The dates of 08 (and end of 07)

For the past week or so I've been chronicling the dates I've been on over the past year or so in my head. It's quite a long list and I thought that it would be better to put it into written form here rather than waste all of that precious brain space.

So here goes:
December 20th, 2007
Date 1 & 2 - Guy from Speed Dating Event #1. Date One was at the Seattle Art Museum. He was a half an hour or so late. Date Two was dinner at Mama's Mexican Kitchen and then walk around Belltown. Ending up Speed Dating him at the next event even though I had gone through all of the trouble of saying no thank you already. Ugh.

Date 3 - Another guy from Speed Dating Event #1. Tried to go bowling but it was league night. Went to drinks/apps in Ballard instead. Never heard from him again.

Date 4 - Guy from match.com. I just went through my old sent emails to find him. Would never have remembered. Met @ Peet's in Fremont. Barely any recollection of him at all. Yikes.

Date 5 - Guy from Speed Dating Even #2. Met him for dinner @ The Garage. He then emailed and said that he wasn't up for dating right now.

Date 6 & 7 - Another guy from Speed Dating Event #2. Met for coffee on first date and went to the Frye Art Museum for second date. Then I totally flaked and cancelled on him for our scheduled third date because I just could not bring myself to go. We were supposed to go see a band a the Showbox.

Date 8 - Friend of Mel's friend (I think). Walked around Green Lake on a dreadfully rainy day. I had just gotten Tally and was very preoccupied with her on the walk. I emailed him and he said that he'd like to be friends but there wasn't a spark. I said I have enough friends.

Date 9 - Guy from match.com. Met at Duke's @ Green Lake. He was a half an hour late. He was a teacher I think. He was really interested in telling me how smart he was. I never contacted him again.

Date 10 & 11 - Went geocaching twice with a friend who wanted to see if we could be more.

Date 12 - Heather's standmate from Orchestra. We met in Kirkland for tea and a walk along the water front. I emailed him and he replied with a LONG email and said there wasn't a spark. I didn't email him back.

Date 13 & 14 - Teacher from Mel's school. First date was dinner @ a tiny little Italian place and then a walk around Ravenna Park. Second date was high school soccer game and a Thai restaurant by his apartment. Third date was scheduled but then it just felt like we had no reason to go out again. Told him so and he agreed.

Date 15 - A guy from match.com. We met for drinks at the 74th Street Ale House. He is not what I was expecting. He emailed a few times. Last time was just today telling me that I should have at least responded to his emails. Just couldn't think of what to say to him so I didn't email anything. Oh well.

So there you have it. 15 dates in 11 months. Seemed like a lot but now that I put it out there in written form it doesn't. Strange.

She's brilliant!

After reading my last post Amy sent me an email with a brilliant idea. She said that when she feels similarly she makes a list of the things that she can feel grateful for in her life. So in honor of her brilliance I am going to give it a try.

I am grateful:

• For my friends, like Amy, who really truly care for and about me.
• Tally, who always has a wagging tail to greet my arrival.
• For my new car and its seat warmers.
• That I have money in the bank and a zero balance on my credit card.
• That I am listening to my iPod right now.
• That we will have a Democrat in the White House again.
• That because of facebook I've gotten back in touch with a few people that I have really missed having in my life.
• For the raisins I'm currently snacking on.
• For Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm.
• That I can read on the bus.
• For my morning cup of Chai.
• That I live in Seattle.

I started writing this nearly an hour ago and can't think of anything else right now. Perhaps I'll have some inspriation later and can add on to it then. Thanks again Amy!

Release

My frustration is boiling over. People need me to tell them when things are going to be done. I have no way at all of being able to give them that information. People want help with their questions about how/what/why that I have no possible way of answering. I'm a PM with no way to M.

I'm not in charge of anyone and yet I'm in charge of the work they are supposed to do. I'm supposed to have the answers but I can't even make them perform the tasks, they do not work for me. Boss is out today. One of the tech's went to part-time. Another is on long term leave. Another is home fighting a fever. I have two people to "manage" but they don't report to me. I can't tell them what to do or how to spend their time.

The salesreps want to know when and all I can say is I have no idea. I have no idea when the item the customer wants will be completed. I have no tools to use. I have no people to throw at your issues.

I usually don't feel this powerless at work. This job has been a good thing for me for the most part. Yes, I did cry at work last week but that was because of those other pesky things. Those other things I deal with or don't deal with outside of here. Today I feel pointless. I feel as though I could leave and no one would even pay any mind. Tally would most certainly notice if I were home today but nope, I'm here feeling like I have no reason to be.

Today I'm feeling large and frumpy as well. Such a lovely combination; large, frumpy, pointless and powerless. Makes you want to be me, right? Really who wouldn't.

I've been focused on the bad and the sad again lately. Halloween weekend was awful and I've been fighting against it ever since. There was that evening Tuesday November 4th that was pretty damn fantastic but unfortunately that feeling has proved fleeting. I'm feeling my eyes close over again. I'm not seeing the life and things around me again. But then again I'm sitting here writing about it. So maybe that is progress. But it really feels like I should just be sending out invitations to Emily's Pity Party. Not a party I want to attend but I can't figure out a way to leave.

Going off the pill has succeeded in making me feel more hormonal in a more active way. I want some contact in a way I've never really felt before. And with nothing looming on the horizon in that department, let's just say frustration is quickly taking over.

I spent a billion dollars at the grocery store yesterday in the hopes that I would be able to start eating better again. Perhaps that will help. I keep thinking about exercising and that's where that stops. The couch wins against that thought each time.

Can I make anything different just by wanting it to be different? Does fake it till you make it really work? What power do I have? What can I change? It's times like this where it feels like I have no control at all. I'm not the one who says what will and what will not happen. I'm not in charge.

Less and More

After a lengthy personal discussion I've decided to stop taking one of my medications. Since I still have allergies I'm still taking that pill. Since I still seem to need my happy pills I'm still taking that pill. But it's that little pill mostly referred to as "The Pill" that I decided to remove from my daily repertoire.

For the past several (many) months I've been feeling like the pill was letting me down. I've been on the same version for about 3 years perhaps longer. I was going to talk to my Dr about switching to another type and then on Carol's suggestion thought maybe I should try going off it entirely. Since it's main duty does not need to be fulfilled at this point in time it seemed like a good idea to try.

I'm on day three of no pill. So far I don't think I've noticed any change. Not sure when I should.

And on the more category, I've joined facebook. Such a crazy place! I joined on Thursday of last week and already have 75 friends. No idea if this is a lot but it sure seems like it. Many, in fact most of them are people I knew in high school. Some people I've known since Elementary school. It's a bit surreal to see what all of these people are doing now and get updates on them. Perhaps it will calm down a bit after a few more weeks and I'll settle in to it. But for now I'm finding it an odd odd place.

Attitude equals the crapper etc. etc. etc.

My attitude is in the old horrid today. Perhaps it started last night or maybe it attached itself this morning. I am not knowing where, when or why. What I'd really like to know is how to make it improve? What method can I use to drag it from its lowly position and back to something I recognize as a workable version of me?

Eating tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich for lunch while reading "The life of Pi" didn't help. A shot of vanilla bean ice cream with caramel sauce from Tully's didn't help. Well perhaps it helped a little because when does ice cream not help at all? Never that's when.

Now I've plugged my ears with my iPod and I'm hoping that music will help to calm my currently savage soul.
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Tally ran away from me last night. OK she didn't so much run away from me as run off like a shot after some squirrels and a cat that were across the street. Because I'm thick skulled and don't learn, I had let her out so we could walk across the patio to give Molly the mail we had collected while she was gone. All of 20 feet without her collar and leash on. It's not a good idea. When will I learn that? Perhaps last night was the last time I'll do it. I seriously hope so. I had to quickly hand Molly the stuff I had in my hands, corral Tally in a corner, pick her up and carry her 30 pound self home. Oh and to top it off there was a lovely elderly lady across the street who took this precise moment to tell me "You know there's a leash law! Don't get me wrong I like dogs, I just don't want them shitting in my lawn." To which I said "This was not on purpose. I do not want her off leash at your house. And I assure you that she does not shit on your lawn." Ugh.

To make matters worse I then dropped Tally back in the house and like a child I slammed the front door behind me. Or so I thought. My stupid front door doesn't actually close correctly so all it did was swing back open and out Tally came after me. I was nearly beside myself at this point so I took her down onto her side and held her there until we had both calmed down. Cesar Millan would not have been impressed with me at that moment. I was not calm assertive in any way shape or form. Well, I wasn't hysterical or anything but I was definitely worked up as the door slamming is evidence of.

Tally is such a great dog in so many ways. She's so very loving and gentle. I adore her. I just wish that I wouldn't forget she's still a dog. Squirrel and cats are just too much for her to ignore. She has to have them (Oh and geese too but those are much less likely to cross our paths). She's a dog. She's a dog. She's a dog. Got that? You'd better because one of these times there might be a car crossing that street at the same time she does and you'll be picking up the pieces.
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I can't get myself to work on the dating side of my life. I can't bring myself to write back to the guy who emailed me from match or the two who winked at me. I can't do it. How do I do it?

