job is not getting any better. No surprise there. I'm scared to move on but I know that I absolutely have to. This place does not suit me at all. I'm way too social to be satisfied to working with only 2 or 3 other people. Right now there is just two of us here. I've got my iPod shoved into my ears to drown out the boredom of it all. Another Ugh.

Molly is working on a bid for getting insulation added to our common wall in the house. This weekend she also got another Landscape guy out about the patio. I liked this guy much more than the other one we talked to. He'll fit our budget much better too. I think he'll be able to start some time mid-March or so. Patio!!!!

Haven't done anything about dating for the past week or so. Just don't feel up for it.

How many items have I now listed that I just don't want to deal with? Food, Job, Dating. Thankfully I'm seeing Carol tomorrow. Things are always better once she and I hash them out together. I really hope that will happen again this time.

What a boring and rather depressing post. At least it looks like the sun is trying to burn through the clouds out there. That's good. Spring is trying to push it's way in and I'm glad for that.

For now I'm off to feed myself. Hunger is getting the better of me. But what should I eat? Ugh.

I'm going to get a dog

I have wanted a dog forever. I love dogs. I grew up with dogs and I think they are fantastic.

Until now I was never willing to put in the time and effort I knew it would take to have a dog. Well I'm ready now.

I took a quiz that I found on this site. According to my answers to their 10 question quiz my top matches are the Whippet and the American Eskimo. Unfortunately, I don't think that either of these breeds really fit what I think I'm looking for in a dog.

Another quiz I found using Google says that my top choices are a Beagle and a Border Terrier. These two seem closer to my idea of what I want.

I found another site that said I should get a Schnoodle. The name alone puts me off them but good god some of them are adorable!!!

So I'm going to get a dog. Final breed(s) to be determined. I suspect once I go looking I'll find the right one for me.

There is nothing "wrong"

There is nothing "wrong" with me. According to blood tests, a CT scan and a Colonoscopy there is nothing wrong with my large intestine. That should be a relief and I suppose on one hand it is. But on the other then why do I feel this way?

I'm frustrated about having to go through all of those tests just to find out that I'm fine. There is nothing that my GI specialist can do for me except help to manage my symptoms with a variety of medicines. He suggested foods to stay away from which I already do. He also said that perhaps my symptoms will just go away on their own.

I wanted, really wanted, a definitive answer. That matches my personality so I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that at all. I wanted a final solution. I love being able to solve something. Like Algebra you get to solve for X and you're done. So elegantly simple and beautiful. I wanted to be able to change one thing or other that I was doing "wrong" and it would make everything better. That magic solve for X solution to my ills.

Life doesn't always have a magic one single solution to its problems, I do realize that. But considering how low I've been feeling lately I really could have used that in this scenario. At least one item on my list would have been an easy fix.

Right now there are several items that are bothering me and that I'm not able to solve easily. They will all take a lot of effort, focus and attention to get through. I just wish things were easier. I wish dating was simple or that finding a new job was simple or that solving my intestinal issues was simple. Couldn't one thing be simple?

Gotta get it out

Today has not been going well for me. I seem to be on the edge an barely hanging on.

For the past week and a half I've been dealing with some annoying medical issues which are eating away at my ability to cope. Being in pain the majority of the time really starts to get overwhelming. Right now the medical outlook seems like I might just have to learn to deal with it rather than there being anything actually "wrong" with me. Nothing to fix I just have to deal. Well my coping skills are malfunctioning terribly.

Dad's coming the end of next week to see all of us because he has some things to tell us in person and not over the phone. Nothing in there sounds like a good sign. I don't know how I'll deal with what I assume is about to happen. Again lacking coping skills, big time.

I'm seeing Carol tomorrow which is great and I'm very glad but... I'm just so tired.

I'm so tired of this job. The new system still does not have all of the kinks worked out of it and I just found out that my boss is taking all next week off. I just got off the phone with someone who was very angry with the format of the tests and it was apparently all my fault that they were annoying him.

I'm so tired of being constantly uncomfortable. My intestines are not right.

I'm so tired of my family not being what I need, especially her. I actually had to stop her from talking about herself so that I could tell her about the procedure that's happening on Tuesday. She wasn't even going to ask anything about me. I called her so it must have been all about her.

I'm just so tired.

I want to feel better. I want to be happy. I want to have fun and live life. I want so many things but every time I think I just might be getting a tiny bit closer to any of that I take 700 steps backwards. It's so exhausting to continually fight this feeling and try to keep moving forward. Right at this moment I can't even seem to think straight about any of it.

Poor Jess is going to get the brunt of it tonight because she so graciously invited me to come over after work. Thank you Jess and I'm sorry.

If only there was a switch to flip. A way to just be ok. I would so love to have that switch. Right now I feel permanently in the off position. Off in so many ways.

Not sure who I'd vote for

Since Super Tuesday is tomorrow I feel as though I should know who I would vote for, but I don't. However, this video I found over at Design Crush makes me hopeful that this election really can and will make a difference.

Here's to hope!

It was a busy busy weekend.

This weekend I had two dates with two different guys (I'm a DATER!) and did some shopping on both Friday and Sunday.

I had realized on Friday night that the rug in my living room is not holding up like I want it to and now that I have Troy and Darby it just doesn't look right. On Friday night I went to UVillage to see if I could find any interesting rugs and I was also on the hunt for throw pillows or a throw as well. Didn't buy anything for the living room but I did buy a new pair of jeans which I wore all weekend and I'm wearing right now. Thank you Eddie Bauer!

I did find a rug at Crate and Barrel that I can't get out of my head which taking as a good sign. It's the Genesis rug. On Sunday while at the downtown Seattle Macy's I looked through their rug selection and I kept comparing them all to the Genesis. So Genesis it is. Of course I reserve the right to change my mind but at this very moment I'm thinking Genesis and I will be joining forces. I love calling my things by their names. It makes me laugh.

Macy's was having a Home Sale so I thought I would look for new sheets too. I found a set of Martha Stewart all cotton sheets that are 360 thread count in a color called Pear. They are a bright green and look great. I'm not ecstatic with how they feel even after I washed them and I'm really hoping they will soften up over time. The color is gorgeous but doesn't go well with my winter duvet cover. It might be time to get a new duvet cover since I've had it for a while and doesn't seem to be "me" anymore. Have to wait and see about that. I'm hoping the color goes with my summer quilt. I'll have to check that out tonight.

On Saturday afternoon I finally put the decals on my bedroom window. I think it looks really cool. Like shadows being cast by some odd contemporary plants. They make the window seem less like a frosted hole in the wall. I'll get a picture up soon.

I'm really happy with how the weekend went. This week has also started off on a good footing because I made it passed my goal weight for the work weight loss bet. Final weigh in is on Monday the 11th. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Therapy on Thursday and I have another assignment. I'll write about that a bit later.