Un-Conscious Choices

This last Sunday I spent the majority of the day sleeping. I woke up around 7 to walk Tally then about an hour later fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at about 10:30 when Molly called. Then again about an hour or two later was asleep for another few hours. This schedule continued the entire day. I wasn't sick. I hadn't been out really late the night before. There wasn't any reason that I can think of that I "needed" to get this much sleep. I just couldn't keep myself awake.

Well wait that's not entirely true I probably could have stayed awake but I really had no desire to. If I was sleeping I didn't have to deal with anything which was exactly what I wanted. What you might ask should I have been dealing with that day? The two most evil things in my life at this time; laundry and searching for a new job.

Well wait that's not entirely true either. I'm such a little fibber today. The truth is I'm sure I could have done laundry, it was the job searching I just couldn't bring myself to face. Laundry annoys me to no end but it's not entirely evil. I enjoy having clean clothes and my closet filled with options every morning. This morning I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear so I'm in jeans and a college sweatshirt. Yes, I can wear what ever I want to work (thank you jeebus) but I'd rather be wearing something a bit less frumptastic than that.

The mere thought of job searching on Sunday caused me hide and kept me hiding in the Land of Naps the entire day. I only woke that day to eat and pet/walk Tally. Why does searching for a job cause me such stress and turmoil you might ask? Good lordy that's an excellent question. One without a simple short answer. But I shall try to explain it. I'm afraid. Afraid of not being able to find anything else or anyone else who would want to hire me. Afraid for finding a place (god forbid) that is worse than where I currently am. Afraid that I'll fail. Big old fashioned fear invades every single aspect of looking for a job.

The very best thing about leaving my last job was that I didn't have to look for a new job right away. I had spent 7+ years at that workplace and hated nearly every minute of it. That's a hell of a long time to be at something you hate, huh? It was all of that damn fear that kept me immobilized and stuck there in its never ending suckitude. When I quit I decided that I'd take a break, sort of a mental health holiday to recover from it all. I worked part time for a friend which was a TON of fun but really all I did was a whole lot of nothing. Then I "found" this job or more accurately it found me. So I didn't really have to worry about the fear the job search just sort of happened with very little effort on my part. It was so great until it wasn't.

It was great because I didn't have to face any of my fears or self-doubts. Great because it was so low stress and easy which was the exact opposite of the previous work place. I loved that part of it. Oh and then there was the jeans every day thing too. I was practically in nirvana. And then I wasn't.

I've written enough here previously about boss and his suckitudeness. See this place is not working for me but that fear keeps tripping me up and keeps me lying prone on the couch for entire days at a time. So what am I going to do about it? I'm still afraid. Always have been and probably always will be. But I've got to keep that fear from stopping me completely. The desire to get out of this situation has to beat the fear in a one-on-one cage match to the death. Or perhaps just a few thumb wrestling matches every so often.

So last night I tried. I actually sat at my computer, opened my resume, pretended to reformat it for a while and then stopped. Not exactly a stellar beginning but a beginning and I'm giving myself at least a small about of praise for it.

This morning when I got to work I decided I would try to cut myself out of this place. I'm going to try to pull all of the personal enjoyment out of my time here. That may seem like a bad idea but I think it might work. I'm no longer going to be reading any of the blogs I adore so much while here at work. I'm no longer going to do those little searches for various furniture or doggie items while here. In short, while I'm at work I'm going to work. That's it. Well, crap that's not entirely it because I'm writing in here right now. But it's my lunch break dammit so there.

My hope is that by ridding this place of any trace of amusement I'll be able to overcome the fears and really search for a new job. Finding a new job is what I really want. I deserve to have what I really want. Now why do I feel like I might just throw up on my keyboard?