Here's more of me

I spent nearly two full days of this week home sick. Sick with what? I cannot even quantify it for you. It was an illness of unknown origin that started on Sunday afternoon when my shingle (the rash spot on my neck) started to itch. Monday I felt all a jittery and a buzz (see previous post) and then on Tuesday I felt like the floor of a city bus. I lasted all of two hours at work and then made my way slowly home via the bus.

When I finally got home Tally was quite excited to see me. However, she was not happy with me that I went straight to bed for the next four hours. Every hour or so she would come in and perform her little protest of my prostrate position. When I told her in a firm voice "No" she would turn around and walk away but always to return. Finally, her adorableness was too much and I decided to get up and join her in the living room. On Wednesday I realized that I was in no position to go into work and didn't even try. I did make it to the living room and tried to nap in there on the couch. Again Tally performed her protest of my sleeping position this time by nudging my head with her nose and even one time licking the inside of my ear. It was the inside of the ear lick that got me this time not her cute little mug.

Yesterday I made it to work the entire day and only started to feel the pain near the very end, which makes me quite happy. Today I'm feeling nearly 100% (or as close to it as I generally come) which is great. Just in time for a fun filled weekend!

Tomorrow I get to watch the little J-man while Jess and Josh are both at work. I cannot wait! I haven't seen him in WAY too long and it will be a great way to spend my Saturday afternoon. Saturday night my mom is going to stay with me and we are going to grab dinner where Matt works. Mom hasn't been there yet and she wants to check out the new swanky digs her son is working at. Not sure what I'll do Sunday yet but the weather is supposed to be great so I'm hoping to spend it outside.

Later skaters! Have a great weekend!!!

My own internal buzz

Shall I just pick up where I left off? I would but I'm not entirely sure where I left off here. I've been gone for a while and so rather than try to figure it out I'll just start spilling some things and see what sticks.

On Labor Day weekend I bought a whole big lot of fun stuff. Started with a Roomba on Saturday. Oh Roomba how I love thee and your dirt sucking nature. Then there was the Wii on Sunday. Oh Wii and Lego Star Wars how I adore thee and your time sucking nature. And then there was the Volkswagen Tiguan on Monday. Oh Tiguan how I worship thee and your... well... nothing sucks about you oh Tiguan of my dreams.

Since then the majority of September has slipped by and I have hardly noticed its passing (blame it on the Wii). How did it get to be the first day of fall 2008? I mean wasn't Y2K just yesterday?

I did get a few things done around the house. Nothing earth shattering like taking down walls, that would be so fall 2007. This time it was those tiny little things that sit undone and mock you in their undone-ness every time you pass them. Edging the front planting beds with the leftover patio pavers being one. And the partial weeding of the "backyard" being another.

Nothing new on the foot or should I say toe front. I'm thinking of getting a second opinion but am going to wait until after I start on the insurance plan at new workplace which is October 1st. My shingle outbreak started to itch yesterday for no reason at all that I can determine when it hasn't bothered me in quite a while. Today I feel as though I forgot to take my meds but I'm nearly certain I did. The "forgot my meds" feeling is one of a nearly panic attack like jittery going to bust out of my skin at any moment type of thing. Perhaps this is why I'm actually taking the time to write. That and Amy said I should. (Hi Amy!)

At this very moment Tally could be at home filling it with poo. She has never gone two walks in a row without a numero 2 except last night and then this morning. It makes me nervous. Perhaps my attempt at getting her poo to a better consistency..... Wait am I oversharing about my dogs poo? Feel free to skip this paragraph if you'd rather not have all of these details. See she has this issue with her anal glands filling up and then needing to be squeezed or un-filled. You know that they need to be attended to because she starts dragging her little behind on everything and anything. Molly's legs not included, she just licks those. Anyway I digress. I've had to bring her in twice so far for anal gland attention and in order to try to alleviate that I was told to add some fiber to her diet. Benefiber was my fiber additive of choice. So far she loves it when I add the Benefiber and licks her bowl clean afterwards but there had been no change in her habits and output. And then last night and this morning there was no output. Nervous. It makes me nervous.

Enough of that what else?? Oh I should be focusing on dating. Should be but am having a very tough time actually putting it into practice. The thought of dating makes me more nervous than Tally's bowels. I wish I wasn't single. I'd rather not be single. But the thought of doing anything at all about that situation brings me to tears (Right, Girls?). So is that why I feel like I forgot my meds today? It's just a physical reaction to my mental struggle with the world of dating? If you have an answer for that I will pay you much hard earned cash monies.

So I believe you may have had quite enough from this insane person today so I shall sign off for now. Hopefully I shall return sooner rather than later.

Ugh, I am falling apart

I now have a diagnosis of my foot pain. I saw a podiatrist this morning and I have developed (am developing) osteoarthritis in my big toe(s). It is more pronounced in my right foot but also a bit in my left as well. I'm a bit on the bummed side about this because well it's a bummer. I have a bone scan scheduled for Friday to get some more information about my feet and a follow up appointment with the podiatrist for Monday to go over the scan results. So anyway at least there's a bit of information about that. More as I know it.

And here's the other reason I'm falling apart. I was diagnosed on Monday with Shingles and not the ones you put on the roof of your house. Anyone who's had chicken pox can get shingles because they are caused by the same virus but still. You know it's not your week when one day you find out you have one disease and then to discover a day later that you have another.

So there's that. I'll say it again, Ugh.

Shop like a shopper

The high temperatures this week have been progressively climbing up the thermometer. Today's high is said to be near 90 and tomorrow as well.

So when getting ready for work today I wanted to wear an outfit that would be acceptable for the air-conditioned office and the non-air conditioned bus ride home. I decided on these really comfy chocolate brown capri's I bought last year at Lucy. But alas and alack I do not own the proper foot ware to accompany said comfy chocolate brown capri's. I made do with another pair of shoes but spent my morning in an unhappy foot ware state of mind. Then came lunch. On a whim, I walked the two blocks to the bus stop that would take me to where the shopping lives. It's only about 8 blocks and I've walked it before but today I was on a mission and didn't have the time to waste.

I hopped on the #3 bus and got off outside the downtown Macy's. Quick round through their shoe department turned up no good options. So back outside to head over to Nordstrom. A fly by of their shoe department yielded the perfect adorable chocolate brown Reef's. And yes I know that given my current foot pain I should not be wearing flip flops. 90 degrees people! Feet cannot be forced into shoes when it is 90 degrees outside. It just cannot be done.

Flip flops purchased, two blocks back to the bus, 8 blocks on the bus back to work. There and back with shoes purchased in a half an hour. Awesome. I even had a bit of money on a Nordstrom gift card that needed using. So all in all I'd say I made out like a thief.

Now here I sit in a Friday lull at work. People are on vacation, people are leaving early, and I am posting on this here blog. Hopefully Tally is enjoying her day and the house hasn't become a sweltering oven of 90 degree heat. Hope everyone has fantastic weekend plans ahead of them. Mine still involve dealing with the den. Perhaps some day I will have wonderful AFTER pictures to show you. I certainly hope so.

Where do I go?

I keep feeling as though parts of me disappear. I stop posting here and at the same time seem to stop paying attention to other areas of my life. It happens with regularity that I have yet to be able to pin point. Is it based on the phases of the moon? Or perhaps the phases of my cycle? Perhaps I should take a look back at my posts here. I'm positive that I've talked about this plenty of times before.

The song that shouldn't come up on shuffle on your iPod at this precise moment is Rhett Miller's "Come Around" with the refrain of "Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?" This is the thought that seems to pervade these times more than any other. It's the one that paralyzes me into inaction. I can't break out of the fear. The "lonely for the rest of my life" thought is too scary to face, so I face nothing. I hide from most everything. The dirty dishes start to pile up next to the sink. The clean dishes still fill the dishwasher. The den project cannot be tackled. I'm not moving forward or anywhere at all.

I invent reasons why I can't use my computer at home to work on my match.com situation. The room is too messy. The desk is too messy. I really should clean the kitchen first. Tally should really have a bath before I start that huge project.

The den has become a symbol for my dating life. Don't pay any attention to that place in that corner. Avoid it at all costs. Keep looking another direction, any other direction but not that one. Makes me wonder if the northwest corner of the house is the relationship corner in fung shui land. Do you know?

So what do I do? Carol says that I'm ready. To date that is. She thinks I'm ready to take it on. That I need to take it on. Well, I know that I need to but I just can't. I can't face it. It's too much. I'm mired down in an uncomfortable, spiky, painful place.

PMS is that you talking? If so, please go away soon.

Feet and other feelings

Today at lunch I walked the two blocks to the nearest drug store in search of the heel cup shoe inserts the Dr told me to get. No where on the wall of shoe inserts was a heel cup shoe insert that wasn't made of a ultra thick layer of super squishy silicone. Not quite what I wanted and I don't think it is what my Dr described to me either. So I decided, after much hemming and hawing, to purchase the Dr Scholl's tri-comfort orthotics. The package says they are "clinically proven pain relief for Heel, Arch, Ball-of-Foot, and Lower Back." So far I'm not sold. Or should I say soled. Ha Ha Ha. Next up on Project Footpain, the find yourself a podiatrist challenge.

And in the other feelings category I had a very strong reaction this morning to this post over at Pioneer Woman. For a very long couple of moments I felt an intense longing to have a baby. Now this is not necessarily a "new" thing for me. I've always known that I'd like to have kids but this was different. More intense and much more of a physical response then I have ever experienced before. Is this what people say when they hear their biological clock? It probably doesn't help that someone I've known since 5th grade also had her first baby this week.

So I have babies on the brain and no outlet for it. Perhaps I should try to find a date or ten so that it feels like I'm making head way in the whole life-partner portion of the have a baby dream. Now where did I put that match.com UserID and Password information?

The saga of the feet

So here's the much requested answer to what the Dr thinks is wrong with my foot... He doesn't know for sure. He wasn't completely without ideas. He instructed me to only wear my running shoes, not to walk around barefoot except in the shower and ice my foot every night. Then if in 5 days or so it's not getting better then I'm to go back and get an x-ray. So far it is not feeling better even after being really lazy and mostly off my feet this weekend. Which makes me think that I'm on my way to that x-ray. I also think I should try to find myself a podiatrist because I think that my feet hurt more often then they should. More often then most people's feet do. How often would you say your feet bother you?

Lightening poll.
Please comment and let me know in the course of a given week how often your feet bother you. I'd really like to know if I'm an oddity or more of a norm. Thank you!!

My day began this way

This morning I missed my bus. It's the second time I've done that since I started taking the bus to my new job. The first time it was really my fault because I pushed leaving the house too far just to see how far I could push it. This time it was only partially my fault. I left the house on time but my stupid foot kept me from walking quickly enough to get there on time. So I sat on the bench and waited for 20 minutes until the next bus.

The weather was practically perfect this morning and inspired me to try out the camera on the crackberry new workplace gave me. This was my view while I waited for the next bus.


Then there was the issue with my cup from Starbucks. There were two or three tiny holes in my cup that only started to leak as I rode the escalator up. So I had to walk all the way around to the down escalator to get a new cup. The barista even double cupped the new one but both of those cups also had holes in them which, since I'm apparently slow, I didn't actually notice until it started to leak all over my keyboard and desk.

Here's hoping that these are the only two set backs of my day. How's your Friday going so far?

Oh and about my stupid foot, I've got a Dr's appointment this afternoon. So there's that.

Brain lacking, thought difficult

I realized about an hour ago that I didn't have any caffeine this morning and that's why I have no brain cells currently in firing position. I'm blaming it on that because the other option is that I shouldn't eat Thai food for lunch and well, that is just not possible. So caffeine deficiency it is. So this afternoon I have been a blob of unproduction. Is unproduction a word? Spellcheck says no. Oh well.

Sundry's post today was exactly what I think all of the time. Those blog posts that I write in my head while walking Tally or eating dinner or riding the bus are always so eloquent and thought provoking. The pictures I would take if only I had my camera with me are always wonderful snippets of my life. But do you see any of those things here? Big old nope.

Of late all I have bored you (and myself) with are the ins and outs of the J-O-B. Well if that isn't enough to put you straight to sleep I don't know what is. Oh new idea. Write the most inane blog posts ever and market this space as a sleep aid. There might be money in that. You never know.

So for now I shall blame the caffeine or lack there of. And tomorrow perhaps I shall blame my new haircut. Always place blame squarely somewhere else. That's my motto.

Happy Tuesday!

When it doubt blog it out.

I'm having an odd morning. Nothing much is happening. I don't really have anything to really work on at the moment. There will be tasks assigned to me soon but those who might assign them are all in a meeting. The people shear number of people in said meeting lead me to believe that I should probably be in there too but since I was not invited here I sit. And since I did not want to sit and be entirely unproductive I thought I'd blog. But the truth is I don't have all that much to say. Perhaps I shall just ramble until work needs me. See how long that takes.

Let's start with a weekend recap shall we? Spent Friday night doing something which as of right this moment I cannot exactly recall. Must have been riveting good fun huh? Saturday I do definitely remember. The morning started out with an early wake up by little Miss bear dog. She's been a bit unsettled as of late. Not sure why exactly. Perhaps she needs more exercise. Perhaps she needs more mental stimulation? Perhaps she needs some of her mommies meds. I do not know. We had a rather nice morning walk through the community college and then back home for breakfast. Arrived back home to a voicemail from Amy with an invitation to go out to breakfast. I love me some restaurant breakfast so I quickly called her back and said hell yes I'm coming. Had a lovely breakfast of Buckwheat Pancakes and some/most of Amy's potatoes at Portage Bay Cafe. Then a plan was hatched that involved Denise and furniture shopping (Amy's most favorite activity ever!). We travelled over to West Seattle in search of the particular furniture store and found out it was Summer Fest in West Seattle. A large part of California Ave was blocked off and filled with a variety of odd booths and way too many bouncy houses for kids. We gladly strolled the booths and a couple of stores and spent time accosting the furniture store. Then we all felt that a beer or Margarita was definitely in order so we headed toward Alki none of us actually knowing what we would end up finding. We parked immediately and walked quite a while along the water only to find condo and house after condo and house with no eating establishments that didn't reek from a million miles away to be found. We turned around and tried to hatched another plan which then involved the deck at Pyramid Brewery. Denise and I gobbled up a bit of dinner and Denise and Amy got their sought after beers. My spicy black bean burger was so very good. Then we called it a day and I trotted back home to rescue the little Tally girl from her leg crossed pee pee dance. Another nice evening walk and back home for some couch time.

Sunday was much less full than Saturday. The night was even more sleepless than the one before. Tally seemed to be suffering from a bit of insomnia or something and woke me up at odd hours. I slept fitfully when I was asleep with strange dreams and anxious thoughts filling every moment. It took me a long time to really start my day on Sunday and in the end all I was able to accomplish was taking Tally to the pet store to pick up her food and a new collar/leash combo. I am really liking the new leash. It's from Red Dingo. And so is the collar. They have a great range of colors and I was going to get both in Orange but thought better of it and just got Red. Their leash handles are really comfortable. I'm, like I said, really liking it. Since I had/have nearly no food in the house I opted to have someone bring me my dinner and ordered pizza. It was good and I have the leftovers for lunch today. Is it lunch time yet? Once it got to early evening I thought I should finally deal with killing the bees that have made their home in the hole left when I removed the non-working door bell button. I found three dead bees this morning and think that I may have to do more killing this evening. Hopefully all done with no bees biting me. That would be bad.

And that's all the update I can think to post today. Happy Monday to all.

New job = no blogging on work hours; and etc.

The new job has left me with no time (except right this very moment) to blog during work hours. So that's where I went. Surprise that I actually have to work at new job rather than sit and do nothing like I was able to do at old job.

New job is going well. Only a few days in so it could all change but for now I'm having a good time. Starting to feel my way around and through all of the "processes" that I am supposed to be helping to sort out and streamline. Let me tell you it's going to take a whole lot of brain power on my part to determine the Standard Operation Procedures (SOP) around here. It is convoluted to say the very least. Even those people who have been here a while have no idea of what should happen when and what triggers what. It is a mess. I love sorting out messes.

Now for a non-job update. This weekend was a nice long one for me. Job was closed on Friday the 4th and I took an unpaid day off on Monday the 7th. Four days off did me some good. I had a pretty good 4th. Went to a pot-new where everyone has to bring something new that they've wanted to try making. There was a TON of good food. I had been dying for some sweet potato fries for a while and thought I would try making them myself. It was a shock but they actually turned out really good. Soggy but still oh so tasty. They got very favorable reviews from other party goers and were quickly finished off. I now have two official hits for potlucks: black bean and corn salsa (thanks to Liz for that recipe) and baked sweet potato fries. I'm nearly a gourmet cook.

As a general rule I am not a fan of the 4th of July. It's the normal people setting off fireworks all over the place that gets to me. I feel as though I am one split second away from getting blown to bits and it's almost more than I can handle. So I spent Saturday recovering from my trauma (no there wasn't any REAL trauma but my head thought there was) and nearly slept the day away. Tally was very sleepy as well so we were two bumps most of the day. Very nice. That evening I started to scrub my shower surround in preparation for sealing it. My shower surround is slate as is the floor and I'm nearly certain it was never sealed after its installation and before I bought the place.

So that brings me to Sunday where I actually sealed the slate and nearly died. If it weren't for Amy showing up and waking me from my slumber Tally and I may have succumbed to the fumes. Not really but apparently my house was uber-stinky and I didn't even realize it. Fast forward to Sunday night where I try to fall asleep with a raging headache most likely from all of the nearly dead brain cells trying to regenerate themselves. Ugh.

Monday was paint, patio set and plant buying day. Molly and I agreed very easily on the patio set and the plants. We even got the plants in the ground last night as well. I swear that I will get some pictures soon. Probably once the patio set is put together cause then it will look all pretty and stuff.

Today I am back into the swing of things at work or something like that. I'm also feeling very very very abnormally large. So tonight I am hoping to get up the courage to take Tally roller blading for the first time. Wish me luck.

I have missed you dear blog and I do apologize for my absence. I will pay more attention to you I pinkie swear.

Lasts and Firsts

Today is my last day at current workplace.

Today is my first day of being 34 years old.

What a big day this is for little old me.

Two pairs, nearly no waiting

I spend a lot of time at current job (only two whole days left!) surfing the web and other wise wasting time. Yesterday I decided that I needed to find some new shoes since I didn't find any this weekend. I started perusing Zappos because Britten had had good luck there. In no time I had three pairs in my shopping cart. I wasn't going to order all three but I wanted to be able to compare them all in one place, so in they went.

Then I sent Britten an email asking for her opinion based on the luck we'd experienced this weekend I knew I had to have her opinion. She liked them all. Uh oh. I scanned the three pairs again and removed one from my shopping cart and bought the other two. This was around Noon yesterday.

Last night I got a confirmation email from Zappos that they had shipped and since they loved me so much they were expediting my shipment and I'd get the shipment information shortly. Sure enough this morning I had an email containing the tracking number. Since I really enjoy watching the progress of my purchases (wait is that strange?) I checked it out. By god in heaven they were scheduled to arrive today! Can you even fathom that? Today as in the day after I decided to buy them.

The day went on, as days do, and I thought I'd check on my shoes once again. Delivered. What? DELIVERED! At 10:30 AM Seattle time my new shoes arrived at my house. Not yet 24 hours had passed since I'd hit the buy button and I had shoes. Well technically my front porch has the shoes and since I'm at work I won't get them until just before 5 but STILL!

Zappos if these shoes work I may just profess my undying love for you every day until I have spent every dime in my bank account because you deserve it you speedy delivery nearly instant gratification you. And if they don't work, well I'll just have to blame myself (and maybe Britten) but that will not tarnish you in my eyes Zappos. I will still adore your speed and responsiveness.

Obviously I'm made of money

It's the only thing that explains the sudden out flow of cash from my life. This weekend was a shopping extravaganza. Saturday 5 hours spent downtown with Britten lots of money spent and lots of great items to show for it. There are the MIRACLE jeans, all of these cute tops (several I cannot find on the website), and two pairs of Eddie Bauer shorts (which I can't link to because their site just doesn't want me to). So that's 1 pair of MIRACLE jeans, 5 tops, and two pairs of shorts. A stunning achievement in clothing purchasing for this gal.

And now a word about the MIRACLE jeans. They are not in fact called MIRACLE jeans but they should be. Britten and I both bought a pair because they looked really great on both of us. I mean REALLY great. These jeans also have the distinction of making every single other piece of clothing you are wearing look perfect on you. Britten and I started trying things on specifically with the jeans on because they really would make everything look better. I advise each and every one of you to go out right now and try on the MICHAEL Michael Kors Greenwich Stretch Jeans. I'm not kidding. Go now. They have them at Macy's. You can thank me later.

Enough about clothing, really all of that purchasing is noteworthy, but I now move on to the financial outlay from Sunday. One word: Target. This trip to Target was a big one. I have not filled a cart there in years! I bought an obscene amount of stuff. I "needed" to get a new set of sheets for the new item I will tell you about in the next paragraph. Oh and that item also "needed" a throw pillow and then these new curtains jumped into my cart too. I can tell you that the den/guest room is going to look adorable. As soon as it does I'll post a picture.

Last weekend is when the financial outlay began in full force. I bought the Troy Twin Sleeper. That purchase is what brought about the Target run. Troy the second is scheduled to arrive on the 28th (happy day after my birthday to me!) just in time for Liz to be the first to christen it's twin sleeperness.

That was my weekend in a nutshell. Stimulating the economy. It was great.

Just because I wanted to share

Right now I am sitting here at workplace listening to my iPod on shuffle and up popped the Rufus Wainwright song "Beautiful Child". I don't have the right words to describe how much I love this song. The shear amount of music and instrumentation in this piece actually makes my heart beat faster and my skin tingle. I feel like I can accomplish absolutely anything and everything when I hear this song. It's like I've just gotten a shot of adrenaline.

The various lyric sites have a few different versions of the words but here's the one that feels right to me. Enjoy!

"Beautiful Child"

When I am older than these small god damned hills

And there's no reason for my mind to be still

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

When I have finally found my room filled with toys

Be banging on my crib excited by noise

Oh, how I'll feel

Oh, how I'll feel

Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

And when there's nothing to gain

Or bring me pain

Or pin the blame

On you or myself

And when they finally fall

These wailing walls

And burning crosses

God's twilight and all

Oh how I'll feel

Oh how I'll feel

Oh how I'll feel like a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

A beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

Such a beautiful child

Such a beautiful child again

When I am older than these small god damned hills

The posts they don't write themselves

When I take breaks from really writing anything in here it generally corresponds with times when I take breaks from many other things. For the past week and a half (or perhaps longer I'm scared to really know) I've been very lazy about taking care of things around the house that need to be done. The kitchen has gotten filled to my version of overflowing, the pile of shoes by the front door is threatening to trip me without provocation, the dirty clothes are busting out of the confines of the bin, the den is one big pile, the bathroom, the living room, the hall closet ugh. All of the rooms of my tiny little house are threatening to overtake me with their mess and dishevelment. And I do feel overtaken. I feel overwhelmed and nearly beyond hope. Nearly.

Last night there was a flash or perhaps flicker of hope. I ran the dishwasher and cleared off much of the counter cluttering crap. The kitchen now is a faint ray of light shining out at me in its mostly visible horizontal surfaces. But will it continue? Please I hope so.

See in general I am a rather tidy person. Well that is to say when I am in my functioning state it is generally a clutter free organized one. Then there are times like this past week where that all stops. I start making do with things as they are. Items don't return to their proper places. Empty Kleenex boxes that should be crushed and recycled still sit in their original place only now with a newly opened box sitting next to it. Bills that would usually be paid immediately sit on the kitchen counter. The recycling bin in the kitchen threatens to topple.

What is it that brings on these episodes? I am not really certain. Perhaps it's just par for the course for a person struggling with depression, most likely. Perhaps it's the change in my hormone levels once a month, possibly. No matter what brings it on I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do not like it at all. Not one tiny bit. But not liking it and doing something about it are two very different things.

During these episodes (I don't like that word but can't think of anything else to call it) I lose the will to make any effort no matter how small. The tasks that often are easy for me when functioning seem well beyond my reach when non-functioning. I've been in therapy and on antidepressants for years. How long has it been now? Six? Or is it nearing Seven? Anyway I'm working on myself, really I am, but still these times return. And each time they do I feel helpless and hapless to kick them out. But then somewhere out of nowhere my drive and my self return. I'll wake up again and begin seeing the things that need to be done and actually start taking care of them.

During these periods it does feel almost as though I am asleep. Last night I nearly woke up, hence the kitchen, but it only lasted for a few hours before retreating again. Luckily I have my therapy appointment in an hour and am desperately hoping it will awaken me a bit more.

I have no pithy way to end this post so I shall just say see you again soon. I hope.

No mail for me. No work for me. What is for me?

My personal email is not cooperating. There's not much to do at current job. I've already read through all of the new items on by Reader. So what's a gal to do to fill up her time? I'm listening to a "This American Life" podcast on my iPod.

(By the way I know I need to soak up all of this week day free time right now because it will all end abruptly once I start new job.)

The title of the podcast is "Nice Work If You Can Get It". Perhaps new job will be nice work. That's my hope. That's what I want for me. Oh that and working email and unlimited unread items in my Reader.

Acceptance and Resignation

I've accepted the new job. Now I just have to wait until current boss arrives in order to give my notice.

Wahoo for Me!!!

To quell her fears

Because me not posting has started to worry Britten, here's the "update" on the job situation.

The VP never contacted me yesterday like I was promised he would. So this morning at my first opportunity I sent him an email that said something like "What up G?"

And then waited for his response which was this:
"I apologize for the delay. Yesterday was a full day. I would like to extend you an employment offer. Since I'm slower than molasses going up hill in January I've finally written down the job description and would like to meet with you to go over it." Or something close to that.

To which I replied:
"What kind of crack are you smoking to think that I'd actually spend more time meeting with you before seeing an offer in writing? So put pen to paper you lame piece o' poo and send the 'employment offer' and job description over to me in writing, then maybe I'll agree to meet with you again. Maybe." Or something similar.

To which he then replied:
"Can, do. I’m stuck in meetings for the next few hours but will get them to you by the end of the day." In exactly those words.

My response to that is a I'll believe it when I see it bucko. So there you have it. Apparently I have an "employment offer" but I haven't seen it. Since I haven't seen it or agreed to it I can't give notice at current work place which I REALLY wanted to be able to do today. Oh and I really don't feel like I can celebrate either. I was really hoping to celebrate this weekend by stimulating the economy a bit. Poo.

Oh the physical agony

I am in physical pain over here waiting for the damn offer from damn potential workplace. It is KILLING ME!!!!!

And so it goes. I sit here "working" and watching my email account like a hawk for each and every flicker that just might be an incoming email with my ticket out of this place.

Sit sit sit stress stress stress anxiety anxiety anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will it ever end or will I expire in the process? I guess if I never post again you'll know the answer to that one.

Here's hoping I post again!

Looking down

As I walked toward the nearest Thai restaurant for lunch today I found myself looking down at the sidewalk a few feet ahead of me. Generally I try to look straight ahead at the world around me not just at the few feet I am about to walk into. Every time I caught myself looking down I would pull my gaze up but gradually it would divert back to the previous downward position.

While at the Thai restaurant I sat reading a damp copy of the Seattle Weekly (last weeks edition) and easily tuned out the world. I ordered my favorite, Penang Curry with four stars, but was only able to eat half of it.

I walked back to work and again my gaze was leveled squarely toward the sidewalk. Even now as I type this all I want to do is keep my head down and avoid the screen in front of me.

The mug of cocoa isn't hitting the spot I'd hoped it would. All I can seem to think about is the new job. They emailed yesterday wanting yet another interview with the last two people in the management group. I told them I was busy tonight and tomorrow night so the earliest I would be able to do that was Thursday. They aren't sure they want to wait that long and will let me know later today. Later today is not yet. Later today is eating away at my brain and energy and neck muscles.

Or maybe I'm just premenstrual.

I want an email

What I want most in the world right now is an email. Not just any email will do. I want a very specific email. An email from any one of the three reader of this blog would make me very happy don't get me wrong but that's not the email I want. The email I want is from the VP of the place I want to work with a job offer attached.

Last Wednesday I met with the Office Manager and Support Manager for a half an hour. Then I met with the VP and President for about two hours. After which they said they would be in touch shortly which meant an email late Thursday night (which I read on Friday morning) where I was asked if I could spend more time with the President and VP on Friday directly after work. Of course I responded yes. After packing in things here at current workplace I hightailed it downtown to meet with the guys at my hopefully future workplace. After another two hours of going over some more questions from VP's "List of interview questions" (which he forgot to bring to the first 2 hour meeting and during which President actually said "Oh I wasn't paying attention to your boring questions") we finally got down to the real business at hand the reasons why they need me, what's "wrong" with the department and some issues with current staff. After all of that I point blank asked them when they were going to extend me an offer or if they had some sort of reservations about me that we could clear up.

The VP is the son of the President and seems to play his cards much closer to the vest than the President. The VP said he needs to "pave the way for" and "clear up a few items" but that I will see an offer by the end of the day today or at the latest tomorrow. I think I'm starting to understand them both and their dynamic much better than I did during our first meeting which makes me thankful for this second meeting.

So here I sit hitting the check mail button every ten seconds in the hopes that VP will make up his mind sooner rather than later. Oh and also because today is a Monday and I was reminded once again when boss finally arrived why I want to leave here so badly. This offer cannot come quickly enough for this gal.

Is the past still as good as you remember?

Growing up there were two places near my house that were worth riding your bike to. One was a bowling alley and the other was a Tom Thumb convenience store. Tom Thumb won out most times as the place to go. Don't get me wrong I'm a big fan of bowling but what made Tom Thumb so special and so worthy was the candy aisle.

No, it wasn't some supernaturally sized candy aisle nor did it hold more mystery or excitement than the bowling alley on a typical suburban summer afternoon. I grew into a fairly decent bowler and still have the skills today, but for some reason it was those rides up County Road 19 to spend my allowance on candy that really stick with me.

Just a few doors down from Tom Thumb there was another place to shop for candy but it was a gas station and they also sold live bait. I could not go there. No, thank you very much.

So Tom Thumb it was. That candy aisle helped to shape my tastes for sweets and to this day I'll buy an item just because they used to have it there. That's what happened today while shopping for my lunch at Safeway. I picked up my oh so healthy salad and then stopped by the candy aisle to see what I else I might need. There it was that hot pink box that had changed a bit through the years but what I had to know was had the candy it contained stayed the same?

It has been years since I've eaten a Good & Fruity. I can't even remember the last time I saw them for sale anywhere. So I've been sitting here like a good girl eating all of my salad with that bright pink box staring at me. Begging for me to open it and try all of the flavors.

Salad done. Box being opened. First an orange one. Then a red one. Green and then yellow. Finally blue. They're different. Don't get me wrong they're not bad but they just aren't the same.

The Tom Thumb isn't the same now either. It's been a variety of different places over the past 15 to 20 years. Most recently I think it was/is a flooring store.

Convenience stores come and go. Candy recipes get altered. But I can still bowl a mean game. At least some things stay the same.

Back from CA with nothing more to give

I got back from a week long trip to California on Saturday afternoon. Since I gave that trip everything I had, I have nothing more for you. So go on, go away. So sorry.

Wait you're still here? OK then I'll give you a synopsis of the events of the week. I'd say highlights but that makes it sound all glamorous and glorious.

- Saturday, arrived in Sacramento on the afternoon of May 24th with mom and was greeted by dad and eldest sister. Proceeded to wait a ridiculous amount of time for our luggage. (Apparently two planes arriving at the same time was WAY too much for the ground crew.) Made our way to the rental car area to meet aunt, uncle and cousin. Uncle had locked their luggage into the trunk of the car he was told he was given keys to but wasn't and then we had to wait an hour while rental car people searched for keys to that car only to have a tow truck finally arrive to break into that car so we could then move the luggage to our actual car. While waiting we witnessed a 4 car pileup in the rental car lot. A driver couldn't find that break pedal but instead floored his rental into three others. Very dramatic. Finally loaded ourselves (me, mom, uncle, aunt, cousin) into rented Ford Taurus. I was back seat in the middle with the hump gal for the grueling two hour drive up to Magalia. Uncomfortable is best description for that seat. Dad and eldest sister are spending the night in Sacramento and driving up the next day (there was a hotel shortage in the area near grandpa's house for that night).

- Saturday evening prepared the house as well as we could for after Memorial gathering the next day.

- Sunday, the Memorial for which there was no actual plan of events and at the last minute my mom asked me to read the article she'd written about Grandpa as a sort of eulogy. Glad I had no time to fret about it and was able to get through it fairly well. Then the Memorial gathering which was nice.

- Monday, the day of the Big Record Boxing TM. Grandpa had a MASSIVE record collection of mostly big band era music. 15 of us spent most of the day boxing records/tapes/reel-to-reels from every nook and cranny of the house. The music was every where; attic, loft, garage, bed room, bathroom, every where! In total we were able to load 150+ boxes into the truck before we'd reached its load limit. There are about 15 perhaps 20 more still waiting in the garage for a later pick up. The records were donated to a historical survey that will sort through and catalog the collection keeping it all in Grandpa's name. We are thrilled that it gets to stay together and be a part of history.

- Tuesday morning we drove up to Bottle Hill to scatter some of Grandpa's ashes where some of Grandma's had been spread a few years ago. It's about a half hour up into the hills past Grandpa's house and way past where the road turns to red dirt. I got to carry Grandpa up the hill which was rather moving for me. I could almost picture him trodding along with me as I ascended. It felt nice to be that near him. Hope that doesn't sound too strange but I can't describe it properly. And because we are now going to be voted the most irreverent family on the planet we used a 1/4 cup measuring scoop to scatter the ashes. We couldn't figure out what else to use. After that most of the family was scheduled to head back to their respective homes leaving just 5 of us for the rest of the week (me, mom, eldest sister, aunt and uncle).

- Wednesday, Thursday and Friday was spent cleaning and sorting through all of the remaining contents of the house. My mom and aunt also had a lot of errands to run to various banks and legal type places. By Thursday my allergies had started to turn into a energy draining cold and I spent much of the last two days hovering between awake and asleep and the Kleenex box.

- Saturday the journey home was smooth and uneventful. After getting picked up at the airport by Molly (Thank you Molly!!!) I immediately dropped my bags inside my house and went to pick up Tally from Amy's. I cannot tell you how great it was to see her again. I am fairly certain that she missed me nearly as much as I missed her. That evening she couldn't get enough attention from me and became my shadow.

And now back to real life. Still tired and suffering the lingering effects of the cold but blissfully happy to be back with my adorable little dog. And just so you can experience her adorableness for yourself and as a reward for slogging through the above here's the best picture anyone has yet to take of her. Photo credit to Amy the best dog sitter on the planet.

Another hoop to jump

Didn't get an offer like I had hoped but instead he asked me to meet with more people from the company. That sounds like a very good idea because at this point I've only met two. Meeting more people cannot hurt. Since I'm destined to charm their pants off too it can only help. ;)

So after I get back from CA next week I'll be meeting with a few more of the management staff and then hopefully I'll get an offer.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm trying to keep my fingers crossed too and not just get frustrated by having to jump through the next hoop. I don't like hoop jumping. I like getting things done quickly and cleanly. But I shall embrace the hoop jumping and keep on keeping on. I'm nearly certain that this job will be worth it.

Willing the phone to RING!

I am sitting at current workplace today willing my cell phone to ring. Please little phone? Please!

The interview last night went so well. I felt great about my answers and by their responses they seemed impressed by what I had to say. Afterwards he walked me out and said that I would have a response today. Today. Yeah for today!

So please little cell phone ring and be him calling to give me the job. Please!

Nerves: The real alternative fuel source

I am what can only be described as a bundle of nerves today. A bundle seems too small of an amount though. I'm the very largest volume measurement of nerves you can think of. A megaliter sounds about right. Every single nerve ending in my body is firing at an extremely high rate and I'm certain that I'll probably expire from overload in the next few seconds.

Why doesn't someone work out a way to channel that nervous energy into actual energy? I'm quite certain I could provide enough energy for half of the city today. It's bad. Stomach knots. Head swimming. Hands shaking. Extremities tingling. Heart racing. Muscles aching. All of that being put to no good use. It's a damn shame.

The interview after work tonight is the cause of all this excess fuel. Haven't had a real interview in a LONG LONG time. So many years in fact I cannot even recall how many. Please wish me luck and hope for the best for me. Can't put together coherent thought. Must stop writing now. Will advise later as to outcome. Ugh.

The time is now 11 AM. Do you know where your co-workers are?

I arrive at work every morning at 7:30. Most of the time I am exactly on time. Precisely. The rest of my co-workers don't have anything like a set schedule. In fact I never know if any of them are going to come in at all on any given day.

Today I know for sure that boss and co-owner will not be here because they are out of town. There is only one other person who might come in today but he hasn't arrived yet and I'm not certain if he will.

I must say it is very odd to be the only person "working" at your place of work. Not only odd but also more than a little bit lonely.

I hope you are having a very nice, socially fulfilling day at your chosen place of employment.

No Ice Cream, but there were sweatshirts and vacuum packed meat

A few weeks ago I was out and about with Amy when we stopped in Ballard so she could get something framed. I was in the mood for dessert and thought maybe we'd stop in to Ben & Jerry's only to find it closed down. Then earlier this week Amy and I were at U Village and we walked by the Ben & Jerry's only to find it had closed down as well. During lunch today I took a stroll along the top of Queen Anne and walked by Scoops to discover it had closed up shop also.

What is happening to the Ice Cream stores of Seattle? Are they going the way of the Krispy Kreme? Does no one love them anymore? Have I spotted the start of an alarming trend in America today? We can no longer get frozen cream with candy goodness mixed in?

Speaking of alarming trends these next two might just have you packing it in for life because obviously the end of the world is upon us.

At two separate locations next to the sidewalk I saw two sweatshirts lying discarded and forgotten. Yes I agree, today is inordinately gorgeous here in Seattle but the weather can turn on a dime people. You should not just dispose of your warmth providing garments with so little regard for their feelings. At least toss them in the back of your closet at home, not on the street where they must learn to fend for themselves. It is a travesty.

And then there's the vacuum packed meat. It might have been pork but I cannot say for certain because I didn't stop to inspect it. You could ask the flies that had taken up residence on one of the four pieces that had busted through it's vacuum tight wrapping.

What is this world coming to when you can't buy an ice cream cone and sweatshirts and meat must fend for themselves? Armageddon, I say. Armageddon.

Helping friends

My friend Amy has a friend Carie who is dealing with a particularly tough of cancer. This is Carie's second time working hard to fight a cancer diagnosis and she's not yet 33. Carie will be walking in the American Cancer Society's Walk & Roll event in Chicago.

She hasn't yet met her fundraising goal and would really appreciate any help you can give.

To donate to Carie simply go to this site. Or perhaps you could put a link on your site so Carie's story gets out there.

Thank you!

Reason number 10 skillion

There are many reasons why my job makes me unhappy and this morning was a swift back hand upside the head reminder of that rolled into a tidy little package.

My job responsibilities include making the customers happy. A task that is more often than not completely outside of realm of possibility for me to make happen. So it goes when in the Customer Service field. I get that. I sleep some what well at night knowing that. But here's when it rubs me raw, when the person who can make me happy, contented and joyful in my job doesn't give a crap.

That is what happened this morning. I came in to mass quantities of emails, system support requests, and voicemail messages all saying the very same thing; "What happened to my assignments? Why can't I see my assignments? Where are the assignments for my Users?" And while Yes these are good questions all seventy skillion of them, I cannot answer any one of them. I must sit and wait patiently until someone who can actually help me finally decides to arrive at work.

My start time is 7:30 AM because being the sole support person for all of our customers I MUST be here to help them and they are all over the country, all over the world in fact. So I arrive diligently at 7:30 this morning to the aforementioned throttling by all forms of communication available to our customers as to why the h-e-double hockey sticks the site has so meanly eaten their precious test assignments. I then proceed to try to wait it out patiently until someone arrives to help me. The clock keeps on ticking, I keep on getting yelled at, my patience keeps on getting thinner.

Then it happened. 9:30 arrived and my savior sauntered in. I immediately told him about the issue that was causing great distress for all of our Users (the Users who just so happen to pay our salaries and keep us fed) and he said "Oh OK." He then walked off to chat with his best buddy for who knows how long as is his usual morning ritual. I managed to stew in my ever rising juices for a half an hour before I went into said best buddy's office and tell my savior "I don't mean to be a pain but this issue is getting too big to manage and I'd really appreciate your help on this." To which my saviour responded "Oh OK." Once my savior finally started looking in to the issue he realized the enormous scope of the problem and proceeded to snap at me and otherwise make me feel like a little piece of dog crap who had most certainly put myself underneath his shoe intentionally and must have made this vile stench occur.

Here's the thing; I can't and don't touch the programming code. That is entirely his job. That's what said saviour does "full time". So when the code is broken there is absolutely no chance in all of the ever loving universe that I broke it. It's completely, utterly, totally impossible for me to have that power. And yet there is one person alone who would have the "skill" to break the program and send all of our lovely, happy, joyous Users scrambling toward me, and that is my savior.

So what is one to do when she has no power to fulfill her job responsibilities and the person who can make her job better, more complete and fulfilling has no interest in doing that and also happens to be her boss? I think we all know the answer to that and it's called Craigslist job postings.

10 pounds of Sourdough and Olive Oil

Yesterday I stopped at the grocery store to pick up lunch. A few weeks back I had found a new prepackaged salad there that I fell in love with. It's spring greens, croutons, feta, dried cranberries and a white balsamic vinaigrette. Nummy in my tummy.

I wanted more to eat than just the salad so I went searching for a roll/bread/carb filled item. I noticed that an entire loaf of sourdough was only slightly more expensive than one little roll so I grabbed the loaf. (Isn't loaf a kind of icky word? Sort of like moist. Blech.)

Brought my salad and bread back to the office to enjoy. I poured some olive oil into a little dish, added some fresh ground pepper and sat down at my desk. It was a fantastic lunch. I brought the loaf (ick), I mean bread, home with me and then proceeded to eat nothing but olive oil and bread for the remainder of the evening. This time I doctored up the olive oil with some garlic, onion and pepper and it was divine.

So if you hear this weird sloshing sound today that's just my arteries running thick with oil, pay no attention and keep on keeping on. Nothing to see here just a girl who's now made of 90% olive oil, happens all the time like again tonight when I get home.

Falling on my face

More accurately my hands and the left side of my thigh/bum.

Today is bring Tally to work day which means I take her out for a walk during lunch. We were walking along a nice sidewalk near work when the sidewalk jumped up and attacked me. Or perhaps I didn't see the large lip caused by a tree root pushing up a section of the side walk but either way I went down. And it hurt.

No one was around. Just me and Tally. I am certain that if anyone were around it would have been one of those falls that make witnesses nearly pee themselves laughing.

You see I didn't go right down. No sir. I stumbled forward for several steps very nearly catching myself several times and then I hit the concrete. So to the outside observer it may very well have looked similar to that time in college when Steph fell all the way down the longest flight of steps at the house nearly catching her fall the entire way down with the sound effects to go with it. That was HILARIOUS! Just the thought of it makes me nearly giggle and it's been more than 12 years since that day.

Steph was OK and really I'm OK too except for a few small blood blisters on my palms and a bit of a sore muscle or two, but wouldn't it have been better if someone had been there to laugh at and with me? I think so and since I'm certainly not going to blab it all to my all male trio of co-workers I thought I'd put it here for you to chuckle about.

Because it's funny when someone falls but not if there's no one there to see it.

The thing about yesterday

See the thing about yesterday was this, it sucked. I hated all of it.

The day started with a phone call from my Dr's office canceling the appointment I had just made the day before because well the Dr was going on vacation. Yes, I was told that when I made the appointment. She is going on vacation and my appointment was to be before she left. The lovely lady on the phone then says "We can get you in on May 27th or you can see another Dr." My answer to those enormously appealing options was "No, I have to get in before that and no, I will not see another Dr." To which miraculously I now have an appointment on Monday.

Then my lovely landscaper calls to "yell" at me because the second round of pavers aren't there for him to put in. The pavers that I had to place an order for because he told me the wrong amount to buy in the first place. The pavers that I actually ordered more than a week ago, was charged for and was told would be delivered on Friday. The pavers that I had to call Home Depot AGAIN on Monday to see where they were and was told that the vendor would definitely call me on Tuesday to let me know when they would arrive. The pavers that I then had to call Home Depot on Tuesday because no one called me at all! Yes you see it is all my fault that the pavers aren't there like I was promised several different times they would be. And it is all my fault that I didn't get the correct amount of pavers the first time because I specifically asked "How many square feet am I supposed to order?" and was told that amount and that amount arrived and oh wait that's not enough you have to get more.

Then came the email from landscapers wife demanding a 50% deposit for the patio because it was supposed to be done so long ago and really you were supposed to pay 50% up front but because this was to be such an easy project we were really nice and didn't make you pay, well yes that 50% you need to write a check for it now and you need to arrange to get it to my husband now.

Then there is the little issue of place of employment where I never get any response from boss even after multiple emails asking for a response to an issue that I cannot solve but that the customer must have an answer to and repeatedly come to me to get.

By this point I had begun to feel like the least capable person on the entire planet. Or perhaps the entire galaxy, no wait the entire Universe. The defeat had hit me squarely across the head and I wanted to disappear into a tiny little hole and rock back and forth in the fetal position.

When I got home I immediately laid down on the living room rug and started petting Tally. It was all too much. I needed something good. Something that might possibly make me feel less like an incapable nincompoop and help me to escape from everything. So I ordered up an "On Demand" movie.

It was the first time I'd ever ordered a movie from home and I spent a very LONG time deciding which one to spend my precious dollars on. In the end the only one that seemed like it might help was "P.S. I Love You." As a general rule I am not a Hilary Swank fan. She's too horsey faced and she was the "Next Karate Kid". (Yeah yeah yeah two Oscars I know, whatever.) But I needed to escape into someone else's dream world for the next few hours and hers seemed like the best option available.

I must tell you the movie was nearly perfect. It made me laugh and cry and want and smile. I nearly forgot Hilary was horsey faced several times. It was well worth the $4.99 plus who knows what ungodly amount of taxes. It helped lift me up off of the rug, out of the tiny little hole and stretched out of the fetal position. I may have still rocked back and forth but you weren't there and you can't prove it.

I am hoping with every ounce of my body that today will not be a repeat of yesterday because there's nothing left "On Demand" that I want to watch.

Chair, how do I love thee?

I am in deep, adoring, abiding love with this chair.

Yes, I realize it might just look like any old chair to you but to me it is perfection in a little teak and aluminum package. I can't explain it properly or fully but I want it. Well, to be exact I want two of it. I know where I can buy them but good god almighty they are nearly $200 each and that's the sale price. What is a gal on a budget to do? I mean I've still got a patio, fence, landscaping and insulation to pay for. I've been scouring the old interwebs for what seems like ever now looking for chairs and a small table to add to my living room.

So what's your vote? Should I just say to hell with it if you love something you should buy it? Or shall I keep on looking? I'll leave it to you and if you don't respond then fine I'll just pout. I probably won't pout but I'll have to make up my own mind and that's not nearly as fun.

Oh and another thing what kind of little (approx 27" diameter) table should I buy? I haven't found the love of my life in table form and would most definitely be open to suggestions.

Listing

Every now and again I feel the need to put my life down in list form. Today is one of those times. I feel as though I have to write down all of the things I want to do, accomplish, gain, strive for and be, must written down or else I will lose it all. Having the information rolling around in my head seems too much to handle. It needs to escape onto white paper using blue pen. It's blue pen because that's what is in front of me. Although I'm not sure it would be as satisfying using a black pen. Yes, that is just how loony I am.

So today sprinkled in amongst my work "duties" I will be creating lists about everything I can think of. Perhaps it will help or perhaps it will increase the anxious, overwhelmed, stymied feelings I am having today. I'm obviously hoping for the former and not the later. Wish me luck.

The Reasons for My Smile

Reason #1 - I am leaving work at Noon today!
Reason #2 - I get to spend the afternoon with Heather!
Reason #3 - I ordered a very cute sweater from Lands End, it was only $20 and I'm wearing it today. It's bright pink. :)
Reason #4 - I'm leaving work at Noon today! (Yes, that deserves two places on the list.)
Reason #5 - The weather is starting to turn a corner. Of course it is May so that's to be expected but still it's very awesome.
Reason #6 - Things are coming together with the patio. Slowly but surely.
Reason #7 - Tally really likes me. Really she does. It's so very cool.

What other reasons should I have?

No Bones About It

Where do you suppose that phrase originated? I'm sure a small amount of Internet searching would give me an answer. But that's not really what I have to say today.

It's bones that have caught my eye lately. They seem to be everywhere. At least everywhere around my neighborhood. Nearly every time I walk Tally she comes across a bone or sometimes two. Why are their bones littering the streets of Seattle's neighborhoods?

Perhaps it's just my neighborhood but that still leaves me wondering why? Are people deciding to dispose of the remnants of last night's meal on the street? What would possess someone to do that? Is it like feeding the birds except in this case you are deciding to feed the wild animals and my dog?

What wild animals are you thinking you are feeding anyway? The only "wildlife" I have seen in my neighborhood are two frighteningly large raccoons. Of course there's always the occasional roadkill opossum.

If anyone knows why my neighborhood is crawling in discarded bones I'd really like to know. I'm starting to feel as though I live on a burial ground and at any point bodies are going to come bobbing up out of the creek in the park a la Poltergeist. Just gave myself the willies at the thought of it.

...98, 99, 100. Ready or not, here I am.

I know why I started writing here 99 posts ago, but the motivation to keep writing here has most definitely changed since then.

At first all I wanted was a place to keep track of the things I found out there on the interwebs. Jotting them down on pieces of scrap paper just wasn't cutting it. I'd also become very attached to some other blogs that I wanted to carve out a little bit of the blogosphere for myself.

Over time the focus has changed to match my current real life focus. Be it a dog, or my job (big no no, I know), or my up and (mostly) down moods. I've kept some things back and put things here that perhaps I shouldn't have. But all of the posts felt right at the time. I think that's what really matters to me. It seems OK to write here. It will never make me famous but that's certainly not my goal. I want it to help me. To make me feel more connected to that big old gigantic web of a world and it most definitely has.

I feel like I now "know" a few more people and over time I'm sure that will only increase. It's been fun reading their hilarious posts and heart wrenching to read their sad ones. I'm a part of something much bigger than myself now and that is all I can possibly ask for. That's my motivation. That's what keeps me writing.

So 100 posts down and hopefully many more to come. Thanks to those who read what I've had to say so far. I hope that you'll keep right on reading because it makes you a part of something bigger than yourself too.

Dater, Dater, Dater

In the interest of trying to change my status from single to dating, I spent time updating my online profile yesterday. I've been on the same dating site for a long time and this is even my third separate attempt at using that same site. Yes, it's probably the one you think it is but I'm not going to say specifically, so there. I haven't been proactive about using the subscription to the site and I thought that should change. I mean I've spent the money I should at least try to get something out of it. Right?

I also took some time yesterday to peruse a few profiles on the site. I marked two as favorites and then just a bit ago I sent an email to one of them. I might email the other one as well but I'm on the fence about it right now.

Dating via the interwebs is not really ideal for me. I enjoy meeting people face to face much more than I do over email. I've gone speed dating two times recently and had a several of so so dates from those events. The process of speed dating is so much more rewarding than internet dating. You sit and talk to someone for a few minutes and then poof they are gone, off to their next victim, er I mean date. There's very little pressure to that format but all of the benefit.

If my new profile doesn't reel them in, perhaps I'll try speed dating again. It's tough out there. Not for the faint of heart, so wish me luck.

My name is not TechnoSavvy

My new cell phone has proved to me today that I am not as techno-savvy as I'd thought.

Shauna at Pickles & Dimes left a comment on yesterday's post about wanting to see more pictures of Tally. I was only happy to oblige because what self-respecting doggy mama wouldn't want to spread images of her adorable pooch all over the interwebs. Armed with my wonderful new LG Shine Camera Phone I took little miss Tally to the Dog Park.

My hope was that taking pictures of her with my phone would seem a bit less odd/obvious than if I had brought my digital camera.

This was our first trip to the Off Leash Area at Warren G. Magnuson Park. It's an enormous OLA and there were a LOT of dogs. Tally did really well but still has not completely warmed to the idea of playing with other dogs. Sniffing them, good to go. Anything else, big old huh? Nearly every owner who walked by us said how adorable they thought she was which needless to say puffed me up a great deal. There was one owner who actually started to cry when I answered her question about Tally's ears. That made me uncomfortable.

Anyway, I surreptitiously snapped a few photos with the camera phone knowing that today I'd bring in the data cable, take them off the phone and post them here. Data cable, check. Take them off the phone, huh? Post them here, apparently not going to happen.

The pictures are stuck. Stuck in phone limbo until I can somehow become smarter than the phone. The Owners Manual was no help and neither was pushing every button possible on the phone.

So my adorable new phone has locked up the photos of my adorable new dog and hasn't sent me a ransom note. Until I know how to make the swap we are at an impasse.

She's just so sensitive

It seems my poor little Tally has allergies. She's been scratching at her belly lately and has red patches all over her little self. Then yesterday she developed this flaky skin thing all along her back. We saw the Vet yesterday evening and took home some recommendations.

• Keep up with the Duck and Potato food
• Bathe her once a week (alternating between the medicated shampoo and the oatmeal shampoo)
• Wipe her feet after walks to prevent contact dermatitis
• Keep up with the fish oil
• Love her lots (Yes I added this one myself.)

Last night she got a nice long shower and some Benedryl. Then more Benedryl this morning in her Duck and Potato breakfast. Today I need to restock on her food and buy some sort of wipes to use on her feet.

She's a challenge, this little one, but I shall rise to the occasion. She's so worth it.

More blame to place?

Yesterday I blamed my intestinal rumblings on the licorice and today I am going to blame the licorice for the eruption on my chin.

As I was heading to bed last night I noticed that my chin was hurting a bit and was getting slightly red. This morning when I woke up my chin looked more like Rudolph's nose than a chin. And now as I sit here I have realized that it is not just one eruption but two.

Two large painful, enormous cystic acne blow ups. Oh the horror.

When I turned 30 I started to have regular issues with cystic acne. Then several months ago I read on one of my favorite blogs (I believe it was Sundry but I'm not certain so I'm not going to try to cite it, sorry) that she had stopped using moisturizer on her face and seen a dramatic improvement. So I stopped using moisturizer as well and switched to a daily sunscreen only. I was shocked at how quickly my acne subsided. Every now and again I would get small flair-ups usually around that special time of the month. But nothing like this.

The current condition of my chin is a painful reminder of just how often I used to struggle with those red mountainous lumps. So I am going to place the blame a bit on the licorice and a bit on the monthly hormonal swing. Because certainly that previous acne struggle is not back. This is a small set back but not a return to those conditions. Really it's NOT! No matter what my chin might be screaming at you.

Can you hear my intestines from where you're sitting?

If you do not want to read about my intestines then I suggest you go away now. You have been warned.

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The amount of noise emanating from my intestinal track today is downright embarrassing. Things are boiling, roiling and otherwise cavorting down there something fierce. While I'm not entirely sure of the cause I am leaning toward placing the blame on the licorice gorging of yesterday. That certainly isn't going to stop me from reaching in the drawer where they are hiding in plain sight and having more as soon as I finish eating lunch.

My intestinal functions and I have been trying to work out some sort of working arrangement over the past few months. I try to hold up my end of the deal by shoving fiber loaded food into my eating hole at every possible moment. The intestines still don't seem to be happy about it.

Like today they are squealing like a little baby pig. It's really not cool. My only saving grace is that the one person who might be able to hear it has had his head phones on listening to very loud music so far today.

I know I'm making light of it but it is quite a nuisance. It's not very much fun to be overrun by gas and its tumblings and rumblings. I suppose I'll just have to learn to live with it or perhaps by stock in Beano.

Enjoyment; current and recently past

Right at this very moment I am chomping on RJ's Natural Licorice in Raspberry and enjoying every single second. Nummy!! I grabbed lunch from the Pasta & Co up the street and just had to grab a bag of the licorice as well. I'm afraid to look at the serving size information because I've already had at least a half a dozen pieces and I do not believe I'll stop any time soon.

On Friday night friend Amy invited me to go bowling with her and most of her co-workers. Even though I was very nervous about going and the self-doubt voices were telling me to stay home, I went anyway. I had a great time.

On Saturday morning I went to Amy's where she cooked me a nummy starch on starch breakfast (my personal favorite) and then we went to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama (aka HHDL). Amy told me about a gathering of mutual friends that night that I wasn't technically invited to but that she said I should go to anyway. After I left her on Saturday early evening to go walk Tally the voices started again, this time they were really loud. They kept saying "You can't go. You weren't invited. They don't really want you there...."

I'm so sad to admit how close I was to actually listening to them and staying in. It would have been so easy and so comfortable to listen to them. But I didn't. I went over there and of course had a great time.

It happened again on Sunday. I really needed to go to the grocery store. The voices were telling me not to. Again I told them to shove it and did a bit of grocery shopping. I guess after not winning on Friday night or Saturday night the voices started to get desperate and tried to keep me down in any way they possibly could. But it didn't happen. I didn't let it happen.

So a big old nanner nanner to you, the voices in my head. You didn't win. I did. I met new people. I went places I hadn't been before. I laughed and ate and bowled a mean game or two. I'm going to add to my "value proposition" that I don't let the voices win. Serious resume booster, huh?

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Licorice update: I had to put the bag in a drawer to stop myself. But I really want more. What do you think is it OK to listen to that voice?

I love the Mountain

This morning my favorite radio station is broadcasting their morning show from a Tully's just down the hill from where I work. I planned on leaving the house early so I could stop by. As I was driving toward work my head kept telling me that I shouldn't go. That I should just go to the Starbucks I normally hit.

Why was my head telling me I shouldn't go? What was the problem? Well because it was out of my comfort zone of course. That silly little zone I've placed myself in that keeps me "safe and sound". Or at least that's how it feels, safe. But it's not safe it's just easy.

So I told that voice to shut the hell up and I went to that Tully's. It was crazy alive in there. I kept glancing over at Marty (the morning show host). I wanted so badly to go over and tell him how much I enjoy his show. But I didn't. I stood there and waited for my Chai.

As I walked out the side door there he was, Marty! He had gone out the front door and was headed to his car for something. He looked at me and said "Hi". I asked him how he handles being in there in all of that craziness. He said it was by leaving and hiding in his car. He asked if I worked near by and made sure I had gotten one of their 20 Funny CD's. I said yes to both and then gushed a bit and told him how much I loved listening to them. He was so sweet he grabbed my elbow and said a very sincere thank you.

So there you have it. I made those voices shut the hell up and got to say Hi to Marty. What a great way to start my morning. I feel so much more alive and awake and a part of the world. Well done me!

The World small Web

The other day I was stumbling around on Sundry's blog checking out some of the links she has listed. I've done this before and found many a great blog this way.

This time I clicked on one called fishsuit. I instantly was drawn in to the lovely images and quotes by Sofia. She sounds absolutely adorable I might add. I kept reading and kept getting these little glimpses of the blog author. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I didn't think much more of it.

Today I went back to fishsuit to read a bit more from his archive and found where he links to a few other sites as well. One was called Mico Verde which just so happens to be the blog of my friend and her husband.

My intuition about fishsuit was correct I do know him. We met years and years ago through Mico Verde. It just proved to me once again that the world is not wide and neither is the web.

It's overwhelming

I am feeling overwhelmed. I hardly slept last night because I kept thinking of all of the things I want/need to get done this week.

Oh and my house REEKED of Arm & Hammer Pet Fresh which is quite obviously the olfactory equivalent of the devil. Holy hell that stuff is so potent I honestly think that the stench of it kept waking me up. Can a smell do that? Can it invade your senses so much that it pulls you from your sleep causing you to yearn to smell anything else in the world other than that sickly sweet floral stench? I need to remember to tell Molly not to come over for a while, she'd most certainly barf at that smell.

But I digress, back to overwhelming feelings and not scents. On Sunday I finally bought a new cell phone. I didn't want to because I quite honestly loved my little Nokia brick style phone. I'd had it for years. I've lost count of how many. I knew how it worked and where to find all of the options and features. But alas poor little Nokia was starting to lose it. The battery would suddenly go from nearly fully charged to the dreaded "Battery Low" in mere moments. Then on Saturday some of the keys seemed to only work if I smacked the phone around for a bit. As fun as both of those new 'features' seem, since it is in fact my only phone I thought it was best to finally go in for an upgrade. I really wish I wouldn't have.

I decided on another Nokia because it seemed like the easy and safe solution. But this one is a flip phone and I don't like flip phones AT ALL. I also don't like the User Interface AT ALL. I thought because it was a Nokia that I would know where all of the features and options were without having to work at it, but NO. They changed the UI completely. It's horrid. I hate it. Hate Hate Hate Hate. Oh and would someone explain to me how a bluetooth headset is supposed to make my life easier? Now I have another thing to charge all of the time. How is that easier?

Yes I realize that I sound like a Luddite. I'm not. Well most of the time anyway. Apparently when it comes to cell phones I just want a phone. But from what I gather that is too much to ask. Ick. Now I need to crawl back to the cell phone store and get something else. Something that doesn't make me want to smash it into a million and ten pieces just at the sight of it. So that's overwhelming me.

Then there's training Tally. I had the first training session last night which was owners only, no dogs. I felt in over my head. The list of things they want us to try to teach them before the next class is LONG. I should be looking forward to training her but I'm stressed about being able to find the appropriate amount of time.

I also need to figure out a better way to give Tally a bath in my tub. The $40+ I spent at Home Depot last night trying to pull together a hand held shower option just doesn't seem like it's going to work. Of course I haven't tried it but I'm overwhelmed at the thought of it.

Then there's the whole needing to find a new job thing. I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. The guy is coming today to start work on the patio.

OK yes I'm stressed and feeling overwhelmed but I know that it will pass. These things that seem like a huge deal right at this moment will all get dealt with at some point. I will make it through. Right? Really I will, right?